Having a convo about love languages. And I think that while it’s a great convo to have with the people with whom you share intimate relationships, there’s a fundamental part of it that’s often missing in the way we discuss them.

The purpose of learning your love language(s) is not to practice one or 2 to the exclusion of others. It gives you a few data points:

1. This is how I experience love
2. This is how I demonstrate love

And lastly- the one I feel like we miss a lot in these convos- is:

3. Here are the areas that perhaps I can improve upon the way I both express and receive love even if they are not second nature to me.

The 5 identified areas represent the full language of love. You need all of them. It’s the difference between being able to go on vacation & ask, “Donde esta el baño?” and being able to move to Latin America and build a life. Both will get you by but they’re different experiences

They are compliments to each other, not substitutes for one another. If for no other reason than the very nature of living and loving is likely going to require you be able to employ different languages in different circumstances.

If the primary love language of a relationship has been quality time, and life happens in such a way that you are apart from your friend or partner, you’re likely going to need to be able to lean more on words of affirmation.

It doesn’t mean it supplants your primary language, but it does mean you have the emotional skill set to show up for your relationships- friendship and romantic- as the circumstances call for.

If your partner’s love language is acts of service, it doesn’t mean they don’t need to be touched. If your partner’s love language is giving gifts, it doesn’t mean they don’t need quality time. (Though it could.)

So, while it’s true that in some cases people’s love languages might not be complimentary, and you have to decide whether it’s a fundamental compability obstacle, I’d challenge you to truthfully answer this question:

Are you *truly* incompatible, or do you lack the ability or desire to connect to the full range of the ways love shows up in our lives and use the terminology of the 5 love languages to hide behind that?

Maybe it truly is incompatibility. Maybe you truly have no desire to possess the emotional skill set to express and experience- to whatever degree- all of the love languages.

Either is fine.
But ask yourself the question.