Tbqh it& #39;s been hard for me. Intellectually, socially, politically, it has been liberating to divest from very toxic faith communities, but personally, emotionally, morally, I& #39;d be so much less anxious & cynical if I was part of a faith-based community. https://twitter.com/angstential/status/1293244566657622016">https://twitter.com/angstenti...

I was Brahmin-Hindu for almost a whole decade of my life, & the rhythms & rituals of faith, the sharing of communal meals, the marking of seasons through festivals, & undoubtedly the endogamous support system was nourishing. None of this takes away from violence & exclusion...

... which is how my faith presented itself externally to those not Brahmin-savarna & internally to women, queer devotees or anyone who didn& #39;t subscribe to caste-gender norms. Ulimately the violence directed at me & women in my family made me quit. That was emotionally healthy.

But not quite self-restoring. My 20s were a mess & left me often seriously questioning everything. It& #39;s only in my 30s that I& #39;ve strived to build something more true to what I want, need & believe in. But it& #39;s been hard. Being in toxic academia is hard. COVID has been brutal.

Most days I wish desperately I believed in a deity to offload all my anxiety to. Most times when I meditate, I do imagine such a deity. A lot of my rich interiority is imagining some external force sustaining me, it feels silly to admit it. Still, I dont know how else to survive.

I& #39;ve spent much of this summer reading the life of St. Clare of Assisi. I have a very romantic vision of becoming a Benedictine nun, lol, it& #39;s probably totally a delusion but her letters to St. Agnes & their friendship make me cry in thinking how faith can sustain such a life.

Especially when I think of people I love dying, I want to really believe that something exists after death. I won& #39;t ever return to any kind of Hindu community, but I dont want to give up on some notion of the spiritual entirely. Resigned to figuring out this liminal space.