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What I wouldn't give to have 2006-2007 taken away from me...
What big sucks is I can't help but blame myself. I really argued my mom down about letting me stay in Chicago to live with my dad. I wouldn't let it go. And a month later, literally everything went to shit.
And it was such an awful situation for me that I got into the habit of sleeping until everyone else went to bed, then getting up and going about my day. And I'm constantly being reminded that my brother did all the work to take care of our younger siblings.
And me, to an extent. Like. He wouldn't eat because our stepmom wouldn't cook enough food for all of us to eat, just so I could have something to eat when I woke up. Or to make sure our younger siblings were well fed. Like. I ignore the guilt, but it's there.
And I shouldn't feel this way about any of this because it's not MY fault my dad is a bad parent. It's not MY fault he preyed on the children in the youth group he led. It's not my fault he routinely neglected us because his wife was more important than his kids.
It's not my fault his wife was such a bitter, grudge-holding woman that she just.... wouldn't make enough food to feed us all. And she- like. Okay. I'm sure I've shared this before.
But to summarize: I was told I was getting my own room when we moved, then I suddenly wasn't. And I was bummed about it. But both she and my dad blew it way out of proportion (in different ways). His wife really opened her mouth to say "I just feel like my kids aren't wanted."
Like... you fuckin dookiebrain. Literally the ONLY good thing about the family is your kids. I fucking adore those children. I was full-blown hype about every. single. one. WHILE YOU WERE PREGNANT WITH THEM. And they never not once got on my nerves. NOT ONCE.
If anything, I wish I could have ONLY interacted with the kids. But I digress.
It's not my fault my dad and his wife were boneheaded idiots as parents.
It's not my fault my dad and his wife were boneheaded idiots as parents.
I shouldn't feel guilty or blame myself for my god-awful parent emotionally manipulating me into fighting my mom to live with god-awful parents. But I do. And I wish I could just let that go. But here I am. Still holding on to it.
I really don't know how. But I'm going to get free of this, once and for all. That year REALLY fucked me up pretty much on every level. This thread isn't even 2% of the shit that happened and the ways it still affects me to this day.
