it's important to dream, even if reaching for your dreams ends in failure

I'm certain they have vape phones but apparently "vape" is one of the words (like "mask") which is marked as "DON'T LET THE AMERICANS BUY ANY OF THIS SHIT" so trying to search it fails.

That's cute. It's styled after a retro radio, but it's a bluetooth speaker.

TINY PHONE TINY PHONE

oh yeah that's good phone

ahh, a pig's foot plush pillow

why

Do you want all the flexibility of a bench test mounting kid but without any of the usefulness, combined with the lack of protection compared to standard PC cases?
Then get a rail mount vertical PC uncase!

Do you need to spray pepsi everywhere?
Sure, we all do!

sadly they don't supply the pepsi. you have to buy it separately

do you need to training dog or banish dog?

look if you have all these animals hanging out together on your lawn, it's not your lawn anymore, they're clearly doing something with it.

anti-cat spikes! terrible. I'd be surprised to discover these actually work

need to keep your money in a binder? well now you can!

BTW I'm just following suggestions. this is what aliexpress thinks I want.
like a dual-channel temperature controller!

which makes sense because I need to raise chickens and keep my wine cool

fluffy cat beds! this almost makes up for the anti-cat spikes.
almost.

and cat bananas.
they work on dogs too, apparently

for some reason one of the suggestions from that one is a shrimp peeler

egg incubator, which is compatible with all these sizes of eggs

they said "usb charging fish" and I clicked it to find out what that was about and, well, it's about this.

STAY BACK, ROBOT! TAKE THE ORBS IF YOU MUST, BUT COME ANY CLOSER AND I'LL SHOOT!

you know what they say:
always count your chickens.

yep. that's what they say.

free to send packets spermaduct.
CONTINUOUS INSEMINATION GUN

egg aprons! I'm gonna wear these and just collect shiny rocks

oh hey, an electric cow goat sheep milking machine! I've been looking for one of these because I keep getting zapped when I try to milk my electric cow goat by hand

I don't like how this related page is mostly milking and incubating and then there's some kind of massage heat lamp

are you massaging them, or incubating/milking them?

these work by shooting lasers at the spine of the invisible skeleton man

magnetic cupping devices! This is like regular cupping, but with Extra Bullshit from magnets.
It can be used to trait Parkinsonism, polio, hepatitis B, bronchitis, and diabetes! (according to the ad)

electronic HONEY KNIFE. make sure your beehive is right next to an outlet.

they have a bee feeding device and guess what's back? PEPSI BOTTLES!

massage/electrostim device, or musical synth? you decide!

I was gonna make a joke about this being listed as a "full body bee-keeping suit", but...

the next link was this one which is a top-half-no-gloves beekeeping suit

Tired of sharpening? You don't have to be.

Do you need to keep your unrealistically tiny shiba inu in the back of your immaculate SUV? sure, we all do

this was literally suggested under that top one, and I spent a minute looking at it like "what the fuck, how does that work? what does it do?"

OH GOD NO

the bad photoshopping of the stock images is one of my favorite things about these

spot the odd one out here

oh god I'm having flowcharting flashbacks
programming 101, no!

I wonder if it keeps showing me BDSM stuff because some of these pet restraint devices are being perverted by kinksters?

They demo it with a plush toy, which is 50% cute and 50% weird

put your phone number on your keychain! interesting idea.

the photoshopping of this thumbnail gives some really inaccurate ideas aobut scale.

at least, I hope inaccurate?

you were a hunter, but the ducks you hunted... were in your heart all this time?

SPIRIT BEAST LED TURN SIGNALS

for when your spirit beast is turning?

I love finding devices I didn't know existed and don't know why they exist
it's a honey refractometer!

I hope this is from the beekeeping section of the suggestions and not the sex toys.
I really hope

oooh, a queen marking tube!
they don't say specifically for bees, so it probably works on Liz-2.

if you ever need to fight beekeepers (and who doesn't have to, from time to time?) watch out, they've got special tools for beekeeping punching

mouth... exercisers?

huh.

guess what product this graph goes with?

it's a kneading leg massage device!

BEARD SADDENER

now where did I leave my knee vibrators?

this is a vacuum thermal body messager but I'm pretty sure if her skin looks like this afterwards, you're doing it wrong

ahh yes, a neck massager.
1. I can't be sure this isn't a kink thing
2. is there any part of the body that can't be vibrated for massage reasons?

ARE YOU READY TO FACE THE GOM JABBAR?

Someone said "eyes" as an example of what you might not vibrator for massage reasons, but GUESS WHAT WAS LINKED FROM THAT LAST ONE?
yep, eye massagers.

Also the Gom Jabbar one has separate modes for male and female hands.

I'm not sure what happens if a non-binary person tries to use it. Presumably they become the Kwisatz Haderach

brush your baby's teeth while training them to bite fingers. it's win-win!

for some reason a lot of the massagers show them being used by couples.
"there's nothing I love to do with my husband more than dress in inverted colors and sit on the floor next to his Foot Machine"

INTELLIGENT STRETCHING, with your partner.

This one is creepy. Very creepy.
Even before you read the title and they call it a "cervix stretcher"

It's also USB, because WHY NOT?

more foot massage couples

wait, who is with who? is this a poly footrest machine?

nothing makes me sleepier than having my forearm shoved in a robot

they helpfully provided a GIF showing how this device is supposed to be used, but... I don't get it.

ahh, now I see, you just... wait, no. I don't.

