TWITTER: HELP ME LIVE MY LIFE.

Here's the deal (please stick with me for this thread): I adore people who are empaths because, while I am kind and possess empathy, I'm NOT an empath. And that's okay. But it goes deeper than that. (1/12)

I was so emotionally fucked up by my childhood of incest, rape, being a drug mule, and learning never to trust anyone - and then being raped again at 14, being abused by family at 17, another rape at 17, another at 18, etc. - that I never learned to communicate emotions. (2/12)

Now, I CAN communicate emotions via written word or singing. But the problem (now that everyone has background) is that I KNOW this is negatively altering my relationship with my spouse. He's very kind, very passive, very gentle - but he doesn't say what he wants, either. (3/12)

So, my spouse is passive and won't say (sorry for those offended by the word fuck, but, welcome to my posts), "I want to fuck you," or, "You mean everything to me." He doesn't pull me over and just give me That Look that means "I love and want you." (4/12)

For SUPER obvious reasons, I know why. I get it: I've been abused. Raped. Used. Beaten. Tortured. Kidnapped. He's big on consent, as am I. We both respect each other tremendously. But because my past is a shitshow, he won't speak his needs, even when I've said to do so. (5/12)

And I, like an emotionally void human (which I sometimes really AM), have literally NO idea how to say, "Hey - fuck me." Or "I'm having a shit time, can you occasionally say I'm beautiful or something that has meaning to how and who I am to make me feel better?" (6/12)

I just lost all my hair forever. I'm still (my OWN demons - not about anyone else) too heavy. My husband says, "You look fine." But "you look fine" to me is dismissive as FUCK. He doesn't mean it to be, but I feel so ugly, vulnerable, and isolated. He doesn't get it. (7/12)

Again, he's more sensitive than I am - I'm a Domme, so I communicate for a scene, but my husband will NOT submit to me because he isn't into my lifestyle - and so, my way to communicate is just to shut down (and, pre-COVID, go to my club and beat someone with consent). (8/12)

I don't know HOW to say, "I want to be beautiful to you. I want you to tell me I'm smart. I want you to see how much I love our family. I have worked so hard to build a post-amnesia life and no one seems to give a fuck." But I don't know how. (9/12)

Am I really as ugly as I think, which is why I'm just not - having a lot of sex? Or hearing anything complimentary? Am I so stupid as to not deserve "your writing is fantastic?" I'm not asking for 24/7 affirmation. Just - occasionally, you know? Or do I not deserve it? (10/12)

Maybe I don't. Maybe having to stop working full-time and pursuing my passions at home makes me - lesser than. Maybe autoimmune baldness is ugly on me. Maybe I'm not a talented singer any longer. I just don't know how to ask for kindness. And I NEVER want it to be a lie. (11/12)

Anyway - does anyone else feel this? Have suggestions? Have better ways to communicate than I do, which is - don't (unless I get to be dominant, which never happens at home, fuck all)? I just shut down. How can I speak so loudly for others, but never for myself? Thanks. (12/12)