There’s this terrible lie we’re sold when we’re young - that bullies get their just desserts eventually.

It’s just simply not true in reality and it’s a heartbreaking realization to have as you grow older. And you’ll have it again, and again. It never stops.

One of the main things I came to realize today, working through some things with some friends is that grown up adult bullies rarely think they are, in fact, the bully. Or even a bad person.

But, they are. They’re also invariably hypocrites.

There’s SO many kinds of adult bullies, often power hungry, fame or attention obsessed, think they’re better than others around them even if they have low self esteem, want a big piece of the small pie instead of sharing, and they’re fine with burning anyone who gets in their way

(Whatever their way is).

There’s a bit more to it too, but this isn’t meant to be a long analytical thread.

I’m just sad, for my friends and anyone else who has to deal with bullies. We get told the lie it’ll get them in the end, but the truth is, that often doesn’t happen.

I also want anyone to know who’s dealing with bullies in private (because often we cannot deal with them in public for many reasons) - I promise you are not alone.

We may not be able to talk about them, but it’s not just you. There’s always more who’ve faced their bullying

Damn this really resonated with a lot of you rn eh? I’m so sorry you’re going through it. It’s a terrible side effect of poor habits people pick up on SM - esp those who gain a platform and don’t self reflect

I tweeted this in utter sadness last night, but maybe I’ll elaborate:-

While there’s evil, nefarious, deliberate bullying there’s also just a lot of really poor behaviour we aren’t taught are inappropriate or maybe even know to look out for in ourselves. Instead, as some of you noted in replies we’re given tools to excuse or justify our behaviours

The anti-bullying education we may or may not receive often puts the onus on the victim to repair or address. There’s no work done to help bullies even identify that they’re the bully.

In addition to that there’s no safety or education to help with speaking out against bullies

The final straw in it all is that social media has evolved rapidly before our eyes. Sure, twitter, instagram, facebook have all been around for more than a decade now but that’s a mere blip in social evolution and progression :-

and while we have vague social rules carried from offline behaviour, much of it has been thrown to the wind and the systems in these communities have evolved with very little or zero leadership or design. It’s been organic, for better and worse. Twitter in particular!

Twitter’s history for those of us who’ve been around long enough is that even the technology and how it advanced was entirely governed by organic user behaviour. Take for example retweets and @ s - TOTALLY invented by users then implemented in the infrastructure

These behaviours happened and drove the platform. People used to retweet by typing RT then copying & pasting, they would talk to others or mention with @ - it never used to notify or actually tag people, that came later - it just helped people understand the evolving social rules

That’s the very base systems to our now standard communication across many platforms but it evolved here first and is very illustrative of how these social systems have come about - for good AND a bad we did away with a lot of typical social norms and hierarchies

This gave marginalized people a voice where we never had one before, that’s a good outcome, but there’s also all the bad - and some of that is that bullies get platforms, OR even more common, regular people get platforms and they become bullies and don’t realize.

I do want to acknowledge that not all bullies have platforms, and not all people who have platforms are bullies, but we all need to monitor and check in on our behaviour. It’s an active process. And why? Because unlike typical life there is very little online that will inform us

Often there’s a lot of power imbalance involved. We become a bully without realizing because no one checks us or tells us because it’s not safe for them to do so, especially if the bullying has the threat of becoming harassment.

So we MUST make a concerted effort to self examine

This is an important aspect of maturity as an adult. Some people get there on their own, some need help, and others never will. Sometimes that means we have to let people go, block them, put them on mute and understand their behaviour is harmful to us and it’s self protection.

That’s especially hard when it’s someone others around you value so I want to acknowledge that because it happens more often than we realize. And if that is happening to you, I GUARANTEE it’s not just you. The power imbalance and precariousness of communities keeps us silent.

There’s a reason my sad little posts from last night resonate so loudly with so many - you are NOT alone, and I know we often can’t talk about it, confront our bullies, or even teach them to be better people.

Often we have to deal in silence and try to heal the trauma quietly.

So, let’s talk about a few behaviours it’s never said enough, or loudly. Someone else replied and said something along the lines of “we’ve all been the villain in someone else’s story”. That’s VERY true and if we can’t or won’t acknowledge that, that’s when it’s a BIG problem.

1. Punching down. This one is an enormous umbrella for many of the other behaviours I’m about to mention - when it’s coupled with those behaviours it makes them FAR worse and more impactful on the other person

Punching down is essentially not acknowledging or recognizing power.

And yes, you can have power even if you’re marginalized in any way. In fact, I think a number of people who gain a platform use their marginalization as a type of shield - whether protecting them from criticism or because the community does it for them and puts them on a pedestal

It’s also a very handy justification tool. I’ve seen a number of people who gain a platform, are marginalized and use their platform to ‘fight the good fight’ and then that all becomes justification for any bullying, forgetting there are people on the other end and there’s a line

We avoid punching down by recognizing our power, or platform and being conscious of the HUMAN on the other end of our behaviour - do they have less followers? Is it a LOT less?(!) Are they established in career/goals or trying to make their way? Are they also marginalized?

