Thread by @SirBobLichfield, Dear Jack, I wrote but you still ain't callinI left my mobile, [...]

Dear Jack, I wrote but you still ain't callin
I left my mobile, Twitter, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two DMs back in January, saying are you staying with Villa or not eh?

There probably was a problem with the servers or somethin
Sometimes I write DMs too sloppy when it’s Jota
But anyways; f*ck it, what's been up? Man United, na I think you’re better.

My girlfriend's pregnant, don’t tell my wife, I'm bout to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what I'm a call her?
I'm a name her Grealish
I read about the England squad too I'm sorry
I had a friend kill himself over some coach who didn't want him

I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I even like the Instagram shit you do with McGinn
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man
I like the shit you did with Mingsy too, that shit was phat

Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
Just to chat, truly yours, the biggest knob
This is Bob

Dear Jack, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad - I just think it's F*CKED UP you don't answer fans

If you didn't wanna stay at my club you should’ve said
You don’t have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew
That's my little brother man, he's 36 years old
We waited in the players’ car park for you,
Four hours and you just said, "No”

That's pretty shitty man - you're like his f*ckin idol
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than Sidwell
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein lied to

Remember when we met at that signing - you said if I'd write you
You would write back - see I'm just like you in a way
Folks never knew I’m not a diver neither;
They called me cheat at school when I beat them

I can relate to what you're say in interviews
So when I have a shitty game, I win free kicks and put 'em in
Cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I'm depressed
I even got a tattoo of your face across the chest

Sometimes I try and cut my kidney to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me
See every game you play is great, and I respect you cause you kill it
McGinn is jealous cause I talk about you 24/7

But he don't know you like I know you Jack no one does
He don't know what it was like for talents like us growin up
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Bob - P.S.
We should be together too

Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,
This'll be the last package I ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you gonna sign for Man U;
My club isn’t good enough for you? I think it’s perfect

So this is my DM I'm sending you, I hope you read it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the M6
Hey Jack, I bought a Man United top, you dare me to burn it?
You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night"

About that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning
But didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda kept me supporting Villa
Now it's too late - We ain’t been good since 82, I'm drowsy

And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped ALL of your pictures off the wall
I love you Jack, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you break your leg and are shit at United

And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't dribble without us
See Jack; [*screaming*] Shut up Ole! I'm tryin to talk!
Hey Jack, that's Ole Gunnar Solskjaer screamin in the boot

But I didn't slit his throat, I just tied him up, see I ain't like you
Cause if he watches our League Cup win he’ll suffer more, and then he’ll cry too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now

Oh shit, I forgot, how'm I supposed to send this shit out?
[car tires squeal] [CRASH]
... [brief silence]... [LOUD splash]

Dear Bob, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said your girlfriend's pregnant now, I won’t tell your wife, is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that
And here's an autograph for your brother,
I wrote it on Mings’ England cap

I'm sorry I didn't see you in the car park, I musta missed you
Don't think I’m joining Man U intentionally just to diss you
But what's this shit you said about you’re gonna support them too?
I say that shit just clownin dogg,
C'mon - I might not even join Man U.

You got some issues Bob, I think you need a diet man
To stop your ass from bouncing fans out of their seats when you’re in the Holte End
And what's this shit about us meant to be together?
That type of shit'll make me not want us to meet each other

I really think you and the Villa need each other
Or maybe we just need some signings who are better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
Before you support Man U, I think that you'll be doin just fine

If you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you but Bob
Why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as a fan
I just don't want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick

Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge
And had Ole Gunnar Solskjaer in the boot, and he had a contract ready for me
And in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was... it was you
Damn!

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