so I guess if you haven't been following me for long you might not know this, but I have a cluster b personality disorder. (hence: no empathy.)

let me tell you a bit about what that's like.

I love children. I've always gotten along with them well. before I taught at the university level, I taught kids. I was very good at it. children who wouldn't open up to other adults felt some innate sense of kinship with me.

children aren't great at regulating their emotional responses. they're impulsive and when they want something, they don't understand why they can't always have it. they oscillate wildly between unconditional love and raging hatred based on how they're being treated in the moment.

children are rejection-sensitive, can find emotional stimuli overwhelming and see the world in shades of black and white. they live in the moment, with very little regard for or understanding of the future or consequences.

I like children. they're a lot like me.

we generally don't diagnose personality disorders in kids. if we did, they'd almost all have one. but most kids grow and mature and learn things like impulse control and empathy and thoughtfulness and insight.

and some of them, for whatever reason, don't.

I could tell you all kinds of stories about my childhood and the self-defence mechanisms I developed to survive it, but suffice it to say that I am one of the kids who never grew up. I got to adulthood with more or less all the same emotional responses I'd had as a child.

my emotions are overwhelming and I cannot turn them off. my reactions to things are disproportionate to the point of being inappropriate. my impulse control is, let's say, nominal, and it's very difficult for me to visualise future consequences in the moment.

and you know, it's not always a bad thing! I am naturally predisposed to take risks and try new things. when I care about people or things, I care with everything I have. I can be lively, vivacious, charismatic. I'm good at inspiring people.

personality disorders are complicated. most personality traits have positives and negatives. someone who's not afraid to try new things is also likely to be careless or take dangerous risks. people who love fiercely often hate fiercely.

I hate fiercely. I have a hair-trigger temper and I can't always control my aim. when I was younger, I lashed out at people a lot, and when I say lashed out, I mean scorched-earth offensives because I was having a bad day.

I am not proud of a lot of things I've done. having a personality disorder is not an excuse to mistreat people. I'm working on aiming better and using less force.

I think the thing most people are scared of when it comes to cluster b disorders is manipulation. I won't deny it; I'm manipulative. most people are, in my experience. almost every human interaction involves some kind of manipulation.

there are a couple of differences between the way I manipulate people and the way most other people manipulate people:

1) I don't feel guilty about it, and
2) I'm good at it.

I don't feel guilty because when I want something, I do what I need to do so I can get it. wanting the thing is reason enough. I'm good at it because people who are lively, vivacious and charismatic tend to be quite persuasive.

I've met a lot of people who are quite good at getting what they want, but feel bad about it, like it's cheating somehow. I don't feel that guilt. it doesn't make sense to me. why would I feel guilty about wanting something? why would anyone?

of course I know, intellectually, that you can't always get what you want. but in the moment, I'm not good at thinking about consequences. there's a voice in my brain that tells me no, but the voice in my brain that tells me yes is much louder.

sometimes I feel bad after the fact. that's because I don't set out to cause people harm; I set out to get what I want, and when I'm focused on getting something, that's the only consideration. afterwards, if I realise I've harmed someone, I generally feel remorse.

a large part of therapy for me has been learning to think about the consequences before the fact rather than after. I'm better at it than I was a decade ago. I think I'll be better at it a decade from now.

another large part of therapy for me has been learning to regulate, if not my emotions themselves, the way I express them. I can feel however I want, but that doesn't give me the right to lash out at people or punish them because I can't handle how I'm feeling.

the third and maybe most significant part of the last decade of therapy has been learning impulse control. I have comorbid bipolar depression, so I'm fighting this one on two fronts. when I am manic, my inhibitions are basically nonexistent.

again, that's not always a bad thing! I've been on some incredible adventures under the influence of mania. it's the best drug in the world. I've never tried cocaine but I've had a lot of people describe it to me, and y'all could save yourselves some money by being bipolar.

every trait has good and bad sides. I would never have moved across the world if I weren't willing to follow an impulse. I wouldn't have hiked up a waterfall in ballet flats in the middle of nowhere, CA, or stood under niagara falls, or performed in my favourite musical.

I also probably wouldn't have a drinking problem, but you take the good with the bad. and they have programmes for that now, with steps and everything.

I'm being glib. I apologise.

I don't believe in good or bad people. I believe in doing helpful things or harmful things. I try to do more of the former than the latter. I'm better at it some days than others. I hope that on the day of judgment, my creator will decide I tipped the scales the right way.

I'm not sure I believe in morality, either, not as something objective. maybe that's strange, coming from someone religious, but the qur'an is pretty adaptable in a lot of ways. I like to think that's on purpose.

the thing is, when you get down to it, the thing is that having a child's reactions to things is fine when you're a child. it's less fine when you're an adult. that's my problem, see. I never learnt how to react to things as an adult, but I'm living an adult's life.

when you're a kid, you have parents to tell you no and teachers who explain that it's good to share and even if you decide not to listen to them, there's only so much damage you can do in your six-year-old body.

when you're an adult, there's nobody to say no anymore but you, and I never learnt to say no to myself.

why not spend all my rent money on shoes? rent is a future problem and I want those limited-edition converse now. why do I care if by getting what I want, someone else doesn't get what they want? they shouldn't have been in my way.

that sounds callous and I guess it is. the reason why I have no empathy, by the way, is that my own constant inner barrage of feelings and desires is so overwhelming that I do not have the bandwidth to process anyone else's. I know your feelings exist, but they're not my problem.

people sometimes don't believe me when I say I have BPD, I guess because I don't generally come across as a spoilt brat in an adult's body, and they don't believe me when I say I have no empathy because I care about and try to help other people.

I had to learn how to do that.

for the last decade, I've been seeing doctors and therapists and learning how to emulate cognitively the things many people can do emotionally. I still have plenty of work to do, but these days I pay my rent on time and mostly don't lash out at innocent strangers.

I can hold down a job (well, I could before my job stopped existing because of a global pandemic), I can form healthy relationships that don't end explosively the first time I get angry at something and even if I can't feel your feelings, I can listen when you tell me about them.

and I can use what my favourite ever therapist called "the beasts of my nature" to help people. I can aim my anger at righteous causes. I can persuade people to hear new perspectives or unlearn their biases. and I can love fiercely, too, even more fiercely than I hate.

I don't think I'm a good person or a bad person. I think that these days, I help more than I hurt. that's what I want. I want that more than anything. and when I want something, I get what I want, you know?

and I'm good with children. I like that. children need adults who still remember what being a child is like. it's the closest I ever get to empathy.