So I’m in Birmingham at Al’s after the club (iykyk) and me and my girls are trying to sober up while we wait to order our food. I’m first in line so before I order and pay, this dreadhead walks up and offers to pay for me and my friends food.

At the time I was a recent grad working at Best Buy for like $10/hr while I get my masters so you know I wasn’t about to turn down free food. Coo. Dude swipe his card, I say thanks and try to walk tf away.

You know it couldn’t be that easy.

“Say ma, I can’t get your number?” Blah blah blah.

My LS ain’t no real friend. She over there like “girl give him your number. He hooked us up.” I had just made a deal with the devil to sell my damn phone number for a pulled pork baker.

So I give him my number and hope that he forgets. We finish our girls night and I head back to Atlanta the next day. Well he hits me up a few times and I don’t respond. A few weeks go by and he tries again.

I answer.

I THOUGHT THIS MF WAS SOMEBODY ELSE!

So we get to chatting and I realize he’s not that bad. Like good conversation, seems intelligent and he smokes so I’m like okay. This might be something. Only problem, I don’t remember what he looks like or anything.

So remember we met in Birmingham and my ass lives in Atlanta right? So he offers to drive up one night and take me out. I accept.

I don’t even remember what he looks like so when I got to the bar, he had to approach me. My ass acting like I was happy to see him and shit.

Why? I don’t know. I don’t be wanting to disappoint people or some shit. but we end up having a good ass time and he asks if I want to smoke.

Of course I do. & this MF had that PACK on him. I could smell it in the damn club so you KNOW

We go back to my apt complex and sit in the car and hotbox. Well while there, my roommate calls and asks me to go get soap. So I ask him if he wants to ride with me to cvs down the street thinking nothing of it. We hop in the Cruze and roll out.

We in CVS walking down the aisle and I’m noticing he’s a little wobbly.

In my head I’m like “wtf wrong with this dude?” But ion say none.

So I break away to go down a separate aisle. All of a sudden I hear a crash.

I run down the aisle and he done fell over into a nail polish display. So now I’m sure this MF got to be drunk or something. I help him up and the CVS guy is like because he had just finished the display. I apologized but I wasn’t fixing that shit. CVS pays his ass. Not mine.

So we get to the register so I can pay and y’all he collapses over on the register convulsing, eyes popping out of his head and all. Scariest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. The other CVS worker and me are scared as hell.

Worker to me: GET HIM SOME WATER!

Me: WHAT THE WATER GONE DO?! Where y’all keep the water at?! I don’t work here!!

All the while I’m standing beside a fridge of water.

CVS guy calls ambulance. Date guy finishes his seizure and sits there for a second. He drinks the water. (Guess CVS guy was right.)

So I’m asking if he’s okay and he’s like yeah, that shit happened once before.

Me: ONCE BEFORE?! What do you mean?!!

Him: I mean shit it happened before but I’m fine.

Me: Nigga you are not fine. The ambulance is on the way.

Him: nah I don’t need no ambulance.

Me: yes the hell you do!

So we hear sirens like the ambulance is close.

Him: let’s go.

Me: Nigga we ain’t going no fucking where. You getting your ass in that ambulance.

Him: nah I’m good.

Me: you must be finna walk back because you ain’t getting in my fucking car! I be damned if a mf dies on me!

Him: shawty you tripping

Me: look, give me the green and I’ll come get you from the hospital.

He gives me the green and I slide out the door while the EMTs are walking in. Whole time CVS guy like

So I go home freaked tf out. Man, why this dude call me like an hour later to come pick him up?

Me: what hospital you at?

Him: I told you I ain’t going. I’m in the bushes outside the CVS.

Me: shidddd. You not dying on me mf. Go or get off my damn phone.

I hang up the phone and don’t hear from him anymore. Chile his car sits in our parking lot for like 2-3 weeks. In my mind, I’m like “this nigga dead and I done let him die and somebody gone blame me.”

But at the same time, I didn’t take any initiative to check in or anything.

He texts me like a month later saying he got stuck in Atlanta, somebody had to come get him and that he ended up finding out he was epileptic and out on FMLA.

My reply: I told you some was wrong with yo ass

He ain’t say shit else to me again which I deserve

So dreadhead dude who’s name I can’t remember, thanks for the good weed and I’m glad you didn’t die.

Lesson here: ask a mf they health history before you let them ride in yo car