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Kids need to be able to advocate for themselves. And that starts with being able to tell their parents uncomfortable truths without their parents completely losing their shit.
This doesn& #39;t mean no fights, it just means that fights have to be more than screaming matches.
This doesn& #39;t mean no fights, it just means that fights have to be more than screaming matches.
When frustrations bubble over, there& #39;s likely to be a fight of some kind. I don& #39;t try to tamp down fights, especially between the girls. I do step in if insults are thrown. You can& #39;t do that. But you can express anger and frustration at something that& #39;s bothering you.
And, of course, both will kids get into it. In my view, as long as their arguing is civil (which doesn& #39;t mean quiet), then I let them fight. But I do more than that...
... when they& #39;ve both kind of let out the main thrusts of their anger, I then step in and dispassionately recap what I heard both of them say. I want them to both hear what was said because often when it& #39;s screamed at you, it doesn& #39;t sink in.
I hope to do two things during this. First, I hope to help them hear each other out. Anger is a legitimate emotion, but it can drown out a legitimate grievance. And it& #39;s unrealistic to think anger won& #39;t lead to fighting.
I mean, c& #39;mon, we& #39;re Irish.
I mean, c& #39;mon, we& #39;re Irish.
But the second thing I want them to take from this kind of moderating is to see the validity of the >>other& #39;s<< anger. We ALL do things that piss each other off, but we often only think of our own frustrations. I want them BOTH to see how their actions can frustrate the other.
Now, for parents who are like "I& #39;m too busy to moderate." Here& #39;s the great thing: you don& #39;t have to do this every time. Do it when you would otherwise be screaming at them to stop fighting (which doesn& #39;t work).
Also, after you do this a while, they can sometimes handle it.
Also, after you do this a while, they can sometimes handle it.
And by "handle it" I mean they understand the rules (be civil) and that they can& #39;t beat the crap out of each other. But yeah, let those feelings out. Let the other person know you& #39;re mad. But go do it in the other room because I& #39;m in the middle of something!
Parents will NEVER be able to squash their child& #39;s anger. It& #39;s there, it& #39;s a trait, and with #ADHD our tempers make us dry tinder. So, how do we teach them to manage their tempers? That& #39;s my goal.
This approach works with fights between kids and parents too. When my kids are mad at me, >>I let them get it out<<.
What is it? What did I do? Why am I on your shit list, kid?
And they tell me. And I take it. Sometimes I& #39;m mad too and I give it right back to them.
What is it? What did I do? Why am I on your shit list, kid?
And they tell me. And I take it. Sometimes I& #39;m mad too and I give it right back to them.
Once our passions have eased, we recap and we try to find some understanding. We all feel heard and had a nice, cathartic yell-fest, so we can move on each having learned a lesson about the other.
