I want to talk about #aromantic rep.

As asexuality is inching toward more exposure and conversations are being had about what constitutes good rep in media vs. bad, the conversation about aromanticism is lagging far behind (which is sadly not a surprise).

So let's talk. 1/

Specifically, I want to discuss problematic tropes and misconceptions about aromanticism and arospec people.

For the purposes of saving character count in this thread, I am going to use "aros" as an abbreviation for all arospec (aromantic spectrum) folks from here. 2/

We want to see ourselves represented, but in a way that isn't harmful. BUT like any group, aros aren't a monolith. There is diversity in how we relate to aromanticism. Don't take my word for gospel. It's not the be-all, end-all. Keep doing research. Hire a sensitivity reader. 3/

So, what is aromanticism?

Aromanticism is usually defined as a lack of romantic attraction or romantic attraction that occurs rarely and/or under specific circumstances. I'll get into aromantic spectrum microlabels later in the thread. 4/

Alloromantic is someone who isn't aromantic. Similarly, allosexual is the opposite of asexual (ace). For the purposes of saving characters from here on, I will use the abbreviations alloro & allosex. If I just say allo, I'm referring to someone who is both alloro & allosex. 5/

Aro is often treated as a subset of ace. THIS IS INACCURATE! While there are similarities and they may overlap for individuals, they are two distinct types of orientation (or rather lack/little of). Someone can be alloro ace or aro allosex. 6/

If you haven't heard of Spit-Attraction Model (SAM), do a quick google. Not all arospec or acespec (abbrev aspec) folks uses SAM. Some may only use aro or ace but fall under the definitions of both. Respect the labels they choose to use or NOT use. (And some allos use SAM!) 7/

Aros can be oriented sexually (e.g. homosexual, polysexual), romantically (e.g. demibiromantic, grayomniromantic) if they fit under "attraction is rare/occurs under specific circumstances", or in other ways (e.g. panaesthetic, heteroalterous). 8/ https://aro-neir-o.tumblr.com/post/186984216229

Alright, I think we've got basics out of the way. Time to get our hands dirty and talk problematic aro rep.

First and foremost: nuance is vital. There are some broad strokes that will invariably hurt people you're trying to shine a light on. 9/

If you ask an aro person for a list of problematic pitfalls they see when it comes to aro rep, most if not all of them are going to mention robots, aliens, & other non-human species. It's not that you can't have non-human aro rep, but you need to balance it out w/ human aros. 10/

Be mindful of how the two compare. Does your human aro fall under "very little rom attraction" while your non-human has zero whatsoever? Do they both have important nonromantic relationship? What about emotional depth?

Emotional depth in particular is a place where aros— 11/

—for lack of a better word, get screwed over. We're painted as unfeeling, w/o any important relationships, cold & reserved, etc. If we're aroace, we're prudes. If aro allosex, we're sluts at best & abusive at worst.

This thread comes in the wake of the latter accusation. 12/

If your char doesn't have or want sex and/or rom, why? What is their attitude about sex and/or rom? Are they judgmental? If you're aspec char is judgmental about sex or rom, back up and examine why.

There's a difference between not liking sex or rom personally— 13/

—and dragging one or the other altogether. You can be rom-averse (disliking rom personally) but rom-positive (not judging others for liking/wanting it).

Being rom-positive (or sex-positive) also means respecting those who DON'T like/want it personally! 14/

Guess what! You can have rom-favorable (liking or wanting rom) aros. Just like aces who like/want sex even without sexual attraction, some aros like/want rom even without rom attraction. (Hello! )

There are also aros who balk at being IN a rom relationship but are saps. 15/

Maybe they live and breathe romcoms & mushy fanfic. Maybe they find immense joy in seeing others in happy romantic relationships, especially friends, without any sense of "I want this for me."

Some aros are indifferent or averse or repulsed EXCEPT with a specific partner(s). 16/

(Rom-repulsed is someone who is uncomfortable with or repulsed by romance.)

