I’ve been married six years today. It’s not the longest time, but I’ve certainly learned a couple things about relationships, one being: conflict is hard, even with the people you choose. Being two different people sharing a space is sometimes work even with the ones you choose.

I think conflict is an emotional investment in people. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? Why give that energy to something or someone you don’t actually care about and could just walk away from instead? So I don’t think anybody owes anyone else seeing though a conflict in this setting.

We’re a community of sorts, it’s true. But we didn’t all choose each other automatically on entry, and we aren’t obligated to choose each other ongoingly. We didn’t say vows to join this fandom. I think we owe it to each other to start with friendliness and openness, that’s it

Some people you will end up liking MORE as time goes, some you’ll like less (usually just because everyone doesn’t like everyone—occasionally for big reasons like racism). That’s completely healthy and just a part of how this works

Some of those people might turn into real Community for you because you MUTUALLY invest in relationships with each other. Most of this will stay just a community, like how the Y is a “community” center when it brings together people who all just share an interest in taking yoga

If you end up in a vehement disagreement with someone in your yoga class you aren’t obligated to “talk it out” or even resolve it. Maybe you just move your yoga mat. Maybe you quit. Maybe you even leave the Y. But it isn’t because the Y failed in doing what it was built for

Only you can know—or hell, sometimes we’re ALL guessing and hoping—who here you have made relationships with and who is just another person who signed up for a shared interest. But I recommend putting your energies toward the people you’ve chosen—in good and bad!

Because friendship and arguments aren’t opposites here! Because of being...human people? So for my two cents save your angst for talking things out and seeing disagreements through with people you actually want to see on the other side of them. Move your yoga mat for the others.

This “community” isn’t a monolith—it’s bigger and smaller than we all think. But when it comes to investment it doesn’t have to mean every single person with stucky in their bio—it means assuming the best, moving on from the worst, and choosing who gets more from you than that.

This is about fandom, this fandom, but it’s also just about any space we’re going to share with other human beings in life. Be friendly and not a dick, be open to new connections, but don’t give every single person who walks through the door power to hurt you. Life is too short.

If you dislike someone, unfollow or mute them (not just on twitter but like REALLY in your brain too)

if you like someone, talk to them! (Seriously, take a shot!)

It’s easier said than done, I know this from experience too. But seems like maybe we all need to give it a try.