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Hey y'all who are parents, particularly cishet ones, I'm gonna make some suggestions about what you do when your kid comes out to you.
Yeah I said when. It might not be about gender / sexuality, but eventually your kid is gonna tell you something themselves you don't expect.
Yeah I said when. It might not be about gender / sexuality, but eventually your kid is gonna tell you something themselves you don't expect.
First, I know you're a good person who wants to affirm and support your child, right? You understand you don't and shouldn't control them, that they are who they are and they figure out how to live in the world.
If that's not true just go away please, I'm not talking to you.
If that's not true just go away please, I'm not talking to you.
So! Folks, don't diminish the moment by downplaying it. Yeah, it's fun to say "okay, now mow the lawn," it's a good "look how accepting I am" joke. But no matter what, even if you're an awesome loud outspoken ally, your kid is still Going Through Something.
Identity formation is work! Saying a thing out loud to someone who matters to you makes it much more real, too. If you aren't sure of their response, it all adds up to something pretty scary, and big, and just... Momentous.
So. When your kid comes out to you:
Honor the moment.
Recognize that it matters.
Affirm their identity.
Offer support, embody love.
Honor the moment.
Recognize that it matters.
Affirm their identity.
Offer support, embody love.
Honor the moment:
"Thank you for telling me this, sweetie. It means a lot to me that you want to and know you can."
Many kids can't have this conversation with their parents. Yours knows that. They've made a choice.
"Thank you for telling me this, sweetie. It means a lot to me that you want to and know you can."
Many kids can't have this conversation with their parents. Yours knows that. They've made a choice.
Recognize that it matters:
It's tempting to say "it doesn't matter to me, you're still you," but who we are matters to *us* and the world. Try "I love knowing who you are."
It's tempting to say "it doesn't matter to me, you're still you," but who we are matters to *us* and the world. Try "I love knowing who you are."
Affirm their identity:
Even if you have doubts or don't understand! It's more important to respect their self-determination than agree with it.
"This is new to me, but I believe you, I'm gonna do some reading" is affirming. So is "Did you know Aunt Jane is gay too?"
Even if you have doubts or don't understand! It's more important to respect their self-determination than agree with it.
"This is new to me, but I believe you, I'm gonna do some reading" is affirming. So is "Did you know Aunt Jane is gay too?"
Offer support:
Sometimes they don't need it, but the world can be hard for us. There are a ton of ways to indicate support. I like "anyone gives you shit, I got you, okay?" quite a bit.
"I'm in your corner, kid. You got this. I'll help."
Sometimes they don't need it, but the world can be hard for us. There are a ton of ways to indicate support. I like "anyone gives you shit, I got you, okay?" quite a bit.
"I'm in your corner, kid. You got this. I'll help."
Embody love:
With words or without them, land on love. It's so simple and so important.
"I love you so much, and I always will."
With words or without them, land on love. It's so simple and so important.
"I love you so much, and I always will."
It's not always fraught. Sometimes this conversation is a celebration. Often, even! But all these pieces still matter.
Also, this is what I do with folks - not always young, not always my kids - who come out to me. They know I'm safe to talk to. This is still how it goes.
Also, this is what I do with folks - not always young, not always my kids - who come out to me. They know I'm safe to talk to. This is still how it goes.
Hopefully this helps so when your kid comes to you with "I need to tell you something and I'm not sure how you're going to feel about it," you'll be ready.
Honor. Affirm. Support. Love.
Honor. Affirm. Support. Love.
