Sooooooo... one of the things that I’m pretty embarrassed about this past weekend was my thinking and saying that I struggle with talking to and having any sort of connection with women...

And it didn’t dawn on me until Monday that I had actually spoken with nobody _but_ women all day Saturday... lots of them... and most of them reaching out to _me_...

I’m not sure I can just say that it’s all due to trauma and lack of emotional intimacy over the course of my life...

I think I have a lot of internalized transphobia that I keep thinking isn’t transphobia but part of a necessary image to maintain and project to others to illustrate humility and “realness”...

And I think it’s actually been harming me and my ability to build friendships... because I make false assumptions of people which hurts them not me... and ultimately because I think others start _believing_ what I’m saying about myself...

It’s really really hard for me to know what is that happy medium between full disclosure of anxieties and self-loathing, and pretending I’ve Got It All Together...

It’s not unlike how I approach job interviews, which I also suck at: I don’t like saying that I know and sufficiently understand X unless I have a Ph.D in X... and so I have probably sold myself short for... well... probably the past 25 years...

I dunno... I still don’t know how to “market” myself. I still tend to think I’m the worst lesbian trans engineer in San Francisco... but I now realize how much that thinking is really harming me... like _really_ bad...

*starts crying*

I need to stop thinking these things, especially in light of this past weekend. I’m not protecting myself, nor am I protecting anyone else; I’m protecting my brain weasels...

And I need to start believing that maybe... just maybe... I’m doing a lot better than I think I am...