Thread by @JustifyMyLee, My definitive shag ranking of the men of Desperate Housewives. A thread. [...]

My definitive shag ranking of the men of Desperate Housewives. A thread.

I had to limit this because obviously there are loads of male characters in it, but I only wanted to include the main ones. So they're only on this list if they appeared in enough episodes to be a regular cast member.

#29.

Eddie Orlofsky

Deserves his place at the bottom. Big incel energy. Greasy little twat who kisses Lynette's ass, failed to murder Susan, accidentally putting Julie in a coma instead, and strangled several women and not in a 'choke me' way.

#28.

Zach Young

Another one who would definitely be on a watch list. Creepy, awkward little bastard who ends up with more money than sense and tries to shag his dead mum's friend. Clearly did not get his looks from Mike Dilfino.

#27.

George Williams

Not only did he murder Bree's husband because he fancied her, he also had a weird sex mannequin of her at home and is such a terrible pharmacist he accidentally killed himself when he just wanted attention. Another psychopath with no redeeming features.

#26.

Roy Bender

The fact that Roy, who is approximately 120 years old, ranks higher than the previous three speaks volumes. Having said that, him and Mrs McCluskey clearly had a decent sex life, so I reckon he has moves.

#25.

Victor Lang

Desperate Housewives had many ludicrous storylines that required us to suspend our disbelief. However, this fossil being in the same league as Gabby was a stretch too far. Deserved to be impaled by that fence for asking Carrie to piss on him in Sex and the City

#24.

Lee McDermott

One of the main reasons I would not want to have sex with Lee is he is so clearly the bottom in his relationship and I am so not about that vibe. Might go on a date with him and then friendzone him in the aftermath so we can go see Liza.

#23.

Paul Young

Everyone who has sex with Paul kills herself afterwards. Coincidence, I think not? Well... except Edie but that woman is a fucking machine.

#22.

Rex Van De Camp

Pros: Had a good job and a nice house. Into kinky stuff.

Cons: Cries when he ejaculates.

#21.

Orson Hodge

I don't want to diss the man who gave Bree her first orgasm, but Orson frequently showed himself to be a complete prick. He ran over Dilfino, he stole from Bree's friends because her success emasculated him and he kept her in their marriage through blackmail.

#20.

Dave Williams

No disrespect to Neal McDonough who plays Dave but he has murderer's eyes. Having said that, after a couple of glasses of Kylie Rosé I might be willing to have a go on him anyway.

#19.

Ian Hainsworth

Insufferably posh English bloke who Susan uses as a rebound from Mike. Has a literal butler whose rudeness actually made me feel sorry for Susan for the first time ever. Ian definitely flies home to vote Tory in General Elections.

#18.

Nick Bolen

Punching with Angie as it is, then becomes super creepy dad and starts shagging his son's maths tutor. How easily Angie forgives him worries me about their future together. Big dick energy, though.

#17.

Bob Hunter

The hotter of the two Wysteria Gays, but he's not as interesting as he thinks he is and definitely has 'Masc4Masc' on his Grindr profile that Lee doesn't know about.

#16.

Danny Bolen

Danny is such a whiny bitch throughout the one season he features in that it's really hard to find him attractive, despite the fact he is actually very good looking. I did, however, very much enjoy a home movie I watched recently of Beau Mirchoff.

#15.

Andrew Van De Camp

I feel like I'm probably not alone in finding Andrew kinda hot? The romantic in me appreciates his forgiving nature and entrepreneurial spirit. The perv in me remembers that he turned tricks for money when he was homeless so clearly has some skills.

#14.

Ben Faulkner

He is technically a very attractive man, which is why he has been ranked so highly. 100% would smash. Having said that, he made very little impression on me. This is probably because he joined so late in the show, but... meh.

#13.

Adam Mayfair

At the risk of sounding like Missy from Big Mouth, how dreamy is Nathan Fillion, though? Adam was way too good for Katherine. They were married for years, but she later refers to Mike as the love of her life? Please!

#12.

Chuck Vance

In the later seasons, Bree really hits her sexual stride. Chuck the detective is a good match for her until she hides a dead body and he starts to investigate. The dick is so bomb she still keeps shagging him for months.

#11.

Carlos Solis

Super passionate and fiery. Would want you to greet him when he arrived home from work wearing nothing but an edible thong. I like how his character softens as the series develops, but I bet he still saves some of that spice for the bedroom.

#10.

Matthew Applewhite

You could write an essay about how shit and also, in hindsight, incredibly racist the Applewhite storyline was, but Matthew was fiiiiiine and I understood totally why Danielle would want to hide him under her bed.

#9.

Jackson Braddock

I have some very formative sexual memories linked to Queer as Folk (both UK and US) so the fact that Gale Harold was in that probably gives him a boost. A beautiful male specimen who Susan drops like a cold bag of sick when he gets deported to Canada.

#8.

Austin McCann

I don't think we talk enough about how Julie Mayer was the real slut of the lane. Another notch in Julie her bedpost, Austin is impossibly handsome, a bit of a bad boy and has lovely tits.

#7.

Justin

A potentially controversial placement here. However, as a teenager I made a wallpaper on photoshop of him and John Rowland both mowing Gaby's lawn shirtless so again formative sexual memories are coming into play again.

#6.

Karl Mayer

The sexual energy this man exudes. The number of women in the same street that he managed to have relationships with. The flip-flopping between Susan and Edie he managed to accomplish. You know he is totally filthy.

#5.

Porter and Preston Scavo

Literally cannot tell the difference so couldn't possibly rank separately. Homosexuals around the world rejoiced when they grew ten years in a five year time jump. That slag Julie got her little talons into one of them as well.

#4.

Tom Scavo

Speaking of hot gingers... Ok. Tom definitely has his faults but he is so handsome! And a lovely dad! And he is packing as confirmed by Lynette in a conversation with Susan! And he looked lovely in that little thong.

#3.

Mike Delfino

DILFino, like Karl, hit up several of the Wysteria Lane ladies, but for some reason always kept going back to Susan. I feel Mike would be a sensitive but skilled-lover and build up to an intense climax. And afterwards he could fix your leaky taps.

#2.

Keith Watson

Did you forget about this absolute god? Because if you did, shame on you. His pheromones are so powerful that Bree thinks he's wearing strong aftershave. Partial to a vest, even at dinner. Such a good lay that Bree doesn't even mind.

#1.

John Rowland

Could it be anyone else? Favourite of mid-naughties girl group members and sexually repressed homosexual teens everywhere, John spent more time on screen shirtless than he did with a shirt on. Thick as two short planks, but he probably is down below too.

I dedicate this thread to @BaxVelocity who is probably the only person who will enjoy it as much as me.

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