There’s a lot of people who think punching down is only about social inequalities but that’s not just about fundamental marginalization such as race, class, gender, sexuality, disability etc. It’s also about social leverage and power on the platform and in general.

2. Punching laterally. This one is tricky, but I think in general we shouldn’t. If it’s someone lateral to us in any axis it‘s not justifiable to bully. We can call people out (or, preferably IN) when required but imo it’s also important to make sure we don’t do it by BULLYING.

So, that’s step number one. The foundation to avoiding being a bully. There’s a lot of smaller things that come underneath that header that I’ll talk about in a moment.

(I’ve hit the thread limit so brb. Thanks for bearing with me )

3. The next foundation: RESPECT. Even if we feel we do need to call someone out (or in) we still treat them with respect. I can’t believe how often I see this just done away with. I think a number of our problems in online communities is due to zero respect of others.

And, sure, people have to earn some kinds of respect but I think what people get confused with respect is reverence - that has to be earned, or should I say, reverential respect?

There’s a more foundational respect than that though - respect of someone’s humanity and wellbeing

In addition we need to consider how or why we’re approaching the other person with a negative interaction - what position do they hold in a community, an organization, or what do they DO? I think a lot of that fundamental respect is barely existent online and it’s baffling

I’m deliberately trying to be vague for two good reasons - my own safety and that I don’t want to centre any one person here, but here’s a good example of a fundamental lack of respect - women and non-binary folks in games, no matter how senior get VERY little respect from others

Many interactions are very evident of that, from the splaining right through to those who like to play devil’s advocate or talk down to us

Now, it happens to a lot of other people in a lot of other communities too. This is just one simple example of where respect is disappearing

With those three foundations in mind there’s specific behaviours that in my mind are either outright bullying or contribute to the feeling of being bullied

Some happen in semi-public (reply/mention/subtweet), some in private (DM), some broad daylight public (main tweet & QT)

4. Subtweets. I think this one is one of the more powerful forms of bullying on here because it’s deniable, subtle, and everyone does it.

I’m not talking about the odd casual subtweet here and there - those are fine. Everyone needs an outlet. It’s a specific sort :-

The difference when it’s a bullying subtweet rather than just blowing off steam or frustration is that it’s usually punching down and it’ll cross a line from venting to basically an attack without naming the person. It doesn’t make it less bullying because you don’t name them.

Sometimes in tight communities when something has happened publicly and then someone subtweets, then it’s really obvious who they’re talking about even if no names are mentioned. If that person also has a platform? It is potentially inciting harassment!

This last point is key to a lot of bullying - what is the fallout? It ranges from hurting someone’s feelings and psyche to mobilizing others after someone to damaging someone’s career or status with others/in a community and more.

What makes the subtweeting worse is when it’s sustained - maybe it’s a whole ranting thread? Maybe it’s subtweets several days in a row? Maybe it becomes coupled with other behaviours and becomes sustained that way.

Letting something go is a really important tool online.

5. Quote tweeting, screenshots etc. I find this one absolutely abhorrent and it’s a line I won’t stand for, especially when it comes from someone with a platform and many (usually highly passionate and dedicated) followers. It’s a weapon plain and simple.

Sometimes it’s actually a WMD where it will mobilize followers who are all extremely inclined to agree with the person they look up to, admire, or simply like. I don’t even care if you specifically say ‘don’t attack this person’. That won’t matter.

For me when someone says they’re acknowledging that what they’re doing is potentially very damaging to the other person and yet doing it anyway. It’s like a get out of jail free card ‘well, I did my part, I can’t control other people’

Except, when you have a platform you CAN

Tbh I actually usually don’t care if it’s even justified. Even if the other person said something bad. You have to look inward and recognize any power imbalance. I especially find QTing just to air a fight they’re having with someone else damaging, even if it seems justified.

The only exception is to bring awareness to particularly bad behaviour - trolling, actual harassment, poor social behaviour like splaining. It should be educational to not be bullying imo.

I think too often this is used as a guise or justification to this bullying behaviour tho.

6. Tagging others in on fights either in public or private. This extends the reach of the fight, potentially insights harassment and throws it up in the algorithm which almost does the same as the former two behaviours. It also obviously starts to become ganging up on someone

Again, as always, recognize and acknowledge power imbalance

A lot of these behaviours happen in tandem or over a period of days to weeks. People who bully rarely just engage in one behaviour.

7. Weaponizing other people to attack someone. This happens in tandem with all other behaviours, but most often with subtweeting I think

Often in the guise of lifting someone else up, but it’s usually a front - lifting someone else up in order to slyly criticize another party

Again, it’s the sort of behaviour that can make someone feel like they’re the Good Guy and doing the right thing - lifting someone up! (Praising them, their actions, or achievements publicly) but if we do it while tearing someone else down?

What are we REALLY doing it for?

One of the other things we really have to look inward on - are we justifying our bad and harmful behaviour with what feels like a good deed or fighting the good fight? This is a sure sign we’re being a bully

It takes a LOT of self actualization to be this honest with ourselves.

