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Well it& #39;s really late and I can& #39;t sleep, so, this is something quite personal, and I have been carefully thinking about whether to share this, but I think it& #39;s important to really highlight how the way the BSB has treated us has been detrimental to our mental health.
It is no secret that I have fought cancer 4 times, and won against all odds, nor is it a secret that I am disabled as a result. I try to be open about this because I am working on being proud of the person I have become, instead of dwelling on the past and the person I used to be
As I am disabled, the organisation of these exams has been incredibly appalling and stressful. Being initially told I could not have my reasonable adjustments at all, having to work with my colleagues on fighting for getting our reasonable adjustments, the time and energy it -
cost me which should have gone to revising, the uncertainty, then having to opt for a test center within 24 hours without knowing how my adjustments would be met there (all of them weren& #39;t), the booking chaos... Eventually, it has impacted me, even if I wish that it hadn& #39;t.
In my group of friends, I& #39;m the strong one. The one who always speaks up. Hell, those who know me know I& #39;ll stand up to anyone and I really do not fear anything. I don& #39;t get aggrieved by things over which others usually do.
I have had to go through so much, really you could never even get close to imagine it, you ought to be trying really hard to finally get to me. And the BSB did, eventually, get to me.
A month ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I& #39;ve always been insomniac, but I had reached a point where I couldn& #39;t sleep at all, for days and days, throwing up out of exhaustion all day long. I was constantly on alert. Ready for something to happen, always.
Flashbacks of the incredibly painful moments I& #39;ve gone through became far more frequent and intense. There is a stigma that comes with mental health issues and so I know this would be easier left unsaid. But I have PTSD as a result of the agressive treatments I have received.
However, it has only been diagnosed now because the symptoms really escalated since early June. They became more and more unbearable, as, regarding the exams, I had to be put in an incredibly stressful time of uncertainty, with absolutely no control over the situation, and -
feeling that what was done to me was truly unfair and I couldn& #39;t escape it, I felt cursed. The feeling was too familiar, and even though we are & #39;only& #39; talking exams here (the most important ones in our lives still), not cancer, it really triggered something in me.
The way the BSB has treated my cohort is appalling and has really tangibly damaged our health. For me, this is how it manifested. This is the impact it has had on my mental health:
I have become incredibly irritable, my heart is always racing at at least 120bpm, I feel physically sick for no reason several times a day, I have vivid nightmares when I do sleep. I didn& #39;t even tell my partner or friends about this.
I had been suspecting PTSD for about a year now, because I would have flashbacks and symptoms every now and then, from time to time. I was going to seek treatment once I had the time to, after the BPTC. I didn& #39;t need to have my situation aggravated like this.
I get up 8 or 10 times at night to check that everything is alright because I can just feel that something is wrong. There& #39;s nothing wrong of course. That never happened prior to my regulator subjecting me to such an upsetting and discriminatory treatment.
And for this, for this direct attack on my health and the health of so many of my colleagues, I want reparation. I want every demand made by SABER, of which I am a proud member, to be met.
And I want the person responsible for the vivid flashbacks I now get multiple times a day, to apologize and resign. I never want anyone else in the future to be harmed like I and many others have been.
Thank you for reading, those who know me know I am strong, witty, outspoken, and absolutely hate being vulnerable more than anything in the world. This thread has been written and re written a dozen times. But I finally decided that it was too important to be left unsaid.
I also feel much more comfortable saying this in the middle of the night when virtually no one is still awake. I hope this will not be badly received tomorrow and you can understand the rationale behind my decision to speak up. I also hope this won& #39;t damage me in the future.