I've never watched Transformers: The Last Knight, and for some reason I've decided to watch it now, at midnight... I'm going to be live-tweeting it in this thread.

I guess I like testing my sanity

Why did no one tell me this is how medieval warfare worked??? Flaming spikeballs? Rad.

Wait is this a transformers movie or a bud light commercial

Ah, the magic staff. Have I found the classic Transformers macguffin for this movie?

I think it's hilarious how Optimus Prime made it to like, Saturn, before freezing in space. Like what was his plan? Did he just not know space was cold?

John Tuturro is one of my favorite things about these horrible movies

The editing and dialogue is painfully bad so far

OH MY GOD THIS EDITING IS GIVING ME THE WORST WHIPLASH WHATTTT

When did Bumblebee become the goddamn Iron Man 3 suit?

Why does a Transformer need brass knuckles???

I need to know who Megatron's plastic (metal?) surgeon is. Completely changed his look like 5 times, amazing

For someone who is the leader of the good guys, Optimus is really quick to pull a sword on someone he just met

Poor Anthony Hopkins...

Ah yes, nothing warrants epic, dramatic music more than a good game of polo

Found the token Hot Female Sidekick

As someone who just visited the Badlands, I can attest to the fact that there is in fact not a salvage yard full of cars there.

Movie is far too long to be spending this long on a robot t-rex "chewed the homework" garbage

This frenetic, horrible editing is making me think the original cut was like,,, 3.5 hours long

It's starting to seem like they had a personal challenge to never use the same lens, camera, or angle twice

How does a Transformer cigarette even work? It's literally just a bullet casing, why does it glow?

This Suicide Squad style intro to the bad guys is jarring af

So we're not gonna talk about how Kade Yaeger (or however you say it) forced that little girl to sleep in a car? When he had a trailer?

That classic Mark Wahlberg "HEY!"

"We're the good guys, so when we're under attack let's move from a remote location with no civilians to a town with civilian presence that's practically guaranteed to cause collateral damage. Because we're the good guys."

Why did anyone approve these racist stereotype robots? Geez

Ah yes, being chased by government drones, deff the time to make healthcare jokes

There is some blatantly bad voice dubbing in this

In a better movie, I would love this steampunk automaton character

Earth being named Unicron is hilarious. Like I understand you're pulling from English fairy tales but really??

It turns out if you cut from one shot to another, you don't have to explain HOW ON EARTH THAT JUST HAPPENED

Okay I'm actually totally game for Transformers transforming into old tanks

You want to know don't you DUUUUUDE

Why are we giving so much exposition to things that don't matter AT ALLLLLLL

Finding out that Shia LeBeouf is related to Merlin took me for a trip

The timeline of Transformers is so freaking confusing. In the first movie, they all came to Earth in like 2010. Now they're saying Bumblebee fought Nazis

So I am a little confused as to why this professional scholarly woman is wearing such a low cut dress as to reveal her lacy bra. Like I get she's the Hot Female Sidekick but really?

How convenient for this film that the last surviving member of Merlin's lineage is a super model

Wow, she changed clothes in like 15 seconds

Ah nice, another explanation for Stonehenge. This time a random marker for the centerpoint of some horns? For planet Earth? To get sucked dry? By another planet?

Again. Poor, poor Anthony Hopkins

Why have shots that give context to WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING when you could have sHaKy DoLlY sHoT Of EpIcNeSs

Now that I'm (good God only!!!!!!) 1.5 hours into this, I am certain that this movie is supposed to be at least 4 hours long

I'm not an expert of British geography but I feel like there should be more than 5 seconds between the River Thames and the white cliffs of Moor

This section is literally just a commercial for the US Navy submarine service

Why did they just devote 5 separate shots to a robot beating up a fish?

There is no room to breathe in this movie at all

This movie is giving me a lot more submarine stuff than I expected

This forced relationship between Male Lead Character Who Is Admired By All Despite Zero Redeeming Characteristics and Hot Female Sidekickis painfulllll

Dang, Shia LeBoeuf's granddaddy hasn't aged well

For a task force specifically created to kill Transformers, they're really bad at killing Transformers

Why they gotta give Optimus such cheesy lines?? "I've come for dat staff", the incredibly catchy "I will kill you", and "who dares to challenge me"

Optimus getting b***** slapped by a nuclear submarine is hilarious

"I am Nemesis Prime! You are nothing!"
Also, why the heck is this random HUMAN trying to climb on top of a homicidal robot like that's gonna work out??

The classic slow marion "noooo" shot while Optimus gets beat up

Actually burst out laughing at Mark Wahlberg stopping a Transformer with his little robot sword

Oop here comes the inspirational Optimus speech

I like how Stonehenge, the most archeologically studied place on Earth, has some robot horns right below the surface that no one noticed

"I will lead the way into her chamber." Yes you will Optimus, yes you will

One last time, poor, poor, poor Anthony Hopkins

The size of Cybertron changing from shot to shot is so hard to follow

Ah yes, the obligatory transformers military porn

Why does the surface of Cybertron have a WW2 style gun fortification?

"Hey guys, when we attack Optimus, who has a sword, let's run in perfect semi-circle formation with our heads completely unguarded!"

" Couldn't he just cut all our heads off at once if he did that?"

" Pshhhh, what do you think this is, a movie way too invested in spectacle?"

A little confused by the whole "haha look at this dumb nerd who tried to solve the problem using science instead of the military, his dumb science plan was so dumb" bit

Watching how Michael Bay dresses and points a camera at a 14 year old girl:

Wait so what did John Tuturro's character do in this movie? His whole thing was just staring at a map in Cuba and giving exposition about Stonehenge being the center of stuff

I will say this- I actually am a fan of some of the CONCEPTS this movie presents. It's the writing and directing OF those concepts that makes this movie such an absolute God-awful mess.

And that's a wrap. This thread contains some of my favorite tweets I think I've ever written, but they will most likely be confined to the dark annals of the internet, never getting the attention they deserve. Oh well. As @DaveedDiggs once said,

"Can we get back to politics?"