And, look, I’m really not saying any of this is easy. If it was easy we wouldn’t have these problems. It requires a LOT of effort - we have to fight how we’re being socialized by common behaviours around us. All these things are pervasive and common. Lots of other people do it.

In addition to that we have to be brutally honest with ourselves and often face the parts of us we don’t like - our low self esteem, the difficulties and inequalities we face, our untempered anger, the trauma we take out on others, and so much more!

We have to regularly check ourselves before we react. We live in fast paced times where we can just take to the internet & have started a harassment campaign against someone before we’ve even taken a beat to think on what’s happening

We have to reign in our reflective responses.

Once it’s begun it can be even harder to check in, realize and stop. It’s easier to justify our behaviours, especially when we have people on our side, replying, agreeing, backing us up, celebrating our words. This is especially true for those of us with a platform

(More coming)

And THIS is where the bullying gets really intense, and to be frank, scary - especially for people who have much less of a platform, and therefore much less power, clout, or whatever else you want to name it.

Knowing it’s aimed at YOU and there’s all these people in agreement

Usually because all those people are oblivious to the specifics or full story (subtweets) or don’t have the whole picture (QT, screenshot), AND more common - they don’t actually have the expertise/knowledge to weigh in fully, but they look up to and trust the person they follow

When there’s a large power imbalance - often someone with a platform (10’s thousands of followers) and someone on the receiving end (often as low as 50-1000 but also anything less matters) its even more scary, isolating and bullying. The fallout, impact, and trauma is awful.

If the agreeing army DO catch wind of who it is, it gets even worse. Sometimes this is just one or two vocal people who follow everyone involved, or also saw whatever it was in question, or consider themselves friends of the bully - AND/OR also crave the same success/fame/power

That last part is the most dangerous and insidious. I actually have begun to think people who want this most in life don’t even realize how much it colours their behaviour for the worst - how much it drives them and causes them to treat people around them poorly as they clamber.

And this is often where it gets worse, escalated and tends to move to private realms, DMs, emails etc.

Professionalism and respect go totally out of the window because the bully(ies) think no one else is watching. I don’t think it’s conscious though.

That’s key to remember about ALL of these behaviours - very few people set out to be bullies, bad people, or to hurt others. It’s all about what is truly driving them, how that can get in the way of respect, decency, and healthy communication. It’s also about socialization.

The more these behaviours exist the more they’re seen as acceptable/justifiable. Especially if someone feels like there’s a good CAUSE.

I’ve found that makes the bullying even worse - the more we feel we have a good enough reason the more we sit comfortably with our actions

So, to wrap this up - the bullying in private is the harshest. It may not even be the most painful on its own - the public bullying can feel more terrible and scary, especially if the person has a platform

It’s just that often the private bullying comes when we’re already raw.

There’s usually zero respect involved, absolutely no acknowledgement the person on the receiving end is a human being with feelings and reasons of their own.

And one thing I forgot? Entitlement. It’s a big one. Everyone has it. Yes, every. one. of. us. We have to work on it.

It’s another thing we should learn to recognize - do we feel entitled to someone’s energy? Emotional labor? Time? Do we feel entitled to belittle them, dismiss their perspective? Do we feel entitled enough to make demands of them? And so much more.

It’s harder to recognize.

It sort of goes hand in hand with privilege - the more privilege we have (white men for example) the more entitled we feel and behave toward those we’re socialized as being beneath us. BUT, that’s not to say someone with many marginalization isn’t also socialized with entitlement

This is how we get, say, privileged people despite the fact that they’re disabled or gay or whatever - and it often makes it HARDER for them to recognize their privilege and entitlement.

That’s not to say we give bullies a break. The onus should be on THEM to be better.

So, that’s what I want to say in closing. There’s a lot of behaviours I didn’t even touch on, we could go forever.

But what makes me some uppity so and so who thinks they can spout all of this about others?

Don’t throw stones in glass houses and all that. I’ve been an angry online person. I’ve been shitty. I’ve had to go through a lot of growth and work on it, I still do because we’re all a work in progress. I’m grateful to the people who were brave and strong enough to tell me.

Sometimes being edgy and abrasive - guise of ‘honesty’ - is rewarded. Often, actually.

There’s much more power in honesty that is rooted in respect of everyone around you though. There are totally ways to address things and people we don’t agree with, without being a bully.

And finally, there will always be people that sadly, above all else, crave power, fame, success no matter what the cause is - both good and bad. It’s not our job to try and steer them at the expense of our safety. They may never look inward and acknowledge the harm they do -

These are the baby Elon Musks of the world. And, no they don’t need to align with his politics - they could have any alignment, it’s simply the cause and effect of craving power, success, and then as they gain it they become protected by everything building up around them :-

In turn, it divorces them & makes it harder to recognize the things I’ve discussed above. They becomes so separated & desperate for whatever they see as their success (EVEN if for the greater good), they burn those who get in their way or feel like a threat to THEIR piece of pie.

There’s some fundamental issues to the systems that we are entrenched in. Many of them are barriers and reinforcers of poor social behaviour.

It’s up to us to do our best to those around us, to want to be better, to work at it, and remember everyone on the other end is human