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after a successfully executed but inscrutable journey last night i lay there thinking "what do i want out of magic" and had NO good answers.
or maybe: no GOOD answers. there are experiences i want and skills i want to develop, but none of them feel justified.
i don't know myself and my motivations very well. my mental model of self is tricky because i avoid self-aggrandizing by minimizing my better impulses and talking myself down from ones that i accept. and who knows what major dysfunctions i'm too dysfunctional to recognize.
i want spirit contact. why? to have experiences, to be different, to have insight that others don't?
is it actually fine to be motivated for bad reasons if nothing really matters?
is it actually fine to be motivated for bad reasons if nothing really matters?
i wish i were motivated enough to actively address the standard health/wealth/thriving goals of ordinary practice so i could at least say "i want magic so i can address my problems and live a good life." but my behavior doesn't reflect that.
at the same time, if i put it all in boxes my life would be terrifyingly empty. i don't actually have the spiritual discernment to tell whether that's because i use magic to fill a badly executed and broken life or if i built a life that magic wanted to fill.
am i a person being had by an idea? because i'm kind of fine with that.
maybe it's not a problem. if it's a choice between this and video games, i pick this.
there's nothing i'd rather be doing with my thoughts, but maybe that's dysfunction.
maybe it's not a problem. if it's a choice between this and video games, i pick this.
there's nothing i'd rather be doing with my thoughts, but maybe that's dysfunction.
maybe i'll do the hypersigil style anders j aamodt desires list until i have a clearer idea of what i want my reenchanted life to look like and then reverse-engineer from there.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HOk0u4rpKVPuCaI3wVgvNDrNT7PJKG7lBhczAgh41tk/edit?usp=sharing lynx
