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It sucks when you& #39;ve been used and manipulated in romantic situations—for sex, for attention, for what you have or who you& #39;re in proximity to—and once more, you& #39;re being brave and as much as you want to let someone in completely, as much as you want to trust them, you& #39;re scared.
I don& #39;t play with people& #39;s feelings or their heart to get what I want, I don& #39;t have to pretend or say shit I don& #39;t mean, but other people do all of those things, swear they& #39;re a person with good intentions when in reality, those intentions aren& #39;t for you, they& #39;re for them.
And when it& #39;s been done so many times, no matter how much someone is showing up for you, doing all the right things, you can& #39;t help but look for exit signs anyway, backing out before it gets too deep and it& #39;s all about the fear because of what other people have done.
It& #39;s just really sad at the end of the day because I could get sex anywhere, but sharing my body and being a giver is very sacred to me and there are conditions and I go incredibly long periods abstaining for the sake of my own mental health.
And I think, if you just want sex, say that, but I know that& #39;s not how manipulation works and I understand people purposely pursue unavailable people like me, avoidant-dismissive people like me, and I& #39;ve been right every time to run and when I don& #39;t run, I realize I should& #39;ve.
I& #39;m trying to ease myself into slowing down, working through my fears and not letting my fears hold me back from happiness, but it often feels like a huge wall.
I can& #39;t help but feel like I& #39;m being inauthentic somehow by not being open, but open to me means vulnerable. I do things like reading text messages, but not answering, sometimes for lengthy amount of times. Sometimes I& #39;m thinking of what to say and sometimes I& #39;m being avoidant.
