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after a successfully executed but inscrutable journey last night i lay there thinking "what do i want out of magic" and had NO good answers.
or maybe: no GOOD answers. there are experiences i want and skills i want to develop, but none of them feel justified.
i don& #39;t know myself and my motivations very well. my mental model of self is tricky because i avoid self-aggrandizing by minimizing my better impulses and talking myself down from ones that i accept. and who knows what major dysfunctions i& #39;m too dysfunctional to recognize.
i want spirit contact. why? to have experiences, to be different, to have insight that others don& #39;t?
is it actually fine to be motivated for bad reasons if nothing really matters?
is it actually fine to be motivated for bad reasons if nothing really matters?
i wish i were motivated enough to actively address the standard health/wealth/thriving goals of ordinary practice so i could at least say "i want magic so i can address my problems and live a good life." but my behavior doesn& #39;t reflect that.
at the same time, if i put it all in boxes my life would be terrifyingly empty. i don& #39;t actually have the spiritual discernment to tell whether that& #39;s because i use magic to fill a badly executed and broken life or if i built a life that magic wanted to fill.
am i a person being had by an idea? because i& #39;m kind of fine with that.
maybe it& #39;s not a problem. if it& #39;s a choice between this and video games, i pick this.
there& #39;s nothing i& #39;d rather be doing with my thoughts, but maybe that& #39;s dysfunction.
maybe it& #39;s not a problem. if it& #39;s a choice between this and video games, i pick this.
there& #39;s nothing i& #39;d rather be doing with my thoughts, but maybe that& #39;s dysfunction.
maybe i& #39;ll do the hypersigil style anders j aamodt desires list until i have a clearer idea of what i want my reenchanted life to look like and then reverse-engineer from there.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HOk0u4rpKVPuCaI3wVgvNDrNT7PJKG7lBhczAgh41tk/edit?usp=sharing">https://docs.google.com/document/... lynx
