It's the morning after the night before and I fancy a quick run-down of who should stay and who should go at FC Barcelona. I'm breaking them down into five self-explanatory categories:

1. Must stay
2. Should stay
3. Meh.
4. Should Go.
5. Must Go.

Something that I should specify: 'Must Go' is no holds barred. The players should be told they have no future and the club will accept any offers (including frees). If they refuse to move, they should be told they will not under any circumstances be registered with the squad.

So their choice is to get paid and trash their career with a year of sitting in the stands (I wouldn't even give them that. I'd refuse them admission to the stadium and bar them from training), or fuck off and take their massive wages elsewhere. Their choice.

First up, the Must Stays:

Ter Stegen: Must stay. Not as incredible this season as in others (mostly due to some wayward passing, rather than his actual goalkeeping), but one of the best in the world and has many years of top performances ahead.

Pique: Must stay. For all his slow starts to seasons, he remains comfortably the best defender at the club. Should stay and also be the true captain, helping to transition away from this absolute mess.

De Jong: Must stay. I shouldn't need to explain this. He's young, already excellent and will become one of the best in the world. You'd have to be a fucking idiot to want him to go.

Riqui Puig: Must stay. Same as De Jong (though not as far along the road, due to having less experience). Incredible talent and future leader of the midfield. Starting him as a first choice next season should be a mandatory requirement for the next coach.

Ansu Fati: Must stay. Already very good and our second best forward after Messi. Drink that in, guys. Our second best forward is a child. Jesus fucking Christ, what a mess this club is.

And we're out of Must Stays...

Messi: Should stay. That's right, Messi isn't a 'must stay'. That's not because of his performances, but rather because rebuilding this squad will involve taking away his comfort zone and getting rid of some of his friends.

If he's prepared to stand for that then he obviously must stay, but I have my doubts that he is.

Lenglet: Should stay. Not what people think he is. People were racing to yank his dick after the Napoli game, but don't be fooled. He's a fair weather player and a reactive defender in a side that needs to be playing proactive defence. Still worth keeping, but not as first choice

Busquets: Should stay. Massively, massively declined. Still a solid performer when we're strong, but when we're under pressure his lack of mobility absolutely kills us. His role should be akin to that of 2014/15 Xavi. Must not be first choice ever again.

Todibo: Should stay. Didn't amaze at Schalke, no matter how often some fanboys on here will tell you otherwise. Should stay though, because he has serious potential, isn't expensive and can learn from Pique. Worth taking some chances on, especially given the state of the squad.

We're now down to the Meh category, where it could go either way, depending on the offer.

Note how few were in the stay categories.

Griezmann: Meh. People are keen to gloss other the fact that he made a very good start to the season, contributing a lot to the team at both ends of the pitch. Declined drastically thanks to being frozen out of the central position and was treated abominably by both coaches.

Doesn't really fit in a team with Messi and if someone offered us 80m for him I'd take it, but he deserves far more respect than he's getting.

Semedo: Meh. Don't get me wrong, he was exposed yesterday and isn't much good going forward, but there aren't many exceptional right backs out there. Find one (or receive a strong cash offer) and I'm cool with him going, otherwise stick. Just barely.

Spoiler alert: No-one is going to make a strong cash offer after yesterday, so we probably won't be selling.

Araujo: Meh. At best he'll become a solid reserve defender. Inexpensive and not bad. Keep to round out the squad, or loan out for experience.

And we're now into the Go categories. That's right, at least half the squad should be told to fuck off...

Alba: Should go. Being able to pick out Messi every once in a while is no compensation for being a flaky, temperamental, easily rattled liability in defence, who cries in the dressing room. Cut the cord.

Sergi Roberto: Should go. Almost made it into 'Meh', just because he's versatile and is rarely outright bad. Classic 6/10 player. However, while he's okay in a bunch of positions, he isn't Champions League level in any one of them. Someone will pay for him.

Rafinha: Should go. Has talent, but cannot be relied upon due to his awful fitness issues. If he could remain fit, he'd definitely be a keeper, but that will never be the case.

Coutinho: Should go. Was always a bad fit, but I'm a little more on the fence here, just because I'm really looking to get rid of almost our entire midfield and forward line. A respectable offer and I'd let him go, but no loans or other such crap.

Dembele: Should go. I was really excited to see him join, but his fitness issues mean that he has been an abject waste of money. Also, his Incredible Exploding Hamstrings mean that he cannot be relied upon to press and we cannot carry that with both him and Messi in the same team

We're now into the most populous category of all: Must Go. These are the turds that just won't flush, so it's time to get the plunger out. Hold your nose and let's get to work.

Neto: Must go. Was only signed as a part of the board's accountancy fraud scheme. Not worth 8m, but we paid 26m. For all the time he ever plays, we could easily pick up any number of cheap backup options. Cut the losses.

Umtiti: Must go. A sad end for a man who looked set to become one of the club's greats. His knees are dead and he refuses to accept surgery. High earner who cannot ever be relied upon to play at an acceptable level (if he's even fit). Out.

Firpo: Must go. Another waste of money. We should take what we can for him now, because the more time we spend with him shitting the bed on the pitch, the lower his value will drop. Send him to some Premier League club, even on loan. Everton seem to like buying our crap.

Vidal: Must go. Has the most desire to press and win of anyone at the club. Nowhere near good enough though and getting old. Completely fucks up our possession game and is only needed because so many of our other midfielders are shit at pressing. Get rid.

Rakitic: Must go. An empty shirt now and a strong contender for the title of Worst Midfielder at the Club. Should have gone two seasons ago (at least).

Braithwaite: Must go. Likeable guy, but a completely pointless signing that didn't improve us at all and actually got his old club relegated. Some Premiership club will give us that 20m back, so we should take it.

Suarez: Must go. What more needs to be said? The Turd of Turds. He's a high earning catastrophe whose awful touches, lack of pace and shitty passing kills at least half of our attacks. Should have been sold years ago. We will never be able to perform with him up front.

Who would have thought on that balmy summer evening in 2015 that the signing who fired us to our most recent treble would turn into a nightmare figure who would drag us further and further backward every year since?

I don't think I've forgotten anybody, but to be honest there are very few players who deserve to be remembered after the catastrophe of this season.

Setien out.
Board out.
Most of the squad out.

Otherwise be prepared for more of the same for another season.

A big factor here is actually that 'How will Messi react to his friends being flushed'. If he sucks it up, stays and leads the club forward then everything remains as I described it. If instead he throws a temper tantrum and wants to leave though, certain players get a promotion.

Thinking specifically of the likes of Griezmann and Coutinho, because in a Messi-less squad they suddenly become really viable options. Obviously I'd rather he stays, but it would be foolish to buy into the 'Barcelona have no future beyond Messi' bollocks.

Lev spotted my accidental omission:

Alena: Should stay. Hasn't amazed so far in his career, but he has potential and offers a really good profile for us (late runner from midfield into the box). Worth giving a season in the first team rotation. https://twitter.com/Barsalev/status/1294541208795205632?s=20

As for the left back situation, honestly the options are so poor for us in both full back positions (with no really convincing signings available) that yes, I'd really give three at the back some serious consideration. Especially with a De Jong and Pjanic pair in front of them.