thinking back to how very obsessed with inspiration porn a lot of christian communities are makes me just. yikes. it felt like my trauma was supposed to be shared so everyone could be inspired and encouraged to have more faith in god. it was actually gross and i hate it.

looking back on it. on how much my peers and older adults would wanna listen to all the trauma i'd been through and be like "wow you're so strong" and how there was the expectation i had to spin it into some way to "glorify" god and make it about religion and not you know trauma

christians will call trauma everything but trauma. struggles, hardships, tribulation, tests. but not trauma. idk but it means something i haven't figured out yet. i feel like i was a zoo animal to christian circles when i think about it now.

it was validating at the time. i got approval for being such a "great example" when really i was coping in the worst ways. i was shoving everything down and too worried about being a burden to really open up about it. it's a culture of romanticizing trauma, the fawn response and-

glorifying self martyrdom. christianity lOVES martyrs. and the younger and more traumatized they are, the better. i was everything they wanted me to be. someone who was dealing with death, sickness and abuse but keeping a smile on my face and burying my hurt to help everyone else

and the funny thing is when i really fucking needed support and help. when my mom was dying and i was depressed as hell. they weren't really there. my non-christian friend gave me a thousand times more tangible support than the whole fucking church combined.

idk what the point of this thread is but like. your trauma is *yours* and you don't have to be an inspiration. it doesn't have to have a fucking purpose unless *you* want it to. you don't owe anyone your story. you didn't deserve what happened even in the name of "growth"