Xue Yang is cursed with a manager who pronounces his family name “Zoo” and he’s pretty sure that the Working in the Irvine Spectrum Lush slinging bath bombs and overpriced soap is his penance for doing something terrible in a past life.

He used to work at the store in Mission Viejo, which was smaller and older and a longer drive from home and somehow worse in every possible imaginable way, so maybe he’s climbing the cosmic ladder. Be nice to children and animals, work in a mall with a Ferris wheel.

At the new store, he has a direct line of sight into the Boxlunch, where A-Qing sells officially-licensed merch to old nerds. He's had a lot of foster siblings over the years, and she's probably his favorite, because she is
a) a punk
b) an utter shitkicker

The Irvine Spectrum is a Moorish-style fever dream, a Disneyland of Consumerism, a temple complex to the gods Apple, Anthropologie, and California Pizza Kitchen. In Xue Yang's opinion, it's the best place in the world, because he can shoplift taffy by the handful from Rocketfizz.

Among the stranger things on offer is the Hello Kitty Grand Cafe.

Xue Yang and A-Ching's first visit to the Hello Kitty Grand Cafe (hereafter referred to as the HKGC) is ironic. Everything is pink and sugary and... painfully, tooth-searingly earnest. But Xue Yang likes strawberry popping boba,

and he especially likes the barista, whose cartoon-cat nametag affixed to his pink chef's coat proclaims his name is 'Xingchen'.

"We have to go back," he says, as soon as the door has shut behind them and he and A-Qing are blinking in the Southern California sunlight.
"85 is cheaper."
"I don't want to fuck the cashier at 85."

For the next week, Xue Yang cases the joint. He finds reasons to walk past the HKGC five times a day, just to see who's working. When it's Xingchen, he walks in and orders increasingly awful combinations of sugar syrups. He compares the smell to soap.
"I work at Lush."

"I, uh, noticed," says Xingchen, handing Xue Yang his drink and a little boxed cake. "You're wearing your apron."

Xue Yang's favorite game to play at Lush is Would You Like To Try This?
The rules are simple.

1.) Identify the person in the store least likely to purchase something. (White moms with daughters are a good bet.)

2.) Accost the mark, and, in his strongest valley boy accent, ask, "Would you like to try this?"
(This being... whatever. Body wash or a bubble bar or a sugar scrub. It doesn't matter.)

3.) Lead the helpless mark over to the sample tub and ask them to remove their rings, watches, etc. and roll up their sleeves.
They are now trapped until the end of the demo.

4.) Wash the mark's hands. Wash the mark's forearms. Extoll the virtues of whatever the product is. Wax poetic about exfoliation. Massage their hands. Really drag it out.

5.) When the mark begins to hedge to try and wrap this up, take your sweet-ass time. Smile! Make them uncomfortable with how well they're being taken care of. Then rinse.

If all has gone according to plan, Jenny from Rancho Santa Maragarita is now socially obligated to spend at least $30 on body lotion and dry shampoo.

Xue Yang would /really/ like to play Would You Like To Try This with Xiao Xingchen.

A-Qing looks down at him from her step stool. "I am disgusted to know you," she says, and the dead-eyed wall of Funko Pops behind her stares in agreement. "Just download Grindr and look for him there like a normal person."

"That's so much work, though. And it involves zero coercive hand-holding."
She picks up a Tyrion Lannister and appears to be very seriously considering throwing it at his head.
"Then what are you complaining to me for?"

As Xiao Xingchen has yet to pay a visit to Irvine's finest bath bomb armory, Xue Yang looks for a new plan of attack.
"A-Qing, do you know what the bow room is?"
A-Qing holds up a fistful of tangled triforce necklaces.
"It's like high tea for little girls."

"It is not," says Xue Yang. "I mean. It is. But it's also a speakeasy."
She deadpans. "There's a speakeasy at the Hello Kitty Cafe."
"There is. I got us reservations. Saturday night."
"I can't believe we're related."

On saturday, Xue Yang dresses up in his finest punk threads and asskicking boots and A-Qing gets into his car in full pink lolita.
"The cat ears are a nice touch," he tells her.
"I'm on theme," she sniffs. "Unlike some people."

Parking is a nightmare.
But to be fair, parking anywhere in Irvine on a Saturday night is a nightmare.

Xue Yang is feeling homicidal by the time they are shown into the back room of the cafe.

The bartender is not Xiao Xingcheng.

"I told you, you should have downloaded Grindr," says A-Qing.

Xue Yang knows this guy. Not by name, but by face, and by height, because he is absurdly, inconsiderately tall.
He is a regular at Lush. He buys soaps by the pound.

And he is absolutely immune to Would You Like To Try This?

Tall Soap Guy's nametag, pinned perfectly straight to his pink apron, says 'Zichen'.

Xue Yang walks up to the bar, slaps his driver's license and credit card on the counter, and says, "Is Xingchen working tonight?"

"Policy says I can't tell you."

Tall Soap Guy, hereafter Tall Soap Douche, hands him a menu. "I recommend the Matcha Sour. Does your date have ID, sir?"

A-Qing, traitor that she is, says, "I have to be sober so I remember when he embarrasses himself."

"Also I'm seventeen."

They place their drink orders and retreat to a corner table. A-Qing hands Xue Yang her phone and mugs for instagram, snapchat, and tiktok. "I'm having fun. Are you having fun?"

Xue Yang has been glancing towards the bar every thirty seconds. "No."

