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Tbqh it's been hard for me. Intellectually, socially, politically, it has been liberating to divest from very toxic faith communities, but personally, emotionally, morally, I'd be so much less anxious & cynical if I was part of a faith-based community. https://twitter.com/angstential/status/1293244566657622016
I was Brahmin-Hindu for almost a whole decade of my life, & the rhythms & rituals of faith, the sharing of communal meals, the marking of seasons through festivals, & undoubtedly the endogamous support system was nourishing. None of this takes away from violence & exclusion...
... which is how my faith presented itself externally to those not Brahmin-savarna & internally to women, queer devotees or anyone who didn't subscribe to caste-gender norms. Ulimately the violence directed at me & women in my family made me quit. That was emotionally healthy.
But not quite self-restoring. My 20s were a mess & left me often seriously questioning everything. It's only in my 30s that I've strived to build something more true to what I want, need & believe in. But it's been hard. Being in toxic academia is hard. COVID has been brutal.
Most days I wish desperately I believed in a deity to offload all my anxiety to. Most times when I meditate, I do imagine such a deity. A lot of my rich interiority is imagining some external force sustaining me, it feels silly to admit it. Still, I dont know how else to survive.
I've spent much of this summer reading the life of St. Clare of Assisi. I have a very romantic vision of becoming a Benedictine nun, lol, it's probably totally a delusion but her letters to St. Agnes & their friendship make me cry in thinking how faith can sustain such a life.
Especially when I think of people I love dying, I want to really believe that something exists after death. I won't ever return to any kind of Hindu community, but I dont want to give up on some notion of the spiritual entirely. Resigned to figuring out this liminal space.
