tw // suicide thoughts

for the past few weeks, i& #39;ve been thinking of taking my own life because i felt useless and unworthy and last night, i was already thinking of getting a knife and slit my wrists but i shrugged the thought away and tried myself to sleep. ++

even though i had suicidal thoughts still i managed to sleep peacefully. and today my mom keeps on telling me how useless i am because im in the lower section. she keeps on telling me that i should be ashamed of myself because my friends went to a higher section ++

while im still stuck in the lower section. she keep telling me that instead of supporting bts, i should be studying my ass out so i could be someone she would& #39;ve been proud of. and again, i thought of taking my life again. and i thought maybe if im dead, will something change? ++

will my mom stop comparing me to others and see my worth now? will she stop telling me im useless everytime i fail her? will she recognize me as her daughter now? i keep on having these thoughts and my heart is feeling heavy. i want to scream and cry but i cant. ++

but then i thought of listening to music because music somehow eases my pain. i tried listening to music but i was still feeling anxious. and magic shop was being played on my phone. i just stared the ceiling for some time. digesting the meaning of the lyrics and yup i cried ++

now im still having suicidal thoughts but it& #39;s not that worse anymore. thankful for @BTS_twt for creating such a comforting music. thank you for saving me again. i& #39;ll never get tired of supporting you. i& #39;m in this bangtan sonyeondan sht for life https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="✋🏼" title="Erhobene Hand (mittelheller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Erhobene Hand (mittelheller Hautton)">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😔" title="Nachdenkliches Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Nachdenkliches Gesicht">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="💜" title="Violettes Herz" aria-label="Emoji: Violettes Herz">

i know some of you will ignore or won& #39;t notice this thread but hey ya girl still striving and struggling to live https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤧" title="Niesendes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Niesendes Gesicht">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="✊🏼" title="Erhobene Faust (mittelheller Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: Erhobene Faust (mittelheller Hautton)"> im having suicidal thoughts and anxiety but im proud of myself because even though my mom won& #39;t notice my efforts still i can say i did a great job :)) ++

as long as im not losing myself, im okay with it :))