OK, so I have some big personal news, which is going to need some context. So *phew* here goes.

I had, by anyone's yardstick, a pretty shitty 2019, culminating in my leaving a psychiatrist's office in August with a diagnosis of Complex PTSD & Borderline Personality Disorder...

(How I earned both of these is a subject for another day). Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) ICYDK (cause I didn't) takes its name from... well everyone has neuroses but people with BPD's neurosis are so bad that they border on psychosis. It's also (more accurately)...

...called Emotionally Intensity Disorder. Essentially my emotional thermostat is...fucked.

And as any Jedi Padwan will tell you, negative emotions are much stronger than positive ones. In my mind every accident is a disaster, every upset, a tragedy, &

... everyday annoyances rage inducing.

Now, getting diagnosed with a personality disorder in your 40s is… not ideal. But to me anyway, it came as something as a relief. I wasn't "crazy" the last few months/years had been brutally tough, & exhausting.

@roemcdermott wrote about having PTSD earlier this year, & it resonated deeply. She said that people with PTSD are often labelled as "difficult", & it me!

In fact, I've always had a tremendously negative view of myself. I thought, deep down, I wasn't a particularly nice person..

... because I had these enormous reservoirs of negative emotions. And after leaving my doctors office I realised that nothing really had changed, except, in my own mind. And in the end that's the only place that really matters.

But... I need to make some BIG changes...

1). I *need* to spend less time on here. I used Twitter as a displacement activity when stressed and anxious. Which is, frankly, fucking ridiculous. This place is endless sushi conveyor belt of things to get angry & depressed about.

Now I *did* make that decision in early Feb...

... before the world went to shit.

2ndly, I can't stay in my job. For starts, to be freelance (particularly in a creative industry) is to live in a state of perpetual anxiety about the next gig. Combine that with frequent bouts of unemployment between gigs...

And you have a perfect recipe for my anxiety & depression to flourish.

And if I'm honest with myself, I've not enjoyed/liked my job for some time. I had to leave my last gig in January, I didn't think it possible to be that bored, and stressed at the same time.

I've worked in film & TV for close to 20 years, I started straight out of college, this (sometimes hilariously, sometimes horrifyingly) dysfunctional industry is all I've ever known...

But I *need* to change, so...

I'm pleased/terrified to tell you all, that come Sept I'm starting a Masters in public policy in UCD's school of politics.

I want to specialise in internet regulation, developing effective counter measures to deal with disinformation, online extremism, and hate speech...

... which, if you've been following me for a while now, are the issues that have really been the focus of my attention. And if you've been following world events, (and even more so since the pandemic started) these are all areas that *desperately* need our attention...

... I've no idea if this is something that I can contribute to, but I'm just tired of watching how social media is tearing at the fabric of our society, and I want to try.

I'm also excited to tell you, I've just found out that, I've won a full scholarship for the year....

....so um yeah, that's my news.

TLDR: I've run away from the circus to become an accountant.

And I'm not a messy bitch who loves drama, I'm a messy bitch who loves drama *because* of my BPD.

So, if I've annoyed you or rubbed you the wrong way in, oh, the last 30 years,sorry?