tw // shouting, father issues, some emotional abuse

hi, i dont really tweet but i need to put my feelings somewhere, right?
so heres a thread of my feelings towards my "father":

im a pretty privileged kid- i grew up with my wants granted, and my basic needs given. as a child, my dad was my rock and my protector.
then a few years later, he disappeared from my life. barely physically there due to work and never giving us the time of day in favor of beer

tw // shouting
then hs came and i got friends who showed me unconditional love and didnt leave me.
this is also the time that i started to notice how he acted. i notice how he raises his voice when he doesnt get what he want. i notice how he raises his voice to feel powerful.

tw // husband abuse
i also noticed how he doesnt give a flying f*ck about mom. hed scream and shed silently cry the next day when she thought were too busy with our phones. we werent.
i noticed that while he never physically abused her, he emotionally broke her.

tw // flinching
so i resented him. i started seeing the dad i knew when i was 5 and the "father" i know now to be different people.
then before i knew it, i started being uncomfortable around him. flinching at his every move, and avoiding being near him.

one day mom asked us why we hated him. so i told her that he doesnt even seem to love you. my mom, being the submissive forgiver that she is, told us that hes just stressed about us being broke.
i just nodded cause i knew she wouldnt see my point and kept silent

then i started thinking. did he really f*ck my life? he gave me food, clothes, & shelter so i shouldnt be selfish, right? he has his side ig...
it took me years to realize that just because he gave me my basic needs, that isnt enough. i have emotional needs he didnt give.

tw // emotional abuse
then today happened.
not only did he demand everything as if he owns the place, but he also continuously raised his voice, acted like a "boss" to his family, and more importantly, shouted at my mom who replied to him in the smallest voice she could muster.

tw // flinching
i kept flinching throughout the day and kept feeling a dead in my chest. that doesnt matter to me as much as hearing him shout at my mom for doing nothing wrong.

that was the one that broke my heart in half and made me type this.

im a minor genz who didnt have the will to live. now i do. now i have a goal: the goal to be independent fast enough to leave him. to get him as far away from my family.
i dont care if he breaks me or i break in the process, but i *will* get my mom to safety. i *will* find a way

so... yeah.
in short i hate the person my father has become, and am now dedicating my life to protect my mom from him

this thread is serving nothing else but a forever reminder that i cant die or give up until my family is safe from the likes of him