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It sucks when you've been used and manipulated in romantic situations—for sex, for attention, for what you have or who you're in proximity to—and once more, you're being brave and as much as you want to let someone in completely, as much as you want to trust them, you're scared.
I don't play with people's feelings or their heart to get what I want, I don't have to pretend or say shit I don't mean, but other people do all of those things, swear they're a person with good intentions when in reality, those intentions aren't for you, they're for them.
And when it's been done so many times, no matter how much someone is showing up for you, doing all the right things, you can't help but look for exit signs anyway, backing out before it gets too deep and it's all about the fear because of what other people have done.
It's just really sad at the end of the day because I could get sex anywhere, but sharing my body and being a giver is very sacred to me and there are conditions and I go incredibly long periods abstaining for the sake of my own mental health.
And I think, if you just want sex, say that, but I know that's not how manipulation works and I understand people purposely pursue unavailable people like me, avoidant-dismissive people like me, and I've been right every time to run and when I don't run, I realize I should've.
I'm trying to ease myself into slowing down, working through my fears and not letting my fears hold me back from happiness, but it often feels like a huge wall.
I can't help but feel like I'm being inauthentic somehow by not being open, but open to me means vulnerable. I do things like reading text messages, but not answering, sometimes for lengthy amount of times. Sometimes I'm thinking of what to say and sometimes I'm being avoidant.
I don't mean to seem hot and cold. It's not that. I'm just being patient, working through my feelings on my own time and trying to resist the impulse to look for exit signs. It's not even trauma misleading me when my intuition in the past has been right and I failed to listen.
It just deeply hurts to lack trust when someone hasn't given you any reason to not trust them. And they'll know and feel that. You want your relationship to deepen, but all the same, it's just such a risk when you know what you have to offer and how people have used you.
