Government to head teachers:
"Get all your staff to teach online straightaway and close your school."
HTs: "OK. Any help for those kids without computers and/or WiFi?"
Gov: "Yes in about two months we will give you nowhere near the amount you need and they'll be locked."
...

Gov: "Also make your school into a childcare hub and run it 7-6 everyday making sense of the contradictory and labrynthine guidance we issued."
HT: "OK - what about FSM."
Gov: "You sort that."
HT: "OK."
Gov: "Now reopen schools using this guidance which we'll change every day."

HTs: "O..."
Gov: "Socially distance."
HTs: "O...k..."
Gov: "No rotas."
HTs: "Righ..."
Gov: "Of course we don't expect you to socially distance."
HTs: "But..."
Gov: "Get back to work. We'll sort the GCSE and A Levels."
HTs: "I'm not sure that will work.."
Gov: "We messed up."

Gov: "Nevermind, just open schools up fully now and make it as safe as possible so the parents actually send in their kids."
HTs: "OK - is there funding to help me do that?"
Gov: "No. Also pay your staff more with the extra money you don't have."
HTs: "How..?"
...

Gov: "It's a national priority to open schools."
HTs: "We already agreed to open!"
Gov: "It's really important you open schools."
HTs: "WE ARE!"
Gov: "We really need to get kids back to school!"
HTs: "AGREED. Now can you help with transportation?!"
Gov: "Wear a mask."

HTs: "Is that it?"
Gov: "If there's an outbreak it's your fault."
HTs: "Thanks."