Thread by @KWholesaler, you spent 20 minutes scrutinizing your careworn face in the bathroom and [...]

you spent 20 minutes scrutinizing your careworn face in the bathroom and now the bottom half of your coffee cup is cold dregs.

- ugghh I’ll swill it down. I need all the help I can get today

- no thanks. i’ll brew a fresh pot while I meditate :)

down the hatch. you slug back the silty remainder (how is cold coffee colder than room temperature?). now time to get started

- i’ll just open twitter and scroll twitter a few minutes

-better not. if i get dressed now and plan my day I can relax later

you log on hoping to see some quick videos of cats in cowboy hats. no cats but you get sucked into trying to interpret some inscrutable drama through dozens of subtweets

- ok enough of this i‘m going to water my plants and read a book

- better investigate further

an hour later and the whole affair is still murky but you unfollowed a few ppl and muted a few more. you notice the sky is strangely dark outside

- no consequence. outside affairs do not concern me.

- i’ll just stick my head out and look. the fresh air will do me good.

wow. it’s not just dark but birds are flying erratically. the sun is a silver outline through a dense cloud bank. static electricity makes your hair stand on end.

- time to go back to bed

- i should check the news or weather or something

you log back on to twitter and go to the “trending” tab. the top posts are all a variation of #WhyIsItSoDarkOutside uhhhh anybody else think this is weird [ office gif ]. quite unrevealing

- better turn on the tv news

- no seriously, back to bed

you turn on the cable news channel that really sucks (but not the one that really really sucks). there’s an empty anchor chair and a low hiss of static. the chyron is a string of random characters.

- better check in with friends and family

- see what the dm is saying

DMs are broken so you give your mom a call. she’s at your dads model boat show and he’s just won third place. before you can ask if anything weird is going on the service cuts out

- go outside and watch the end of the world

- you want an option 2? you should’ve gone back to bed

things are worse. the heavenly firmament breaks apart revealing slithering viscera and a heart the size of the sun squirting hours of blood into the cosmos.

- repent, the day of judgement is at hand

- cackle madly, don’t give the gods the satisfaction

your laugh comes out as a barking cough. your eyes torn from the orgiastic spectacle of doom above, you notice your neighborhood is a fiery ruin. a giant with flowing blonde hair in battered armor leans on a sword weeping.

- ask him what’s wrong

- pretend like you don’t see him

you try to ignore but make awkward eye contact. he begins speaking in a mellifluous tongue that cuts through the sulfurous air. he takes something from a tiny giant pocket which is a large human pocket and gesture you to take it

- take the item

- tell him your inventory is full

you point out your smaller than tiny giant size pockets but no matter- he bestows upon you the cargo shorts of holding, and hands you a cube covered with scrollwork of otherworldly craftsmanship

- fiddle with it and see if it emits an eerie glow

- put it in your cargo pocket

that firmament is really coming down now. the giant with a last gasp of strength swings his sword in a blue arc, cutting the air open to reveal a shimmering mirror that you assume is a portal

- better enter the portal

- what part of “resigned to my fate” do you not understand?

he gives you a helpful flick with a gauntleted hand the size of a volkswagen. you begin to wonder if this free will thing is just a scam.

- tune in next time to see what lies beyond the apocalypse

- really, seriously going back to bed next time you see one of these threads

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