Massachusetts is the most beguiling of America’s 50 states because it has really good liberal politics but everyone you meet there is an absolute nightmare person.

This in contrast to Texas, which has nightmare people *and* politics, and is redeemed solely by its food.

States like North Carolina and Iowa average out with good/bad people and good/bad politics, while Georgia is exceptional in being both the best and worst state in almost every metric you can devise.

You will never meet a middling Georgian. Every Georgian you meet is either Good or Evil. You will instantly love or loathe them and your feeling is completely correct. You will never change your mind about a Georgian.

Everyone in and from South Carolina is secretly a monster. An entire state of people whose neighbors are later interviewed on TV and say "they never would have guessed, he always seemed so quiet."

Illinois is weird because it's not weird. It just is. There's no unifying theme. There's Chicago and then the rest just feels like the bleed-overs from neighboring states. It's just South Wisconsin, East Iowa, East, Missouri, West Indiana, North Kentucky.

I keep trying to think of ways to bash Minnesota, but I can't. I like the people. The parts I've been to are gently pretty. Minneapolis is the best mid-sized city I've been to in the US. They gave us the Coen Brothers, Prince, Ilhan Omar, and people named Lars.

I'm also very fond of Wisconsin. Nice people. Beautiful countryside that inspired America's premier architectural art (prairie school), deliciously unhealthy food, natural wonders and beauty like something out of a fairy tale.

Nebraska is, unfortunately, the worst state. The people deserve better, they're conservative but kinder than most, but there's no helping it. It is not even epic in its sweeping vastness. It's just there, trailing off endlessly in every direction, like an an old man's story.

You can't say anything about California. It's too big, too diverse in people and landscape. Only three American cities have mystique: New York, New Orleans, and San Francisco. Yosemite, Redwoods, and Shasta boggle the mind, they're the playgrounds of gods. Also, wine.

Speaking of New Orleans, Louisiana is literally hell on earth. A vast, sweltering bog populated by French rednecks. Redeemed solely by the world-historical artistic jewel of a city where its godawful swamps drain into the sea.

Have a couple of requests to do Michigan. Michigan is the Connecticut of the Midwest. Both states are composed entirely of blighted cityscapes where everyone has been stabbed at least twice this month, alongside gated communities full of neurotic white people.

No one in either Michigan or Connecticut has a job. The poor are actually unemployed and desperate thanks to neoliberalism, while the upper middle class (neither state has an actual middle-class) live in large colonial-style houses but can't say where the money came from.

Michigan and Connecticut are the weirdest states by far. They don't have economies. No one works. The only functioning industries in either state are quaint ice cream parlors in beach towns that are only open May - September and employ the same teen, named Angela.

Kentucky is a failed, 200-year experiment to create a Transappalacian Virginia and it shows.

I'm sure Tennessee has its duds and jerks, but I've not met one. I love, and would die for, every person I know from Tennessee. Lovely, intelligent, interesting people, every one. God's true people.

Ohio is populated entirely by America's ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends. Every Ohioan gives off extremely strong ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend energy.

Honestly, don't know enough about News York and Jersey to say anything about them. Both states seem so warped by their proximity to The City.

Outside of New York City, it's just an endless dance around it. Moons insisting they're more than their planets. Maybe they are, but I'm not about to find out.

I've never been, but a few people have told me that I seem like someone from Washington State, that I'd like it there, and that's the most damning indictment of a place I can imagine. A place specially for me. Goddamn. What a nightmare it must be.

You will never meet anyone hornier than someone from Utah. Mormon, non-Mormon, doesn't matter. They radiate horniness. Undying, unquenchable, unforgiving hornt.

Marylanders mistake a mass-produced seasoning for having a culture.

Everyone in Virginia has done something unforgivable. It's always The Day After The Purge in VA. What they've done varies drastically by region, but all the same: they did it, they feel kinda bad about it, but by God they are not about to face the consequences of their actions.

You’ll never meet someone “from” Pennsylvania. You’ll meet ppl from Philly or Pittsburgh or “I’m from Boston but live in __, PA now.” It’s not a state in any real sense, it’s just a collection of half-dead towns and two delightfully awful cities.

The highest honor anyone from Indiana can imagine is being referred to as “Coach” by their own children.

Everyone in Florida is running a con and the “Florida Man” thing is the biggest of them all, but by God it works. Good for them.

Missourians are smarter than they look.

Arizona's the biggest waste, because it's gorgeous, but outside of the Natives, nobody's brought an ounce of culture to the place. The cities are just a series of strip malls, and even Sedona's just full of blazed out hippies who couldn't cut it peddling amulets in Santa Fe.

Colorado is just Patagonia: The State. Every person who's not a neo-Nazi looks like they're about to tell you about the new waterproof, extra-layered Messenger Bag, special 50% off with the code SNOWDAY.

No one's from Nevada. You wash up there, or you get out. That's it.

Alaska's an NRA dreamland. Nicest people you'll ever meet, every single one armed to the teeth. In any other state, a dude with a .38 strapped to his chest rapidly walking up to you is a sign for worry, but in AK he's just asking if you'd like some caribou jerky. He's got extra.