Thread by @DisabledTimes, Why I believe I am autistic | A ThreadI had my assessment [...]

Why I believe I am autistic | A Thread

I had my assessment yesterday and I was informed that I have traits, but am not autistic. This does not feel right to me and I want to discuss this.

I still self diagnose as autistic and strongly believe the NHS needs to be updated. 1/

As a child, I used to like wearing clothes which cover my stomach, had an unnatural (robotic) laugh and always missed cues by a few seconds when I realised I was supposed to laugh. There are videos of this.

I have always had sensory issues and have never liked supermarkets. /2

According to the assessor, sensory issues are not part of the assessment. So I'll move on.

I was bullied a lot at school for being deaf, being different and not understanding social cues. I've always been pedantic and had a need for everything to be accurate. /3

I was the kid who reminded the teacher about the homework, I worked hard at school and I couldn't understand why people would mess around in lessons. I didn't understand 'banter' until I was in my mid-teens. I had my first real friend group at the age of 11. /4

They were boys and were also social outcasts. I moved school and lost touch. I didn't make friends at the new school until I was 15. I would frequently fall out with people over arguments about justice, women's rights and feminism. It was my special interest. /5

As a teen, I would frequently cry about the 'popular' kids not being my friend and being lonely. I knew I was different and not just because I am deaf, but because I got on with adults better, because I was more 'serious' and because I was a lot more intense than they were. /6

I was always compliant, good at school, I wanted everyone to like me. I read copious amounts of books, I practised general small talk, I took notes of others' interests and what they thought was important. I studied everyone's behaviours. I learnt to pass as 'normal' /7

I then went to university where the rules don't apply. I had several massive breakdowns because I didn't know how to behave, how to pass and how to make friends. People I thought were friends were using me, people I didn't think were friends were there for me. /8

I had to relearn coping mechanisms, I had to work out who I wanted to be, and then I worked out my scripting for that person. My hyperfocus and special interests meant I lead student groups and campaigns around women's rights and disability inclusion. I made friends this way /9

During this time I was hypersexual and slept around a lot. I wanted connection but didn't know how to get it other than through sex. I also bought lots of slime, soft blankets and colouring books. I found that stimming helped keep me calm /10

I met other high masking autistics, went to autistic pride, went to other events for autistic's 'to support my friends'. This is when I started to suspect I was autistic too. My friends didn't have the stereotypical presentation and neither did I. We had the same struggles /11

and I found it a lot easier to communicate with them than with my NT friends. I then spent a LONG time researching autistic presentation in women, and identified with a lot of it. I spoke to my family, and my mother and brother said they thought I might be autistic /12

esp because of my meltdowns and because of my reaction to plans changing, routines being disrupted and people not behaving how I expect them to. When I was very distressed I would find a corner and rock. But they didn't tell me or do anything because of my possible reaction /13

I spent a good year thinking I was a narcissist and that I was toxic because of my panic attacks and meltdowns. I was told I was manipulative, attention seeking and really mentally unwell. The GP said it was just anxiety and depression and gave me meds. /14

I asked to be referred to the mental health team who told me that I needed to just carry on with the medication and refused to see me or assess me. I had to research everything and try and work out what was wrong with me and I firmly believe I am autistic. /15

A diagnosis would give me some protection in the workplace, would give me some support in medical situations, would help if I had to speak to the police (in theory) but all these situations are dangerous for me without a diagnosis and will be dangerous with one. /16

I was finally on my way to validation for both the autism and my other disabilities, yet this was completely eradicated by the psychologist who assessed me. Apparently because I mask too well and have friends and can communicate, I cannot be autistic. /17

Unfortunately, she didn't take any of the above into account and didn't realise that perhaps my communication with her was rehearsed. Apparently I don't stim (even though I do, but I don't always notice). And the above is all due to my cPTSD. /18

Our healthcare system is so outdated and everyone is so reluctant to help because a diagnosis would cost them money if I wanted support. I shouldn't have to become an expert in autism to be diagnosed. I shouldn't have to fight for everything. /19

I have been supported well by the autistic community and I am proud even if I cannot be diagnosed to have been welcomed.

Any self dx autistic's - I see you and you're valid.

/END

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