please stop performatively checking in on folks

if you’re gonna check in on someone, do so with intentionality and care, which probably doesn’t look like the blanket “how’re you doing?”

‘cause for a lot of folks right now, the genuine answer to “how’re you doing?” is “really fucking unwell”

so like, unless you’re truly prepared to field that response and follow up with care & intentionality, maybe ask a different question

also, a lot of folks right now don’t really like being asked “how’re you doing?” ‘cause like, been bad, am bad, and will be bad for the foreseeable future

answering that question again & again can be hella draining, especially if it feels like we’re being a downer

not to mention that because the answer might be too heavy, a lot of folks feel pressured to fluff their answer to not cause needless worry or prying

but then no one’s better off and what was really the point of the check in anyway

so all this is to say, if you’re gonna check in, be intentional & mindful about it; often, that means asking more pointed questions like
“have you eaten today?”
“are you drinking enough water?”
“have you been able to do something for yourself recently?”

and part of intentionally checking in means asking yourself: 1) what am I really trying to ask my friend about? 2) how might my check in be either helping or adding emotional burden onto this friend? and 3) what’s my capacity for following up depending on their answer?

and sometimes, when you’re tired but still wanna let someone know you love & care about them, you can say just that

a simple reassurance and affirmation can go a long way

btw, I’m not saying at all broad check-ins are performative nor that they’re inherently bad or vapid

just that, often, they’re not done & followed up with the intention or care that the people receiving them deserve

also something to note is that a lot of folks, as a general communication preference, just straight up don’t like being checked in on with broad questions

so like, unsure of how a friend likes to be checked in on? just ask them and have a convo about it, simple as that