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TWITTER: HELP ME LIVE MY LIFE.
Here& #39;s the deal (please stick with me for this thread): I adore people who are empaths because, while I am kind and possess empathy, I& #39;m NOT an empath. And that& #39;s okay. But it goes deeper than that. (1/12)
Here& #39;s the deal (please stick with me for this thread): I adore people who are empaths because, while I am kind and possess empathy, I& #39;m NOT an empath. And that& #39;s okay. But it goes deeper than that. (1/12)
I was so emotionally fucked up by my childhood of incest, rape, being a drug mule, and learning never to trust anyone - and then being raped again at 14, being abused by family at 17, another rape at 17, another at 18, etc. - that I never learned to communicate emotions. (2/12)
Now, I CAN communicate emotions via written word or singing. But the problem (now that everyone has background) is that I KNOW this is negatively altering my relationship with my spouse. He& #39;s very kind, very passive, very gentle - but he doesn& #39;t say what he wants, either. (3/12)
So, my spouse is passive and won& #39;t say (sorry for those offended by the word fuck, but, welcome to my posts), "I want to fuck you," or, "You mean everything to me." He doesn& #39;t pull me over and just give me That Look that means "I love and want you." (4/12)
For SUPER obvious reasons, I know why. I get it: I& #39;ve been abused. Raped. Used. Beaten. Tortured. Kidnapped. He& #39;s big on consent, as am I. We both respect each other tremendously. But because my past is a shitshow, he won& #39;t speak his needs, even when I& #39;ve said to do so. (5/12)
And I, like an emotionally void human (which I sometimes really AM), have literally NO idea how to say, "Hey - fuck me." Or "I& #39;m having a shit time, can you occasionally say I& #39;m beautiful or something that has meaning to how and who I am to make me feel better?" (6/12)
I just lost all my hair forever. I& #39;m still (my OWN demons - not about anyone else) too heavy. My husband says, "You look fine." But "you look fine" to me is dismissive as FUCK. He doesn& #39;t mean it to be, but I feel so ugly, vulnerable, and isolated. He doesn& #39;t get it. (7/12)
Again, he& #39;s more sensitive than I am - I& #39;m a Domme, so I communicate for a scene, but my husband will NOT submit to me because he isn& #39;t into my lifestyle - and so, my way to communicate is just to shut down (and, pre-COVID, go to my club and beat someone with consent). (8/12)
I don& #39;t know HOW to say, "I want to be beautiful to you. I want you to tell me I& #39;m smart. I want you to see how much I love our family. I have worked so hard to build a post-amnesia life and no one seems to give a fuck." But I don& #39;t know how. (9/12)
Am I really as ugly as I think, which is why I& #39;m just not - having a lot of sex? Or hearing anything complimentary? Am I so stupid as to not deserve "your writing is fantastic?" I& #39;m not asking for 24/7 affirmation. Just - occasionally, you know? Or do I not deserve it? (10/12)
Maybe I don& #39;t. Maybe having to stop working full-time and pursuing my passions at home makes me - lesser than. Maybe autoimmune baldness is ugly on me. Maybe I& #39;m not a talented singer any longer. I just don& #39;t know how to ask for kindness. And I NEVER want it to be a lie. (11/12)
Anyway - does anyone else feel this? Have suggestions? Have better ways to communicate than I do, which is - don& #39;t (unless I get to be dominant, which never happens at home, fuck all)? I just shut down. How can I speak so loudly for others, but never for myself? Thanks. 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="❤️" title="Rotes Herz" aria-label="Emoji: Rotes Herz">(12/12)
