greetings, boner killers. i see i’ve caused quite the commotion as of my last ramblings. i’m pleased to have had an impact. you may be surprised i wasn’t here to bask in the glory of my successes:

the live readings, the begging for markhyuck and chanbaek renditions, the... friendship requests? i saw all of it, and, i couldnt give a rat’s ass. in fact, i want nothing to do with you squealing, horny mouth breathers. so why am i back, you ask?

this spine-chilling, retina melting image right here:

i have not slept.

it was august 2, 2020. i remember it all so vividly. four men smiling at me, but something is terribly off. the hair on my arms rose to new heights. my throat began to itch. my ben wa balls even rattled a bit with... excitement? fear? arousal?

let’s pop open the hood and give her a look. is it jaehyun? other the the fact he looks a bit more like the mask from courage the cowardly dog than usual, everything seems to be running smoothly.

winwin... oh winwin. what have they done to you. my boy. his sweet face is slowly starting to show the signs of early onset “living with queer eye and their cats” syndrome... nothing out of the ordinary here.

i’m almost terrified to shift my eyes to this individual. just the sight of his face fills my body with such a pure unbridled rage, i can’t help but anticipate that its his doing, you know, my aforementioned intense nausea stirred by this image. but alas!

10 is looking nothing short of his usual kurt hummel. fantastic.

i see lucas and think to myself “beautiful boy. you’ll never wrong me” and move on.

so what it is it? what is it about this john hughes movie cover (1) that makes me want to reenact the human centipede with jimmy carter and rap monster than to ever see it again?
1: look up pretty in pink, gestational sacs. ten is molly ringwald btw.

the answer dons on me somewhere between jimmy carter and rap monster: qian kun. it’s always qian fucking kun.

hey hey hey wait user sorryjohnny! didn’t you bring qian kun into your last essay for no reason too?! and that’s where you’re wrong, my sweets. it’s not for no reason. today, it’s ALL about qian kun.

where the FUCK did things go wrong?

black on black promotions. before the eternal jaekun beef had been initiated. before the jung jaehyun as we knew and loved was snatched from us in the night right before our very own virgin eyes.

following the new surge of interest in the haphazardly thrown together sad excuse of a collaboration era we refer to as “NCT 2018,” SM decided it was high time to reward their “underdog” boy group (funded by a $44 million company).

after spending thousands on ten’s nose & yuta’s multiple chin surgeries, SM was honestly running out of members to senselessly inject w/ polymethylmethacrylate. all that was left was the harrowing sounds of kun and jaehyun going at each other’s throats like two feral wildebeests.

would lee sooman decide to spend his remaining NCT budget on jaehyun’s facial reconstruction surgery or kun’s gastric sleeve? (my vote is neither, blow the cash on strippers for him and that old haggard choi siwon. who still wants to have sex with him, really?)

you decide, reader.

and that was the day jaehyun and kun fell apart. he walked into SM headquarters with that perfectly sculpted nose. a jawline touched by a million fat little cherubs. and is that.... cheekbone filler?

i was there, and, i shit you not, kun flipped a folding table of hors d'oeuvres on top of little trainee liu yangyang.

august 2, 2020. a day i detest. a day kun dreaded for weeks. inkigayo. jaehyun. gastric sleeve. weight watchers. oprah winfrey. YOU GET A CAR! jawline surgery. yangyang. 찢겨진 데시빌 on the 32nd beat 한계 없는 gain my mix straight bang like....

the words rang through kun’s dementia ridden mind.

inkigayo. jaehyun. gastric sleeve. weight watchers. oprah winfrey. YOU GET A CAR! jawline surgery. yangyang. (you see, you can slowly start to picture this to the tune of chicago’s (2002) “cell block tango” do it with me it’s fun)

inkigayo jaehyun gastric sleeve weight watchers oprah winfrey YOU GET A CAR jawline surgery yangyang jaehyun ten.... ten? lucas?????? winwin????

kun is brought down from the astral plane of trauma by jaehyun’s cheshire cat-like grin, he undeniably got his veneers whitened and polished with leftover superm money.

baekhyun and taemin’s pussy secretions smeared the floor of ellen degenerate’s GOP funded stage just to pay for a walking mannequin’s dentures. all kun wanted was to lose 5 pounds.

yangyang, having sustained the injuries of pre-therapy KUN ANGRY KUN SMASH, noticed kun’s descent into madness as they watched their group members smile ear to ear next to korea’s jesse eisenberg. scanning the room for any nearby folding tables, yangyang pat kun on the back.

“i’m sorry, qian kun.” said yangyang. but not me. i’m not sorry. i’m not sorry for jaehyun, either. i don’t know who i’m sorry for. me, i guess.