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can& #39;t understand how Ive never felt more secure with my love of myself and also what I deserve and yet have never felt like more of a disappointment to my family for saying how it is on certain things. or that I& #39;m being a pessimist. or a know it all. I& #39;m constantly on edge
because I can& #39;t talk about how I& #39;m feeling because it finds a way to piss off SOMEONE in my family. if I talk about how I& #39;m unhappy in my circumstance, I& #39;m being too negative. I& #39;ve spent all my life being the one to be positive. all of it. but being honest isnt even about
being negative? they& #39;re not mutually exclusive things but that doesn& #39;t mean I& #39;m being a pessimist. this probably isn& #39;t the correct place to share this but it& #39;s also MY twitter and I& #39;m an adult. I& #39;m tired of censoring myself in any capacity for the world.
you know what? being positive all the time about everything fucking SUCKS. it does. not everything is positive. it& #39;s not. I& #39;m not going to pretend it is. not everything has a silver lining. but I& #39;m not saying the world is doomed because one thing in my life purely sucks.
I& #39;ve gone through all sorts of shit one way or another in life. I& #39;ve always found a way to keep going and I always will but that doesn& #39;t mean I can& #39;t just say "hey this is garbage and is making me feel like garbage." and you know what?
this year has been garbage. it has. every month has had one kick down or the other. yeah it& #39;s for sure had positives but forgive me for being sick of being knocked down at every turn. and just the lack of understanding of my position in life right now...
so frustrating. this is gonna be a mega long thread but I don& #39;t care!!! if I wanna talk about my feelings I& #39;m going to! this year I spent my first ever birthday alone without my brother and it fucking sucked. 20 birthdays with someone and suddenly you& #39;re not.
on the year it& #39;s supposed to be this wonderful party time I was without my brother and I got way too drunk because I was sad and wound up legit just crying on the ground in the shower. that& #39;s not fun to share with anyone? how am I supposed to tell
anyone how much that hurt? yeah it& #39;s not the end of my world and it won& #39;t be the end of anything but it was brutal and awful. but most people don& #39;t have a twin so most people don& #39;t understand what that is like. I get that. but compassion is not hard
and while I have such a caring and strong amazing family, I also don& #39;t know how to share my true feelings quite honestly???? like somehow every true feeling I have gets twisted into how I am harboring some great resentment towards my family or someone in my family
and that& #39;s an extreme cause of stress. I made a post about something involving my family and I had to apologize to 4 separate people. granted, yeah it was not a great thing for them to read... it was like I received no understanding or empathy on what I took to get me to the
place to share that. might even happen with this post. probably will. but it& #39;s incredibly painful sharing how I truly feel and then being told that all I& #39;m doing is bringing everyone down, or not being Maloree anymore. is that who I am?
someone who has to hide most of my truest feelings besides to a select group of friends? maybe I don& #39;t wanna be that maloree. maybe I don& #39;t feel like being the bigger person. why do I have to be the bigger person about things that are already hurting me
Im at a place now where I don& #39;t even know what I can say about my feelings that DON& #39;T EVEN INVOLVE ANYONE AROUND ME to anyone around me without wondering if they& #39;re going to express how much they hate that I feel one way or another. or that I need to be happier
cause I& #39;m not going to starve or be homeless. but I express my feelings and I& #39;m met with so much... discontent... so much anger directed at me. if I& #39;m honest about my feelings and how I view the situation, I& #39;m a know it all. but if I don& #39;t tell the people
around me how I& #39;m feeling, then suddenly they& #39;re the ones being thrown for a loop and that it& #39;s not fair for them because I have a short fuse. but I& #39;m not sure I& #39;m being understood anyways. every thought I have right now I& #39;m having to
think about if I can even share it because it& #39;s going to upset someone. can& #39;t say I& #39;m tired of being talked to like I& #39;ve got no life experience because then I& #39;m a know it all. can& #39;t say I& #39;m tired of not being heard because it& #39;s me being hostile somehow
can& #39;t say I don& #39;t wanna talk about things because then Im bottling everything in. can& #39;t say that I& #39;m really fucking upset with life right now and feel like whatever i do I& #39;m disappointing someone because obviously that& #39;s not true.
but then I& #39;m also told to suck it up. or that there& #39;s no reason to have a panic attack. or to not complain because at least there& #39;s this one positive, even if mentally I& #39;m on the verge of a breakdown at almost all times.
but I can& #39;t say that to my family right now. because no matter what I do, it somehow hurts them.
I was taught to be the bigger person by everyone around me though, so I guess if my thoughts are only hurting me and not my family, thats okay.
I was taught to be the bigger person by everyone around me though, so I guess if my thoughts are only hurting me and not my family, thats okay.
even that comment could be twisted into how I& #39;m making it all about me or making things worse. or that I& #39;m being dramatic.
idk how I haven& #39;t been extended some more like thoughts of the boat I& #39;m in. I don& #39;t know what I& #39;m even allowed to say.
idk how I haven& #39;t been extended some more like thoughts of the boat I& #39;m in. I don& #39;t know what I& #39;m even allowed to say.
every single thing I just said, I can find a counter that my family would say to me and has said to me. they would read this thread and then get upset with me because I& #39;m being unreasonable. and that causes me more anxiety.
