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I'm really honored by this. And I think it's a great time to talk about how I got here.
Some folks may have noticed I disappeared from the tech world for a period. This is about what happened and how I recovered.
Going to talk about mental health.
https://aws.amazon.com/blogs/aws/announcing-the-newest-aws-heroes-august-2020/
Some folks may have noticed I disappeared from the tech world for a period. This is about what happened and how I recovered.
Going to talk about mental health.
https://aws.amazon.com/blogs/aws/announcing-the-newest-aws-heroes-august-2020/
In particular, going to talk about:
* trauma
* burnout
* depression
* ADHD
* therapy
* medication
* trauma
* burnout
* depression
* ADHD
* therapy
* medication
Two April's ago I went through 2 traumatic experiences at once.
My business failed and my partner of several years left without warning.
Those two things triggered a cascade failure. I had no steady income, my runway was low, and I needed income to sign a new lease in 2 months.
My business failed and my partner of several years left without warning.
Those two things triggered a cascade failure. I had no steady income, my runway was low, and I needed income to sign a new lease in 2 months.
I basically spent the next several months mostly walking around in shock... Which was better than the pain of what happened or anxiety over what could happen.
I barely talked to or saw anyone. I spent most of my time locked in my apartment.
I barely talked to or saw anyone. I spent most of my time locked in my apartment.
A few months later I got the job I have now for which I'm thankful for. That stopped the free fall. But every few months just as I felt I got my footing back, something else happened.
In the fall one of my cats, Nutmeg, who had been my shadow and regular companion for the few years I had her passed away suddenly.
In early March some things lined up for me that felt like a dream come true... Then this pandemic hit and those things went away.
PLUS! One year later I was back locked in my apartment with barely any human contact.
PLUS! One year later I was back locked in my apartment with barely any human contact.
So what have I done for about the past year?
In the fall I started looking for therapy. I had planned on doing that before my partner left to better handle depression and burnout.
The process of finding a therapist sucks. And a good chance had I not been at the low point I was that I would have given up.
The process of finding a therapist sucks. And a good chance had I not been at the low point I was that I would have given up.
Only advice I can give is:
* Your insurance provider's directory is probably wrong
* Call and speak to someone. Don't email, leave a message, or fill out a form.
It took me almost a month to find a provider.
* Your insurance provider's directory is probably wrong
* Call and speak to someone. Don't email, leave a message, or fill out a form.
It took me almost a month to find a provider.
The first thing we tackled was depression. I've dealt with it all my life and for a long time I had gotten really good at regulating it. I knew to adjust my behavior to compensate for how I was feeling.
However job and career burnout disrupted that.
However job and career burnout disrupted that.
At work I'm always trying to prove myself. I'm usually an early adopter of tech and ideas. And it usually means I have to fight for things.
I still have, and on occasion read, a DevOps adoption roadmap from 8 years ago which I later learned was scoffed at when I left the room.
I still have, and on occasion read, a DevOps adoption roadmap from 8 years ago which I later learned was scoffed at when I left the room.
Over time the fighting and regular failures wear you out.
Eventually the lows became deeper, longer, and more frequent while the highs became shallower, shorter, and less frequent.
Eventually the lows became deeper, longer, and more frequent while the highs became shallower, shorter, and less frequent.
For years I was against taking medication because I thought it would "change my personality"...
But medication is FUCKING awesome!
It has made my life so much easier. My personality isn't different, I'm just able to function better more regularly.
But medication is FUCKING awesome!
It has made my life so much easier. My personality isn't different, I'm just able to function better more regularly.
With depression being managed the next thing to tackle was ADHD.
I actually had no clue I might have this until I started seeing more people in the tech world discuss what they encounter. More and more I kept saying to myself, "I resemble that remark!"
I actually had no clue I might have this until I started seeing more people in the tech world discuss what they encounter. More and more I kept saying to myself, "I resemble that remark!"
I spent years unable to explain why I was "lazy" and couldn't do simple tasks. I can't explain to people how paralyzing the thought of making a phone call is.
In school (and still today) I struggled with all the regular writing because I couldn't keep focus.
In my 20s it was like a super power because I could go for hours learning anything without noticing time.
But as I've gotten older it's become more of a problem.
In my 20s it was like a super power because I could go for hours learning anything without noticing time.
But as I've gotten older it's become more of a problem.
First medication did nothing. But a week into the second and I feel some change. I can actually pay attention. I can do mundane or boring tasks.
My brain is usually like someone is constantly randomly changing channels on the TV. It still is... But at least it's a little slower now.
Still further to go but heading in the right direction at least.
Still further to go but heading in the right direction at least.
I would have not have been able to return to being active in the tech world had I not worked on these things for the past 10 or so months.
I also thought this thread would be worthwhile because it was people in the tech world discussing their mental health on here that helped me to open up to taking care of things, being open to medication, and even putting a name to things I didn't understand.
If you're someone who has talked publicly about your mental health on here, there's a chance you influenced me in the right direction. Thank you. I figure this thread is a way for me to pay it forward while I have some attention.
“Thank you for coming to my TED talk...”
(That’s my serious thought leader headshot.
)
(That’s my serious thought leader headshot.
)
