after a successfully executed but inscrutable journey last night i lay there thinking "what do i want out of magic" and had NO good answers.

or maybe: no GOOD answers. there are experiences i want and skills i want to develop, but none of them feel justified.

i don't know myself and my motivations very well. my mental model of self is tricky because i avoid self-aggrandizing by minimizing my better impulses and talking myself down from ones that i accept. and who knows what major dysfunctions i'm too dysfunctional to recognize.

i want spirit contact. why? to have experiences, to be different, to have insight that others don't?

is it actually fine to be motivated for bad reasons if nothing really matters?

i wish i were motivated enough to actively address the standard health/wealth/thriving goals of ordinary practice so i could at least say "i want magic so i can address my problems and live a good life." but my behavior doesn't reflect that.

at the same time, if i put it all in boxes my life would be terrifyingly empty. i don't actually have the spiritual discernment to tell whether that's because i use magic to fill a badly executed and broken life or if i built a life that magic wanted to fill.

am i a person being had by an idea? because i'm kind of fine with that.

maybe it's not a problem. if it's a choice between this and video games, i pick this.

there's nothing i'd rather be doing with my thoughts, but maybe that's dysfunction.

maybe i'll do the hypersigil style anders j aamodt desires list until i have a clearer idea of what i want my reenchanted life to look like and then reverse-engineer from there.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HOk0u4rpKVPuCaI3wVgvNDrNT7PJKG7lBhczAgh41tk/edit?usp=sharing lynx