12 Years a Software Dev – How it Prepped Me to Help You Reinvent Your Life

A story of how I went from:
- stressed
- resentful
- trying to please everyone

to:
- purposeful
- physically and emotionally fit
- in an upgraded relationship with myself and the world

A thread

I have developed software for over 12 years now.

My creations:
- control robots in Japanese semiconductor factories

- run operations for Italian telecom giants

- do OTC trading in emerging markets

- power decision making of portfolio managers

- and many more...

I've worked with some of the most brilliant minds in the industry.

I've made some great friends.

I have led and been a part of teams with talented
and enthusiastic members

My clients have appreciated me time and again...

My wife Swati (also an S/W dev) and I have a beautiful, mortgage-free home.

A 3-year-old son whom we adore.

A frugal yet comfortable lifestyle

A high savings rate.

An impeccable investment discipline.

A nest egg to fund our lifestyle for the next 8 years...

The picture of a perfect life.

That's what they sell to us right?

Reach every one of these markers and you will be happy.

I should have been happy as a lark.

Except, that I was not...

The work was interesting.

The deadlines and constant pressure were not.

The rush of building something that leaves a mark was great.

But working on projects and technologies that I don't want to

with people I don't want to

yet showing up every day, was exhausting.

And for what?

To increase the standard of living?

Build a financial future?

A good education for my child?

The comfort and security were there.

But I felt that I've invested all my happiness in a long term bond.

And I was not allowed to book profits.

Every day felt dull and meaningless - going through the same motions.

Nothing to look forward to.

Even holidays and festivities had lost their charm.

I felt apathy growing inside me like a disease.

I couldn't care less for anything or anyone.

My time-killers:
- video games
- endless movies
- medieval fantasy books.

Through the movie and book characters, I was:
- living again
- feeling long lost emotions
- going on grand adventures

I was living in a cocoon - a virtual life.

And even that was not the worst part...

My chronic people-pleasing was tearing me apart.

A habit I acquired from being the "problem-free" child in my family.

I was the good, responsible one.

With good behavior, and good grades.

The one that needs no care or attention.

Always ready to rescue others.

I was always trying to cheer others

even while tolerating disrespects and insults.

I hated conflicts and arguments since I was always the mediator.

It drained me down.

I was so tired of always giving, wringing myself up, and getting scraps in return.

I was getting numb.

But the human spirit is not meant to be a doormat.

My facade had cracks

My piled up rage and resentments came out in the privacy of my car.

Holding the steering wheel in my hands, I would sometimes erupt when everything became intolerable.

I would become the rash driver.

Swati and I had a good relationship with healthy boundaries

But she often drew the short end of the stick.

With her, I felt safe to share my anguish and frustrations.

But there was too much of it accumulated

and too few outlets

you can imagine how that went sometimes

I was like the frog

staying within the cooking pot

and getting boiled alive, while the heat rose slowly.

I needed a jolt - an abrupt change to jump out of the pot.

And thankfully, I received my wake up call.

The upheaval came in the summer of 2018.

Swati and I were new parents then, without much of a support system.

We were:
- overworked
- under-rested
- hardly got to any quality time to spend

At this juncture, a huge family drama instigated.

Blames and accusations flew like fireworks.

And when the dust settled...

the mantle of the scapegoat fell upon me.

I bet at this point, that didn't surprise you much, right?

And on top of that

I had an abrupt and bitter fallout with a close friend.

Allegations were all around.

I was not:
- understanding enough
- caring enough
- strong enough

I was giving everyone whatever I had

and yet failed to satisfy anyone.

I was on the verge of a meltdown.

I was reconsidering the values and meaning of my life.

The intense pain was almost visceral.

Everything that I had built was getting torn apart.

I thought I was a failure as a son, a brother, and a friend.

I was sure I was going to fail as a husband and father as well.

I was desperately searching for a way forward.

And thankfully, I found them.

My salvation arrived in the form of 2 books:

"Not Nice" by Dr. Aziz Gazipura
"No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert. E. Glover.

These were, as @tylercowen describes, quake books for me...

"Not Nice" was like a soothing balm on my injuries.

It taught me that I have a right to look out for myself first.

No one can demand anything of me when it doesn't serve my interests.

I still carry the "bill of rights" from the book with me for a quick reference.

"No more Mr. Nice Guy" was a kick to my shins.

It made me realize that I was the one holding myself back.

I was blaming others for how they treated me, but I was the problem.

I allowed them to do that to me.

I didn't have enough self-respect. I was too clingy and needy.

I finally understood that I have a right to ask whatever I need.

I cannot expect others to read my mind.

I took a deep look inwards. 

I was forced to admit that I didn't like what I saw.

I had nothing that I really took pride in.

So I set out to rebuild...

I started running.

I joined violin classes.

I started working out regularly with a personal coach.

I revamped my nutrition routine and my food habits.

I started Resilient Human.

I wrote about what worked for me.

And which roads not to take.

I had no idea how to write online.

My last creative writing efforts were school essays in the 6th grade

It was a steep learning curve for me.

But through some lucky breaks, I was able to build a network around me.

They were my mentors, friends, and inspirations...

I learned the ropes of writing persuasively from @smartbloggerhq

A big shoutout to:
@LongLifeFunLife
@ProjectUntether
@michalkorzonek
@this_is_silvia
@liverealdotcom
@Cathy_H
@sarahlicain

I'm forever indebted to them for their help and support.

And then I found a supportive corner on Money Twitter

Here I've found great inspiration and making some great friends.

This thread itself was inspired by @ImprovementGeek and @dvassallo

Life feels so fulfilling these days.

Everything seems to click in its place.

Today the software developer in me lives on.

I'm still:
- working with corporate clients
- developing solutions for them
- solving their problems

But everything else has changed.

I wake up every morning at 5.15 am (even earlier on some days).

I go through my morning routine:

-10 jumping jacks
- meditation
- journaling

Then I tackle priority tasks for my blog and my audience:

- working on a new article
- creating landing pages
- creating content for my twitter audience
- or learning some more

I follow the P.A.R.A by @fortelabs to organize my work.

My system stores the entire context of my work and retrieves it whenever I need it.

Without this, I wouldn't be able to create content in my shoestring time budget.

Every day, I write one major goal for the next day on a sticky note.

I stick it somewhere I can see the first thing in the morning.

My aim is to tick off that goal before my morning routine ends.

I do this until 7.30 am. Each day. No exceptions.

At 7.30 am, the husband, dad, and the software dev takes over.

That's how I have been able to maintain my growth even within a pandemic.

The routine - it's exhausting.

But it's exhilarating.

I won't have it any other way.

I keep learning about:

- mental health
- self-awareness and acceptance
- emotion management
- and values and meanings to live by

And I write what I learn.

My goal is to give you hope

that even in the mid-30s, all is not lost.

It's never too late to start.

I want you to be able to get back in touch with yourself again.

I believe you deserve respect, happiness, and love.

And I’m determined to carve a way out for you to get them.

So that you, like me, know how it feels to be reborn.

You are a Resilient Human.

So together, let's embark on a journey

to stop being powerless and take control of our lives

Together, let’s make this happen!

The world’s bounties await you... https://www.resilienthuman.me/reinvent-your-life/

Thanks for reading!

If you have any questions, please DM me - they're always open

If you enjoyed the thread, I'd really appreciate if you retweet.

I also write a bi-weekly newsletter that you might like.

Cheers, Subhajit https://www.resilienthuman.me/newsletter/