(cw: negative mental health)

my already tenuous grip on reality is starting to slip more and more lately and it's getting a little concerning…

i'm fine for now, i just hope it doesn't get worse

i don't think i've ever explained this in detail, but here goes:

my imagination is extraordinarily strong. i can vividly recreate sights, sounds, experiences, and emotions at will, strongly enough that it feels mostly real. best way i can describe it is "lucid daydreaming"

unlike normal dreaming, i'm (usually) in control of it. i daydream about going places, meeting people, doing stuff…

if i'm anticipating something IRL, i daydream about it; if something goes wrong IRL, i daydream a better ending

most of my wild projects come from daydreams!

so what's stopping me from just living in my head all the time?

well i have to earn a living so i can eat… but reality has some of its own perks – it's usually a little more tangible, and always a LOT more surprising. reality never goes how i would imagine it!

that said, i do have a chronic daydreaming problem, made all the worse by ADHD. often i end up daydreaming so strongly about something i need to do, to the point where that's stopping me from *actually doing it*, sometimes for hours.

it's way too easy to get stuck in my head.

obviously i've had to learn how to juggle this with actual reality, or i wouldn't have a job. but i worry about how easily i could lose my job because of this, and start to daydream about it… *on the job,* keeping me from doing my work,, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy,,,

thankfully i have not lost my job yet, and nobody has even complained to me about it

but i've definitely noticed myself daydreaming a lot more lately. ok, sure, that's fine, it comes and goes over time like any other mental health issue, and that's just how it is, right?

except current events kinda have us all a little Weird lately. people talking about how yesterday was actually four months ago, etc.

the effect it's having on me is that reality feels… less real? so my daydreams are starting to feel more like reality than ever.

that's SCARY.

if my daydreams ever match the strength of reality, what's left to stop me from just living in my head forever, where everything is nice and safe and i can do whatever i want? especially since reality is so unpredictable and scary and unfair!

i don't think i'll ever be *quite* that far gone – if only because, again, i need to eat – but the possibility terrifies me so much that even this little slip on my grasp of reality is spiking my anxiety levels. (and that's on top of the rest of current events…)

obviously rational me is fighting back against this as much as possible. part of why i'm making this thread is to sort out my thoughts and make sure i fully understand what's happening to me.

right now my strongest defense is to "daydream" reality, so that what's happening IRL is both in front of me *and* in my head. it's hard to describe, but it ensures i have the agency and the awareness to participate in reality. a very weird concept, but it works to an extent!

however, i need to be self-aware enough to realize i need to do it (read: not daydreaming too strongly), *and* focused enough to hold it in place. ADHD makes this nearly impossible to keep up for more than like thirty seconds.

…maybe the whole issue is ADHD, idk

but to reiterate: i'm pretty sure i will be okay. it's just a little scary, and a little unexpected, much like every other aspect of reality.