If you want to write a rom-indiff/averse/repulsed aro, that's fine! But tread carefully. As a rom-fav aro, I get put off by aro rep that *only* recognizes rom-i/a/r aros (even if the author is aro). 17/

How to avoid this? Here are a few suggestions:
- show more than one type of aro on the page (we gravitate to each other!)
- a conversation between characters
- a character researching aromanticism

These aren't the only options, but hopefully they serve as jumping off points. 18/

Say you've got a character that's just plain rom-repulsed. Are they a loner? Stereotype! Are they cold & reserved? Stereotype! Do they neglect their familial and/or platonic relationships? BIG BAD RED FLAG!!!

Some of the most passionate & loving people I know are aro. 19/

There are so many kinds of love. Familial love, platonic love, love for causes, love for art, love for pets. (We all know that person who would bend over backwards for their pets. Maybe you are that person.)

Don't relegate these types of love & passion to the sidelines. 20/

Make nonromantic love as powerful & beautiful as you would romantic love.

In a similar vein, don't belittle, mock, or infantilize acts of intimacy (sexual or nonsexual) where romance is not a factor. Platonic cuddling is great. Don't knock that shit. 21/

You know what else aros can be passionate about?

Sex.

Now in addition to all the other cautions I'm putting out there, there are some that are tied more distinctly to sex-fav/sexually active aros. (Note, a lot of this might also apply to some sex-fav aces and aroaces.) 22/

This should really go for all characters (and people) IMO, but because of the stigma aros in particularly face, the boundaries of nonrom sexual relationships your aro characters have (esp. with alloro characters) need to be clear and consensual. Don't leave room for doubt. 23/

Sex-favorable aros (whether allosex or ace) get painted as predators, abusers, etc. There should be an ongoing discussion of consent and expectations between ANY partners of any orientation, yet responsibility and blame often fall particularly heavy on aspec folks. 24/

In what way is your aro sexually active? Is it with a single partner? Non-monogamy? FWB? Sex work?

Gonna say this now: SWERFs get out. You're not sex-positive if you don't support sex workers.

That being said, an aro sex worker compounds how carefully you need to tread. 25/

This is especially true if your aro sex worker is trans and/or BIPOC. (Stonewall was a riot started by trans WOC sex workers. We respect them in this house.)

If your completely nonromantic aro char is sexually active in any way, PLEASE give them more than that. 26/

Give them strong familial (incl found family!) & platonic relationships. Maybe they're super close with their FWB & the boundaries of their relationship have been explicitly outlined as nonromantic. And it stays that way.

Make their sexual relationships positive & healthy. 27/

You know what else some aros want? Lifelong partners (e.g. platonic, queerplatonic). Some want kids. And some want rom relationships.

So you want to write an aro in a rom relationship. If they fall in the "rare/under specific circumstances" category, make this crystal clear. 28/

The goal is to avoid the misconception that aros can be "fixed" by "the right person." Establish their orientation. If you aren't using modern terms, you may have to have your character(s) openly discuss it. (BTW I strongly believe in using them in second world SFF.) 29/

The same goes for "zero rom attraction" aros.

Maybe they want a romance-coded relationship. How do your alloro characters engage in rom? Why can't your rom-fav aros?

Just like some aces find emotional pleasure in sex, some aros find emotional pleasure in romance. 30/

Let your characters have frank conversations. These don't necessarily have to be drawn out into paragraphs, but they should exist. For example:

"I've never felt romantically attracted to anyone, not even you. I do like you, though, and I like doing romantic things with you." 31/

Super basic example (for zero attraction aros), but I hope you get the idea. However you describe/address it, IMO it should be revisited and reiterated at least once down the road to make it clear they're still aro! Even in a romantic relationship! Avoid "fixing" your aros! 32/

I want to touch briefly on microlabels. I say briefly because there are SO MANY. And that's okay!

