I've always been grateful for the people who were transparent on social media about their struggles, because some of those people have been exactly what I needed at different times in my life. So, I'm updating on the status of me.

Let's start easy: Aside from struggling to find a job that doesn't make me feel like crap, Kris and I are in a position where we know we won't be living where we are in the next 90 days, but we also haven't found a new place to live.

I know we can't be the only people who have ever been in this position, but our building requires 60 day notice, and everything else only requires 30 days, so no one knows what's available for October yet! Great!!! I'm constantly thinking about this.

Next: the short backstory for context is that my mother was very emotionally abusive and tormented me, gaslight me, withheld food, and abused drugs and alcohol. She left when I was 12. About 2ish years ago, I thought we were on the road to having an amicable relationship.

what I've found out is that she's been supplying my sister-in-law (now ex) with drugs.

It's a fucking mess, there are custody issues with my nephews and niece, and I've completely removed myself from my mother's life again.

It feels like such a bait and switch, to have put the time and energy into thinking she was better or different, only to realize nothing's changed. My heart hurts for my brother and for his kids. There's a lot more to this but it's not my story to tell and I'll leave it at that.

Most of you know that I've been struggling with my health and I'm happy to report that the anti-inflammatory drugs and the IUD have helped so many things. Things not related to my body type or weight at all.

I mentioned my mother because her brand of abuse has led to the most unhealthy relationship with food you could possibly imagine. When people turn to substance abuse you go to rehab and take away the substance. You can't take away food, and my weight has only gone up.

What I've managed to convince myself of (and am trying to unlearn) is that I'm not someone anyone would want to be around. Who wants to hang out with someone who can't casually browse a store? My knees and legs constantly hurt. No one wants to be around the slowly waddling person

I've taught myself to hate activities that I know I would enjoy. My entire family thinks I hate the lake; I'd love to lay out on the shore and get some sun, but getting down on the ground means struggling to get back up again. Who wants to admit that though? So, I hate the lake.

I keep a barrier between myself and people I meet online because God forbid I get to a point where someone sees all of me and their opinion changes. Fat is so closely tied to lazy, unclean, and gluttonous and that's how I'm always afraid people will see me. An easy meme target.

I've taken steps to go forward with bariatric surgery because I need to get to a place where I can move my body again. I don't care about being thin, I just want my body to stop hurting. I want to be able to sleep through the night again. I need help with a jump start.

Disappearing from social media is because all of this feels like something I've done to myself and therefore I shouldn't mention it. No one can say that I didn't do this to myself. I've been having a hard time doing anything other than obsessing about myself as a failure.

I haven't been able to be here because there was no more space for it. I had no energy to try and explain and apologize - something I probably don't need to do, but here I am anyway.

I've been following a few different body-positive Instagrams and such, but I realized none of those people are my size. I don't have anywhere to go for support and cute outfit of the day inspo because it doesn't exist.

My extremely good luck is that because of this fandom, I have someone who's been where I'm at now, and I never would have known that without saying something. Without this person's advice and Kris' support, I don't know that I would have a plan going forward.

My hope is that by putting all of this out there, maybe I'm doing for someone what others have done for me. I have never hated my body the way my anxiety works more than I do currently, but I know I'll get to a better place again.

Thank you for being here, all of you. I shouldn't have ghosted or assumed what any of you would think. It wasn't fair of me. I'm messy as fuck, but I'm still here, and I'm glad you are, too. I'm wading back in

I'm so grateful to the people who reached out. It was a good reminder that people here truly care about one another