Read on Twitter
Kids need to be able to advocate for themselves. And that starts with being able to tell their parents uncomfortable truths without their parents completely losing their shit.
This doesn't mean no fights, it just means that fights have to be more than screaming matches.
This doesn't mean no fights, it just means that fights have to be more than screaming matches.
When frustrations bubble over, there's likely to be a fight of some kind. I don't try to tamp down fights, especially between the girls. I do step in if insults are thrown. You can't do that. But you can express anger and frustration at something that's bothering you.
And, of course, both will kids get into it. In my view, as long as their arguing is civil (which doesn't mean quiet), then I let them fight. But I do more than that...
... when they've both kind of let out the main thrusts of their anger, I then step in and dispassionately recap what I heard both of them say. I want them to both hear what was said because often when it's screamed at you, it doesn't sink in.
I hope to do two things during this. First, I hope to help them hear each other out. Anger is a legitimate emotion, but it can drown out a legitimate grievance. And it's unrealistic to think anger won't lead to fighting.
I mean, c'mon, we're Irish.
I mean, c'mon, we're Irish.
But the second thing I want them to take from this kind of moderating is to see the validity of the >>other's<< anger. We ALL do things that piss each other off, but we often only think of our own frustrations. I want them BOTH to see how their actions can frustrate the other.
Now, for parents who are like "I'm too busy to moderate." Here's the great thing: you don't have to do this every time. Do it when you would otherwise be screaming at them to stop fighting (which doesn't work).
Also, after you do this a while, they can sometimes handle it.
Also, after you do this a while, they can sometimes handle it.
And by "handle it" I mean they understand the rules (be civil) and that they can't beat the crap out of each other. But yeah, let those feelings out. Let the other person know you're mad. But go do it in the other room because I'm in the middle of something!
Parents will NEVER be able to squash their child's anger. It's there, it's a trait, and with #ADHD our tempers make us dry tinder. So, how do we teach them to manage their tempers? That's my goal.
This approach works with fights between kids and parents too. When my kids are mad at me, >>I let them get it out<<.
What is it? What did I do? Why am I on your shit list, kid?
And they tell me. And I take it. Sometimes I'm mad too and I give it right back to them.
What is it? What did I do? Why am I on your shit list, kid?
And they tell me. And I take it. Sometimes I'm mad too and I give it right back to them.
Once our passions have eased, we recap and we try to find some understanding. We all feel heard and had a nice, cathartic yell-fest, so we can move on each having learned a lesson about the other.
I chose this strategy after learning from my relationship with my dad that simply trying to out-scream each other doesn't work (we had some lung-bursters in our day.) But it was deeply unpleasant for me and only contributed to my resentment of him. I don't want that for my kids.
So now, when our kids fight, I treat it more like an episode of Judge Judy, complete with crotchety asides and snappy comebacks. I feel like it works pretty well for us. If what you're doing doesn't work, give this a try.
