TW: Abuse
I've been seeing lots of harmful rhetoric surrounding abuse on my TL lately. Some of it appears to result from thoughtlessness and callousness, and some of it appears to be well-intentioned but horrifically-executed support of victims. Here's a thread of reminders.

1. It is entirely inappropriate and unproductive to suggest that perpetrators of abuse deserve to be abused, i.e., to "get what's coming to them." This implies that someone could deserve to be abused, a line of argument that contributes to victim-blaming and silencing.

Additionally, it reinforces the "perfect victim" narrative in which only abuse victims who are perceived as "good" or "pure" are seen as deserving of justice. This societal judgement of worthiness further victimizes and demonizes marginalized victims of abuse.

2. Verbal and emotional abuse are not "lesser" forms of abuse. Relatedly, please stop trying to compare one person's abuse to another's. "At least you didn't experience X, I know someone who (fill in the blank)" is a deeply dehumanizing and cruel thing to say to a victim.

3. Watch your language, and be sensitive towards individual preferences. Applied example: While I am personally okay with the word "survivor," many others are not because those who do not survive deserve to be honored, and because surviving abuse is an ongoing process.

4. Learn from your mistakes. If a victim tells you that something you said or did was harmful, do not jump to justifications or defenses based on your "good intentions." That kind of behavior is exhausting. Honest self-reflection is key.

5. Do not project your ideas of justice or healing onto victims. Victims are not a monolith and have different ideas on what justice and healing look like. Especially do not attempt to convince a victim that their versions of justice and healing are "wrong: and yours are "right."

For example, a friend of mine told me that she hoped my abuser would "rot in jail forever." As someone who believes that jails further perpetuate abuse, victimization, harm, and violence and fail to address problems, this was very hurtful.

6. Platitudes are not harmless! In particular, "Abuse does not define you" and "This experience made you stronger" are bad things to say unless the victim has explicitly told you that they find these statements affirming or healing. I will explain why in the next tweet.

"Abuse does not define you" takes away the agency of victims to define themselves. Speaking from my own experience, I often interpret this statement as someone centering their comfort over the voices of victims by indirectly minimizing the impact of abuse.

"This experience made you stronger" also removes the agency of the victim to define their own experience, de-centers victim voices, and perpetuates the harmful claim that abuse "builds character," which is often used to shame victims for not being "resilient enough."

6. Remember what I said earlier in this thread about self-reflection? Here's an important question to ask yourself: Am I curious or concerned? When asking someone about their abuse, or when reading articles or statements on social media regarding abuse, check your reasons.

Speaking from my own experience, it's been incredibly hurtful for me to realize that certain people only cared about my abuse because it fulfilled their curiosity or suited their agenda. Abuse is not "tea," and our stories are not your entertainment.

People come forward for many reasons and goals, including transparency, accountability, justice, and a need to be heard. Take those reasons to heart and listen to victims in order to understand and to help, not to be entertained.