There's a trend for a lot of these high-tech sex toys to look more like they're designed to destroy penises than to pleasure them.
is this a BDSM thing?

uhhhhh

The cow judges your portable sheep goat milker

shark costume for your bearded dragon, anyone?
(this was suggested off the beard saddener, because "beard")

is this intended for people who want to cosplay a patient in the medbay on the enterprise?

have you ever wanted to turn your body below your neck into a cartoon? but NOT your hands?

this portable sauna thing h as special Leg Holes for when you want to sauna-ify your evil clone whilst kicking them

anti-aging creepy mask

I AM ACTIVATED

ahh yes, the anti-aging welding mask

reduce wrinkles and whiten skin with the ChinZapper

CONVERSION IN PROGRESS

slim your face by turning into a luchador bodyslamming anyone who mocks your face

ahh yes, the nose... shaper.

it vibrates, of course.

always take selfies while wearing your Face Vibrator.

it's always slightly creepy when they demo them using dolls

need to massage the area under your eyes? of course not.
but now you can!

this is just a sci-fi prop, admit it

it's full of little pokey bits that vibrate.

"I love you, evil glowing mask"
"I LOVE YOU TOO, SALLY. NOW PUT ME ON. COMPLETE THE CONTRACT. AND YOUR ENEMIES WILL BE NO MORE..."

did you specifically choose the colors of this chin mask thing to make it look like you were wearing underpants on your head?

this one is supposedly for face-lifting reasons, but the way they demonstrate it makes me think it's supposed to be BDSMy. Otherwise why is it being worn by a gagged naked woman?

definitely not draining someone's power into your face

good to see that it looks creepy on the buyers too

I kinda want to buy that one for one reason:
it uses USB to connect the face and neck mask parts to the main controller.
Now... do you think they're really USB? or are they doing something terrible like just running god-knows-how-many volts over a USB connector?

the flying mask will scan your face and adapt to match, before it consumes you.

ahh yes, the mannequin head tripod mount, for when you need a head floating in your house

ahhhhh

AHHHHH

the council is meeting to decide your fate

tighten your skin while you are judged by the floating 3D head of Zaxtar

have you ever needed to massage the cellulite of the forearm of a tiny woman? well now you can!

ahh, a double chin removal massager. this one is funny because they show you how it works...

it's just a spring inside.
I don't know how that is supposed to help with double chins

a dental mirror!
that's definitely how reflections work

naughty chickens get put in the EGG CAROUSEL

cat gloves! warning: cats probably won't like this, judging by this cat's face

UNRULY CATS WILL BE VAPORIZED BY THE PUNISHMENT OBELISK

uhhhh? I'm not sure if this is supposed to be fun for the dog

for some reason one of the suggested things off that was some glowing LED antlers

you'll never be alone again, rex. I'll always be with you. always.

does "poultry water nipples!" sound like a minced oath to anyone else?

portable dog vacuum. I like when they demonstrate it and it's clear the animal is not a fan

PARROT BACKPACK!

get into the BURNING SLEEPING BAG loser, we're doing sous vide

I take it the model couldn't make it today?

portable oxygen carry bag. Who hasn't wanted to breathe in a pillow?

Oh this one is hilarious. It's an anti-tinnitus machine.
First, the main part goes on your wrists, because the wrist is important to how your ears work

and then you put EARBUDS WITH LASERS IN THEM in your ears

they also make a version with nasal lasers, for... reasons.

no

I'm sure this is helpful in some way

medical device, or torture device?

speaking of which, a nail corrector. AHH

FIRE ALL LASERS DIRECTLY INTO THE KNEE

have you ever worried that your fingers aren't creepy enough?

this one was listed as being for "saunas" but I have questions

FINGER SQUISHER 9000

this one claims to be a sex toy

amusingly it goes right from those to things like this, which are restaurant pagers
well, they both vibrate, so... yeah. I guess?

the how to use comic shows them talking about it which is weird
I always say "TAKE MEALS" and "HAVE A MEAL" before doing it

a bunch of good times to master your fetal health

this is supposedly for head massages but those ANALOG HANDS are kinda creepy looking

ABSORBING THE ENTIRE INTERNET AT ONCE

I bet if he takes the headset off, she isn't there.

they seem to do a lot of photoshoots for people wearing silly helmets

hang on, gotta pump up my face

it's like air jordans, but for your face

NO

the recomendation engine is so weird.
Like, this is an infrared sensor. it's used for things like detecting when people enter a building, or movement of a robot arm.
What's it related to?
BALLGAGS

WHAT THE FUCK DOES "TULS" MEAN?

I clicked off that one to a recommended one: his and hers matching pajamas.

which raises a lot of questions about how they are used together

and yeah, the recommendations on these pajamas, both in the "from the seller" and the general algorithmic sections?
either more pajamas, or fetish gear.

BE QUIET, AIRPLANE

remember:
1. you can enjoy it in the bathroom
2. you can enjoy it in the living room
3. you can enjoy it in the bedroom

this sounds like an excerpt from the NSFW version of green eggs and ham

love to drink wine while my friend reads a magazine and kicks me in the side and someone fires lasers at us from a remote they can't exactly hold

the new season of doctor who looks terrible

this tattooing thing seems to come with a disembodied arm

insert twin peaks reference here

SHOOT RAYS INTO YOUR STRAWBERRY NOSE

uhhh... I'm not sure I want to know where this goes

oh.
oh okay.

OK I THINK I'M GONNA STOP HERE

if you want more of this (AS IF THIS THREAD WASN'T LONG ENOUGH) check out the threads linked in my "virtual thrifting" thread: https://twitter.com/Foone/status/1246527772534525952

and if you enjoyed this, consider sending me a dollar or two on Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/fooneturing 

or setting up a donation on patreon: https://www.patreon.com/foone 

so I can buy some of this weird, weird shit.