Fuck it. It’s time for back to back Twilight: Breaking Dawn part 1 & 2

I am having a terrible TERRIBLE period so the uterine body horror of this weirdly appeals to me right now

Also I love this Volturi guy he’s hysterical

I’m already bored.

Okay murder wedding dream sequence w pile of corpses. Back in.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but don’t marry your first boyfriend

Okay I do simp for the dress though

Jacob is howling not bc the girl he loves just got married but bc she’s gonna get weird cold d

Also I don’t know who needs to hear this but virginity is a construct

IT’S HAPPENING THE BED IS BREAKING

Meh it’s a few bruises

Okay now the honeymoon looks fun. She’s using her super husband to jump off waterfalls. This is the exact bullshit I would do with a vampire boyfriend.

How many times have these housekeepers rebuilt that bed. I mean it’s a vampire fuck island.

This movie won’t show foreplay but I did get to see a good cup of vomit come out of Bella

OH MY GOD HER PREGNANT STOMACH IS SO GROSS I FORGOT IT WAS A BRUISE BALL

I’m gonna need everyone to stop treating Leah like Meg Griffin

Bella just told Edward she’s cool w dying and he’s having his first reasonable reaction of the film series

I need to stop watching extended editions my mind is waaaaaaaaandering

RENESMEE

So the baby just broke her spine and both knee caps? Is this labor?

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THE SOUND EFFECTS ITS JUST WET MEAT AND SPLINTERED BONE

CGI DEMON BEHBEH!

Okay onto Part 2. Really wish I could drink but I have so much ibuprofen in me my liver would probably combust.

BUT I GET TO SEE LEE PACE SOON

Oh shit she’s gonna eat Free Solo!

WHOEVER DECIDED THIS CGI BABY WAS OKAY SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED NEAR CINEMA AGAIN

I love aggro vampire Bella so much

Oh god the interior design of this forest cottage is hot trash. Who allowed this? I thought Alice had taste.

Bella tops

LOL the vampires are making her twitch and blink a lot bc that’s what the old Bella did

I hate this fucking baby. I have no funny takes. I hate this baby.

At least I get to see one baby thrown into a fire

STAN SENNA AND ZAFRINA SAPPHIC RAINFOREST VAMPIRES

LOL they keep making Lee Pace say these one liners about being a Revolutionary War soldier. “I hated the first British Invasion.” Kill me.

OMG HE IS STILL WEARING A LONG COLONIAL VEST

I do not care for Jacob watching Renesmee open Christmas presents

LEE PACE JUST SAID THE RED COATS ARE COMING

I found it very moving that Emmett walked forward w Jacob as part of Renesmee’s himbo retinue

Michael Sheen I love you

CARLISLE HEAD

I hate when the wolves get hurt they make puppy sounds!!!!!

Rami Malek opened up the earth for no good reason. It’s making things worse for the good vampires. Oh Rami.

Love Edward throwing his wife at Michael Sheen. WIVES ARE WEAPONS.

I totally forgot about the very sexy half human half vampire guy Alice found

This goddamn meadow

In conclusion, these movies are a trip. They should be weirder than they are. They are weird but not weird enough. The first one is the best bc it’s the only one that got the female gaze right.

I leave you with this