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I am *begging* everyone to have a more nuanced narrative about heartbreak and healing. I get it's in good fun but this narrative is so pervasive I've heard it in private consolation conversations like "oh ur so hot u can do better. Don't cry over him" etc etc. Listen (1/n) https://twitter.com/emeIIyy/status/1297036925425999873
First of all, the idea of physical traits adding value to your worth and making you loveable or better than anyone is trash. So let's establish that from the get go. This is also the narrative that feeds the idea of "leagues". (2/n)
Leagues have evolved. they're no longer about just being pretty, but also smarter, more successful, funnier, etc None of this actually takes away from the fundamental problem at hand: determining people's value by stacking up their personal qualities and then comparing totals (3/
First of all, relationships aren't determined by what you bring to the table in terms of being entertaining, hot, or super smart. It's a relationship, it's about a dynamic and all that should count here is trust, compatibility and ofc kindness. (4/n)
If we must at all compare two people to determine who's "better",perhaps kindness would be the most acceptable metric. And what it boils down to is how they treat you. If they don't treat you well, or are abusive, toxic, absent, uncaring, leave. You *do* deserve better. (5/n)
But that's got nothing to do with how you look or how smart you are or how funny. It's simply that they didn't treat you with the respect and affection and basic decency that comes with any healthy relationship. Now, say you left someone who was shitty to you. (6/n)
Did you do the right thing? Yes. Was it extremely difficult? Yes. Is it possible or okay to miss them? To grieve the loss of a relationship that one can only define as abusive (worst case scenario)? Yes! 7/n
Why do people stay in abusive relationships? Or toxic ones? It would be a terrible brand of victim blaming to call them stupid or weak. Sometimes it's the literal logistical hell of leaving an abusive partner (esp in hetero relationships) who could threaten and kill u (8/n)
But more often, it's because there's attachment there. There's affection, codependence, concern, love and maybe a lot of it is mutual. It doesn't matter whether your toxic partner deserved it or not. This is about _your_ feelings and your process. And to look back at a rel (9/n)
And kick yourself for loving someone or missing them when they were shitty to you or when they didn't reciprocate etc, is you not making space for your own process. Friends enable this by going like "he's not worth it sis" or "plenty of fish in the sea" and there's nothing (10/n)
More alienating than someone not making space for you to mourn the loss of something that, regardless of whether it was healthy or good, meant a lot to you. So to wrap up, make space. Make space for nuance in discourse around the end of relationships, center it around honoring(11
Your *own* feelings, or those of your friend. Yes, discourage them from returning to a shitty ex but also acknowledge the attachment to that ex instead of dismissing it as ridiculous. Because that's where your friend feels misunderstood. And that's where they'll stop (12/n)
Listening to you. The more you dismiss their attachment, sense of loss and genuine hurt by considering whether their ex was worth it, the more you bring that ex back into a conversation or process which is no longer about them. (13/n)
Or at least shouldn't be about them. Just make space. Make space for hurt. Make space for healing. Allow yourself to grieve losing a connection or potential connection with someone. Allow yourself to grieve the end of an abusive relationship, a one-sided *entanglement* (14/n)
That person you met on bumble who stopped texting back after three weeks and who maybe doesn't give a fuck about you. It doesn't matter what they feel. All you have is your own feelings, expectations, disappointment, and hurt. And you should honor that. (15/n)
This process is feeling your way through your own hurt, and understanding and befriending yourself in the process. Don't make this about leagues, don't center it around rebounds (and victimizing/using another person), and use those (16/n)
Break up songs (necessarily hyperbolic and dismissive if also v cathartic), make overs, haircuts etc to support your process of grieving by adding levity and material change if u want but realize that healing is a lot more than that. (17/n)
And ultimately, the path to healthier relationships is you fully processing your hurt, your anger, and your sense of loss. Otherwise, chances are, you'll go hurt someone else, or repeat the cycle you had with your ex. And you don't want that. You don't deserve that. End of thread