"I was really sure he'd be working tonight."

A-Qing holds her phone out, then holds it back and snaps a selfie of them both, fingers of her free hand pressed in a V against her cheek. "What should I caption this? Watching my favorite brother get his heart broken?"

Xue Yang tries to think of a witty response and is interrupted in doing so by the arrival of their drinks

and

Xingchen

Xue Yang cannot think of a single thing to say, except to echo A-Qing's sunny 'thank you!'

She watches Xingchen walk back behind the bar.

"Smooth, gege."

"Shut up."

A-Qing does not shut up. "You are, for the record, going about this all wrong."

Xue Yang bobs his straw in his drink, fishing for popping boba. "What do you mean."

"I mean, how many times have /I/ dated someone who hit on me at my job."

"Zero."

She leans in. "I don't know how to say this nicely, but you are being a total neckbeard right now."

"Fuck," he says quietly.

They finish their drinks, split a piece of aggressively pastel cake, and go outside. The ferris wheel stands stationary, lights dancing across its face. The air is still and warm. It smells like jacarandas, sweet and rotten all at once.

"Give me your phone," says A-Qing.

"No," he says, and she fucking tackles him and starts patting down his pockets.

"This is stupid! Gimme your phone!"

"Fuck, did you just bite me? Fine! Fine!"

"Fuck, how do you type on this thing?!"

"I dunno, carefully?"

A-Qing turns away from him and shields the screen with the frilly collar of her dress. Then, she begins to walk, and Xue Yang follows her for an entire circuit of the ferris wheel court. "What are you doing?"

"Fixing this, you dummy."

"How the fuck--"

She stops suddenly, so suddenly he nearly bowls her over. While he is righting himself, she turns around, phone shining in her outstretched hand.

Well, at least she picked the /good/ selfies.

"If he's available, let him come to you."

Thus begins the longest two goddamn weeks of Xue Yang's life thus far.

This, he considers, is fair purgatory for having spent a week flirting with Xingchen in his workplace - but if Xingchen has a Grindr account, he never logs on at the Spectrum.

(A lot of not-Xingchen people log on at the Spectrum, and he is very flattered, but no.)

(Another downside of A-Qing's plan is... he actually really like the drinks at the Hello Kitty Grand Cafe, and right now he's unofficially banned from the premises.)

And then, at last, something happens.

Xiao Xingchen and Song Zichen walk into Lush.

Fuck. Why did it have to be both of them.

Xue Yang straightens up, even though he cannot possibly compete with Tall Soap Douche, and he makes a beeline across the store before any of his coworkers can even think about intercepting them.

The shoe is on the other foot.

"Hi."

Xingchen doesn't recoil from the sight of him, so, off to a good start. "Oh, hello," he says pleasantly. "We were just..."

"A pound of the Olive Tree, please," says Tall Soap Douche.

This is, Xue Yang thinks, pure deflection, regardless of how badly he would like to sell a pound of very expensive soap, because soap has to be cut.

"I can get that started for you."

Curse his customer service reflexes.

"If you would come right this way, please."

Nice save.

They follow him across the store. Xue Yang makes small talk as he cuts and measures soap and wraps it in the eco-conscious reusable cloth that Tall Soap Douche sets so carefully on the table between them like he is somehow unwilling to take the risk of touching hands.

(Xue Yang's hands... which are currently all over... his very expensive soap.)

(Customers are weird.)

He finishes wrapping the soap. Song Zichen makes a nod like he can leave it on the table. (Weird!!!)

He turns to Xingchen. "Have you been here before?"

"Oh, no--"

"Then please. Come this way. You have to try something. It's the rules."

"It's not really, is it?" asks Song Zichen, and Xue Yang gestures to the logo on his apron, as if to say /I would know better than you/.

He drags them over to the demo basin.

(A-Qing is standing in the front window of Boxlunch, fighting with a sale poster. She gives him a look like What The Fuck?)

There is no stopping him now. Xue Yang gets the tap warming and selects a body scrub. "Would you like to try this?"

Xingchen has already rolled up his sleeves, without him even having to ask.

Xue Yang thinks he is in /love/.

He washes and exfoliates Xingchen's hands.

They are very nice hands.

Song Zichen looks about ready to vibrate out of his skin.

This is incredible.

And then it is over. Xingchen dries his hands (his very nice hands), and Xue Yang rings up Song Zichen's sixty fucking dollars worth of soap and one (1) bath bomb.

A-Qing stares, slack jawed, from the other side of the breezeway. She disappears into her store - he sees her weave around the racks of character t-shirts and novelty mugs and back behind the counter.

His phone buzzes

'SO???'

'idk'

'udk'

'i think he might be dating tall soap douche'

'f'

He looks across at her. She pantomimes a breaking heart, then goes back to her phone

'ur heart will go on'

'will it tho?'

'i mean, or die, idc, u do u'

Which he is not going to dignify with a response. He makes certain she is watching and makes a show out of putting his phone into his back pocket.

The day continues.

And then his phone begins to buzz again.

It's not A-Qing, he can see her folding t-shirts at the front of the store.

So, he checks it.

It's a push notification from Grindr

It's a push notification from Grindr from Xiao Xingchen

'Hello, sorry, I hope this isn't weird, I wasn't sure how to get ahold of you otherwise and someone mentioned they'd seen you on here.'

'Would you like to grab dinner with us?'

Xue Yang is pretty sure that he did something terrible in a past life. But he thinks he might be doing pretty okay in this one.

-FIN-