ranking every keanu reeves movie i’ve seen based on how hot he is in it and nothing else: a thread

i’ve seen 38 keanu movies since quarantine began. he is hot in everything because he is hot, but this is my personal opinion.

38. toy story 4. he is a cartoon here? i cannot ethnically say that he is hot in this movie.

37. keanu. this is only ranked above toy story 4 because cats are cute.

36. freaked. he’s like part dog, so??? unethical again.

35. the bad batch. idk man, the mustache just weirds me out a lil.

34. between two ferns: the movie. he looks good here but the beard is a lil straggly.

33. always be my maybe. the glasses don’t really do it for me tbh.

32. i love you to death. i don’t know what i need to say about this.

31. one step away. he looks great in this movie but he also looks very young.

30. the lake house. yeah he looks good here, whatever. i’m bitter that this movie made me cry.

29. john wick 2. i know he kinda looks the same in every john wick movie but idk. he seems different here.

28. john wick 3. see last tweet.

27. the last time i committed s*icide. hot.

26. young again. he looks pretty young here too, which i guess is appropriate for this movie.

25. dracula. yeah he looks good. but the sideburns are not my thing tbh. also the accent.

24. the brotherhood of justice. this is where we start getting into “super hot” territory.

23. under the influence. this movie is very low quality but from what i can tell, he’s hot.

22. babes in toyland. honestly still not sure if this movie is real or if it was just a fever dream i had.

21. the night before. hot!

20. parenthood. i honestly kinda dig the stupid haircut.

19. destination wedding. this is the keanu we all know and love.

18. john wick. idk what it is but yeah he’s hot in this movie.

17. chain reaction. honestly idk why i ranked this so high up. but yeah, the scarf kinda does it for me

16. 47 ronin. the HAIR.

15. johnny mnemonic. dumb movie but yeah. hot! but also the hair kinda weird me out in this one.

14. the prince of pennsylvania. another dumb haircut, but we’ve already established that i’m into that.

13. dangerous liaisons. he had a small part in this film but he looked good playing it.

12. the matrix: reloaded. neo is hot, and i think it’s usually the sunglasses.

11. the matrix: revolutions. again, neo is hot.

10. something’s gotta give. hot doctor keanu?? yes please.

9. constantine. okay, he looks SO GOOD IN THIS MOVIE. and listen up: my mans was 40 YEARS OLD HERE. god.

8. the matrix. see tweet 11.

7. speed. he looked good, he saved a bus full of people, and he got the girl? superhero. (speed 2 is a joke and does not exist in my world)

6. the devil’s advocate. honestly, he looks so GOOD here it hurts, but i also think the accent he does in this movie makes him even hotter. idk why.

5. bill and ted’s excellent adventure. i would die for ted “theodore” logan and that is a FACT.

4. point break. an fbi agent who surfs to catch bad guys but actually ends up liking it?? sounds hot to me.

3. my own private idaho. his character is a jerk tbh, but he’s a hot jerk.

2. bill and ted’s bogus journey. i think it’s the hair, but i personally think that he’s even hotter in this one than the first one.

and finally, 1. river’s edge. this is the hottest keanu and i don’t care what anyone else says. the hair, the jacket, the attitude, EVERYTHING.

okay thank you all for coming to my presentation of “every keanu reeves movie i’ve seen ranked by how hot he is in it and nothing else”. nobody appreciates me on twitter so nobody will see this. but thank you.

((also this thread is a complete joke (well maybe not COMPLETELY). i do not know mr. reeves but from what i have heard he is a very nice guy and he is not just a hot man. i hope he has a nice day))