Five months ago today, my mom passed away. I still can't hear her voice in my head, its completely gone. I can hear what it sounded like on her voicemail, those specific words, but not conversing with me. I miss her so much but there's conflict in that.

Mom wouldn't make it in this COVID world. Wearing a mask, mostly confined to her assisted living facility, social distancing with her family and friends who sort of stuck around. I know she'd call me every night to complain, forgetting that I asked her to please don't do that.

She passed within a few days of life as we know it changing. I got to spend hours with her saying goodbye and within a week of that hospitals were shut down to "outsiders". I have that time and I'm grateful but it makes me feel 0% better about the loss I suffered.

And because the whole really has gone to hell, I can't touch, separate, and deal with those emotions. Its wrapped up in the depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, loneliness, rage, and at least 10 other issues I have to press down b/c my "essential" ass has to work everyday.

But I don't want this thread to become about that. It's about my mom. The woman who gave birth to me. The woman I spent 42 years trying to get to love me. The woman I sacrificed too much for so that she would. It's a long story, a lot of which has been told here over the years.

I miss her terribly. Knowing someone is in a better place, free of the pain and shittiness they faced daily on earth does nothing to fill the gaping wound of pain inside you. Everything hurts, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and you can't reach the pain.

There are multiple walls in front of it, and not the usual walls but the special 2020 walls: coronavirus, racism, politics, that fuckin circus peanut squatting in the White House, essential working, the Depression, job loss, all the things that alone could send you spiraling.

Then you drop in the last ingredient of family death and the pot can't hold, so it spills the hot contents everywhere, racing toward you like lava off a mountain. How do you get to safety? Is there safety? Or is there just chocolate chip cookies, a good cry, and tomorrow?