my story with my mental health and myself — 𝓪 𝓽𝓱𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓭

so i wanted to make a thread with my story, mainly about my mental health. i thought that maybe this could help other ppl see, they are not alone with these things.
also if u need someone to talk to my dm’s are open.

DISCLAIMER: I will not be telling the personal things that, did affect me yes, but happened to my siblings. i don’t want to share all of those things to the public but i’m gonna be mentioning some things, so if ur interested on what happened dm me and i can explain to some ppl.

ofc i wont be telling everyone but if ur a friend of mine there are some things i can tell u that i didn’t mention in this thread.

so in conclusion i left a lot of things that happened in my life out.

ALSO ENGLISH ISN’T MY FIRST LANGUAGE PLS TAKE THAT INTO CONSIDERATION

TW/// this thread contains talk about self-harm, suicide and death, injuries, alcohol, body image and other topics that may be triggering to someone

(the tweets that contain self-harm, suicide, death, alcohol will have another tw so u can read this and skip over those parts)

I’ve always struggled with myself and my body image. i was bullied a lot in school since i was 6 and it affected my confidence a lot. I was never skinny or pretty like the other girls so that made me insecure and very sad inside. It was hard to talk about and I never really did.

The bullying stopped when i was like 14. it wasn’t bad the last few years but it did sometimes happen. of course the insecurities and judging myself stayed.
In about 2014 my sister went through a lot and
TW// death
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my 18 yr old cousin died suddenly

i was about 10 at this point so i really didn’t know how to react. the next spring i got bad anxiety. i was anxious to walk outside and i got really paranoid and when i say paranoid i mean like it was BAD. I later went to a psychologist and it helped. my anxiety was cured for

a little while.

So in 2015 spring my best friend made a fake profile and pretended to be a guy and talked to me like this guy liked me. i was young and boys always bullied me so i was happy i was getting attention and someone liked me. it was a huge deal for me.

then i found out this guy didn’t exist and my mental health was pretty shit. i basically stayed in bed the entire summer and didn’t have the energy for anything. from the years 2016-2017 my mental health changed a lot. i had bad time periods when i would feel like absolute shit.

i also had time periods when i didn’t feel anything. i had time periods when i felt okay.
i didn’t talk about this a lot bc i didn’t know how to start and how to explain it.

in autumn of 2017, when i started school i lost my three best friends. our friendship was kinda toxic

and we fought a lot but they were my best friends.
so i basically spent my days crying. I would see them in school and just run to the bathroom crying. they would stare at me or annoy me on purpose sometimes and it didn’t look like they cared about our friendship ending at all.

i was pretty heartbroken that time.

TW// death, self harm
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two weeks later my grandpa passed away. this was hard on me and a little while after i started self harming. i didn’t do it often, but i still did it.

next spring my mom divorced my dad. I always had a very complicated relationship with my dad and we fought almost every day. i was kind of happy to move out with my mom, even tho it was still hard.

TW// alcohol
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next spring i found out my dad is an alcoholic. i did not know that for 14 years. i felt betrayed and very confused. i didn’t know this man anymore. he felt like a stranger. i was so confused and so mad at my entire family that no one cared enough to tell me

so after that i was very messed up. i was so angry about everything and it was just absolute shit.

fast forward one year

TW// sickness, medical procedure
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so the year started with my dad ending up in the hospital. he has diabetes so his leg got these wounds and

TW// sickness, medical procedure
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the leg had to be amputated. he was in the hospital for a long time and it was hard on our family bc we were all super worried ab him and yeah.

I was also having anxiety attacks at school daily.

TW// alcohol
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so dad stopped drinking after that and next spring he’s been two years sober which is great but he’s a totally different person now than how he was all my life so it’s complicated i’m still figuring stuff out.

so after all that my mental health got even worse. that same spring i did become friends again with my three ex best friends and two of them are now very important to me and both one of my best friends.
n e ways the next autumn was difficult. i almost burned out bc of school.

i’ve always put pressure on myself in school. if i got anything below a 10/10 i was so disappointed in myself. i’ve always been. it’s not always simple when ur good in school bc sometimes we actually burn out bc we expect too much from ourselves.

so i have a fear of failure i guess and i felt like a failure a lot bc of school.

i started staying at home a lot and i don’t think i had been in school a full week in months. i couldn’t get out of bed. i was exhausted.

my mom started worrying a lot and i noticed. she didn’t understand at first but we talked a lot and she understands now.
that autumn i seeked help and i got sent in a mental health help center for young ppl. there she told me i likely had depression. at this point i felt numb.

i don’t know when i had cried the last time but i was having a time period when i didn’t feel anything. i got sent to another person to talk about my anxiety and mental health and soon i’m gonna start a program to help my mental health and anxiety.

TW// self harm/suicide/death
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i remember times when i just couldn’t do anything, didn’t feel anything and had to self harm to feel stuff again. i wanted to d word so badly and was thinking of easy ways to do it. but i didn’t. i stayed. for my mom.

so this year i found one direction. these five men made me feel things again. they have helped me so much and i can never thank them enough. a special thank u to harry and louis who have both helped me accept myself and express myself without thinking about others.

i’m still struggling with my mental health. i still have a long journey ahead. I mostly struggle with anxiety, depression and anger. i sometimes feel like i’m angry at the world for all this shit and then it just comes out as
annoyance and snapping at ppl.

adding to this++

but i’m proud of how far i’ve come. I’ve gone through a lot of things and not all of it was in this bc i don’t want to share everything publicly. I’ve grown as a person a lot while going through all this.
i always belive that everything happens for a reason.

even if i don’t know what that reason is there still is one.

“i’m not okay right now but i will be”

i have learned to love myself a little more even if it’s only a small amount. I have learned to give myself some time. i have learned that sometimes it’s okay to be hurt.

give yourself time. remember to breathe. it’ll be alright.
remind yourself that you’ll be okay. bad days are a part of all this. good days are a part of all this. i know everything is shit right now but you’ll get through it. you’ll be okay. it’s okay.