Therapist: What do we say to our loved ones as they get to know us better?

Client: You’re in the jungle, baby, you’re gonna die.

Therapist: No.

Therapist: What do we say when someone makes us feel vulnerable?

Client: “Go suck-start a chainsaw”.

Therapist: No.

Client: This is my therapy porcupine. He’s practice for when I get in a relationship.

Therapist: But it’s impossible for you to get close to him without pain.

Client: [sobbing] That’s my type.

Therapist: And what do we do when we see this many red flags in a new partner?

Client: Wear green so we accessorize together.

Therapist: No.

Therapist: And what do we say when we realize we have feelings for someone?

Client: Come, o sweet meteor of death, and cleanse this wretched earth.

Therapist: No.

Therapist: “If you want to continue feeding your addiction, you’ll need to fight for it.”

Client: “You mean I need to assess the cost in my life and decide if what I’ll give up for it?”

Therapist, donning a helm: “No.”

Therapist: What should you do when someone insults you?

Client: I congratulate them on being an excellent judge of character.

Therapist: No.

Couples therapist: What was your last fight about?

Wife: He got drunk and called me fat.

Therapist: Is that true?

Husband: I guess it must be. After all, an elephant never forgets.

Therapist, writing: Savage.

Therapist: What do we say when we’ve made an honest mistake?

Client: Oh no, who started this mysterious gasoline fire

Therapist: No.

Therapist: What’s a subtle way to let someone know they’ve crossed a social boundary?

Client: You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, bitch.

Therapist: Yes, but on a t-shirt.

Therapist: What are some fun activities you can do to relieve stress?

Client: The universal drinking game. You take a shot whenever you’re not happy.

Therapist: Hold on, let me buy some stock.

Therapist: What was your test score?

Client: An 85. Whoa, that’s like a B, right? I passed! Wow, is this what success feels like? This feels great!

Therapist: That’s a depression test. You need to come with me.

Therapist: I like to foster open communication with my clients and maintain the feeling that we’re equals in this office.

Client: Sounds good. So how long will this treatment take?

Therapist: I’ll ask the questions here.

Therapist: You’re on a first date and the other person says they want to know what you do for a living. What do you say?

Client: So there I am, surrounded by orphans clinging to me as the chemical fire rages all around us.

Therapist: No.

Therapist: What do we say when someone hurts our feelings?

Client: Nothing a ritual dismemberment can’t fix.

Therapist: No.

Therapist: What do we say when someone says they want to be in a relationship with us?

Client: Welcome to the feces festival.

Therapist: I’m using that.

Therapist: What do you say when your wife asks to talk about what you’re feeling?

Client: You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.

Therapist: No.

Therapist: When you experience a severe anxiety episode, what’s the best thing you can say to yourself?

Client, singing: Take me down to the trauma city where the grasses scream and we love self pity.

Therapist: No.

Therapist: Next time you experience self-esteem problems about your weight, what do you tell yourself?

Female client: At least I make the rockin’ world go round.

Therapist: *guitar riff*

Therapist: What do we do when someone tells us they want to get to know us better?

Client: Curiosity killed the cat, but I’ve got far darker plans for you.

Therapist: No.

Client: I need a letter.

Therapist: Okay.

Client: For my new emotional support broadsword.

Therapist: This is why I got my license.

Therapist: “You’re almost done with therapy so it’s time we discuss your fear of snakes.”

Patient: “But I don’t have a fear of snakes.”

Therapist, donning a snake costume: “Not yet.”