I am back in work on Monday after finding myself locked down and self isolating for the past 4/5 months. I mentioned before, and in not so many words, that mental health matters.
/1
I have been able to use social media as a crutch. It has helped me to feel part of a larger network, whilst many friends, family and acquaintances were coping during the lockdown and everday pressures of their own.
/2
Besides a few weeks in July, much of my time has been spent reflecting, questioning, and contemplating my life and my accomplishments.
/3
Before those two weeks at the end of July (which took me back to London to complete a film I had worked on last autumn), my last major contract ended in November. I worked three consecutive days before lockdown, so those 4/5 months soon felt like 7 or 8.
/4
I had no source of income, I had just bought a new van in February and everything had gone onto setting that up and paying quarterly taxes. It wasn't until June that I discovered I was able to furlough myself if I suspended my business operations.
/5
I had contemplated if I would get any government support and was reluctant to ask for any more help from family. Although I have savings, accessing them would've come with penalties and pulled the plug on ever getting a mortgage in the next five to ten years.
/6
I am used to the odd dry spell between contracts. I make allowances for that and can put mechanisms in place, as well as knowing when government imposed its restrictions, that we were all in it together.
/7
In recent years, the pressure I find I put myself under has a tendancy to enter darker and more dangerous areas of my mind than I might have encountered previously.
/8
They are clear signs of entering a depressive state and mental health issues as a result of striving so hard to reach what have up to now been unattainable goals, sacrificing my own life and aspirations for work or the benefit of others.
/9
Thankfully, I have learnt to spot signs early enough to prevent further spiralling, and have begun to talk openly with a few very close friends. At first I thought I was coping well. It became harder for me as I saw people adapt to a new life of working from home,
/10
...using their time constructively, completing projects or achieving long held ambitions they had been ignoring. There was no indication of when or if the creative industries would resume.
/11
My next contract would've been the opportunity to purchase new equipment I could've used for personal projects and developing skills. What was the point if there was no industry to return to?
/12
I heard nothing from my previous employers to indicate it would return any time soon, even when conversations were clearly taking place and decisions being finalised behind closed doors.
/13
If there is one thing the film/TV industry needs to learn, it is that we are not disposable, as much as they like to believe we are. If you shut out your whole workforce, you have no workforce. Try getting the job done then.
/14
I am so glad the unions are getting stronger and making sure their voices are heard. I had never understood or considered until now just how valuable they are.
/15
Living alone is tough, even for the most independent of us. People always remark on how great it is/must be/lucky you are to be single, but as you watch your peers put down roots, start families or new careers, get married,...
/16
...buy their first or even second home, and progress through life, it doesn't look so great any more. I know we shouldn't compare, but we are encouraged to do so from such an early age.
/17
Everything we do is in order to mark our success in life- we seek validation from our parents, siblings, friends, teachers, colleagues and bosses. We earn points the more we shop and interest on the savings we make.
/18
It is endless, and undeniable that at some point we all question our worth or what mark we leave. Finding motivation to do anything can be difficult when you have no work or family to encourage and support you through those tough times.
/19
Approaching my fortieth in July was tough, even writing this now, I can not put into words what I went through, evaluating my life and all the missed milestones.
/20
No one tells you how much harder it is to reach out to family, but in my own way I think I gave enough indication things were not healthy and after my birthday life began to take a positive turn.
/21
They have never reached out that way before and I thank them for that from the bottom of my heart. I soon felt able to put any doubts behind me. It came with a few life lessons though.
/22
At the end of May, I had by then been spending countless days indoors, only leaving to go running a few evenings a week. My whole routine had fallen apart, I was suffering from insomnia, dehydration and lack of vital vitamins and nutrients.
/23
I spent a week suffering for the first time from kidney stones. Undiagnosed, I spent five days in various stages of agony. My first night I couldn't get off the bedroom floor.
/24
I passed it off as a bad case of indigestion and stomach cramps, but not after first considering if it was appendicitis or a symptom of the virus.
/25
As it got worse I became reluctant to visit the hospital, finding it difficult to walk even a few yards and out of fear of exposing myself to the virus or putting unnecessary pressure on overworked nurses and doctors.
/26
People were clapping for NHS and carers and I'd be hogging the attention of medical staff. Not until a sharp, emerging pain forced me to seek another opinion. I couldn't register with a local practice.
/27
I had no proof of residency, so I took myself to the nearest urgent treatment centre, to be referred for a follow up the next day and spend 11hrs in hospital waiting for various tests and scans, removing my mask only to take a drink of water.
/28
I saw family face to face last week, for the first time since the middle of March. To see my parents, brother and sister, in-laws, nephew and nieces, removed all the despair I had been smothering myself with.
/29
That, on top of the confirmation of work, has been a huge boost to my self esteem. I don't know how the next year will pan out, but we only get this one life and we shouldn't waste it.
/End

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