If you've heard/read about microlabels for asexuality, you're already ahead of the game. Take those prefixes and smack 'em on "-romantic." Boom. Aro microlabels. 33/

For those unfamiliar with the concept, microlabels are identities that generally exist under an umbrella term. Mind you, not every person who uses a microlabel will use the umbrella term. Someone may be demiromantic but not use the broader aro label. Respect their labels! 34/

You can find a list of microlabels (& other terms) here. HOWEVER, despite it saying "all terms," there's no such thing as a comprehensive list because some people create their own microlabels (valid!) & definitions aren't necessarily finite/universal. 35/ https://www.aromanticism.org/en/all-terms 

Alright, now I'm going to get into some really sensitive waters, and I'm likely to piss off some aspec folks with this one.

Orientations and their relation to neurodivergency and/or trauma. 36/

One of the insults that gets thrown at aspec folks a LOT is that we're mentally ill, neurodivergent, and/or only this way because of past trauma.

First of all, these accusations imply anyone who falls under at least one of these categories is, in some manner, "broken." 37/

Second of all (and here's where I'm going to piss people off), for some queer people—yes, this goes beyond aspec—their queerness is inseparable from their neurodivergency and/or trauma.

That's not bad. What's bad is how these are treated individually, let alone together. 38/

This is where frank discussions are important. Again, this doesn’t have to be a drawn out scene of dialogue or research.

I'm going to share an example from one of my WIPs. Needs some TWs though. 39/

TW discussion of sex & CSA, reference to dead parents

Lee is a sex-fav aroace & CSA survivor. His abuser (Alexander) is referenced. Diego is allo pan. Lee & Diego are best friends & fuck buddies ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

(This WIP is still in the very rough first draft stage, so be nice.) 40/

Now should/can you write aspec characters who are ND? Who have experienced abuse (emotional, sexual, or physical)? Maybe, maybe not. You'll have to step very carefully if you try it.

As I said, this particular opinion is probably going to piss off other aspec & queer people. 41/

But I know for a fact there are aspec folks who hurt when they encounter the blanket statement "aspec people aren't that way because they're ND and/or have been abused" because for them, being aspec is tied to being ND and/or their past abuse/trauma. 42/

What should you do about it if you don't have a character to whom this applies?

Chuck the blanket statements. Focus on the individual. Be intentional with your wording. "That's not true for me" or "that's not why I am this way" vs. "that's not why aspec folks are this way." 43/

Not everything you write needs to be an educational lecture, but you need to be thoughtful about every word you put down when it comes to marginalized groups, *especially* when they're not your own.

(Though honestly, aspec people could be better about blanket statements...) 44/

I wish I didn't have to say this, but I probably do:

Don't ever, ever, EVER make the assumption that these things are related for someone else. Aspec folks may be ND and/or have experienced trauma, and those things may NOT be interconnected for them. 45/

(BTW Lee gets a happy ending. In case anyone was wondering/worried.) 46/

I think that's it? At least for this thread.

If you (an alloro) come out of this with "I know exactly how to write a perfectly unproblematic aro character" then, uh... maybe slow down. I am one voice. I'm sure plenty of aros will find fault with some of what I've said. 47/

Even aros will write aro characters that will upset other aros. (There's a recent aroace book that's ruffled a LOT of feathers, including my own.) There's no such thing as perfectly unproblematic characters because there's no such thing as perfectly unproblematic people. 48/

I hope you will use this as a starting point and ONLY a starting point. Listen to other aro voices. We are not a monolith. Do more research & hire sensitivity readers.

In all things, nuance and complexity are vital for positive rep. 49/

You are always welcome to drop questions or DM me (about aromanticism or asexuality), as long as it's all asked in good faith. 50/50

If you got something useful out of this thread, please consider buying me a coffee https://ko-fi.com/tripleaqueer 

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