abuser playbook - 12 steps
(personal experience - refer to experts to learn more)
Identify this behavior and get out of the situation as early as possible
Believe survivors when you see this:
--abuser playbook 1/12--
nice, overly accomodating. Gain trust. Boost target's confidence. (Make it so you become a source of positivity for the target. It's addicting.)
--abuser playbook 2/12--
Test the waters. Small disagreements. How loyal is the target? How assertive? Worth continuing?
--abuser playbook 3/12--
Isolate from friends. Act concerned about friends (for whatever reason.) Convince target their friends are not good for them. This allows abuser to discredit friends when criticized.
--abuser playbook 4/12--
Break down self-confidence. Find others to agree that your target is lazy, ugly, etc. Make target feel lucky you are there. Give the impression no one else would be. "Remember that time I did X for you? See, I really love you like no one else does."
-abuser playbook 5/12--
Really push the envelope now. Try to get target completely under control. If there are arguments, throw a tamtrum. (Abuser tantrums can be extreme!) Make target scared to disagree. Make them walk on eggshells. Fear = control
--abuser playbook 6/12--
Abuser will use silent treatment and withdraw affection when target does not agree with abuser. The withdraw of a source of positivity is meant as punishment and to make target desperate to do anything to make amends.
--abuser playbook 7/12--
If 2 above don't work, start bargaining. ("Ok, how about if i do this, you let me...[thing they want]" or "Just 1x, I'll never do this again") If you get an abuser to bargain, you are winning. Their tantrum & silent treatment didnt work. Don't give in.
--abuser playbook 8/12--
If the 3 above do not work, abuser may try to smooth things over with love bombing and gift giving. I received 80 roses once during this phase. Win the target back. Get them back in your control.
--abuser playbook 9/12--
Accept target's apology even if they don't offer one. Abuser will act as if you know you're wrong and they forgive you and are doing you a favor.
--abuser playbook 10/12--
Repeat until target leaves. Then discard the person. They serve no purpose. Abuser will completely remove all evidence of them in their life. OR abuser will become obsessive (My experience with w/1st scenario)
--abuser playbook 11/12--
Discredit target. Claim target crazy. If confronted by friends, claim you were being nice not saying these things but now "have to." (trying to look like a "good guy") Use court system against target (ie get restraining order first before target does.)
--abuser playbook 12/12--
Abuser will claim they are removing "negativity" and "drama" from their life, which sounds like a good thing but means they never want to be confronted with their abuse or held accountable. May withdraw from community to avoid accountability.
These are patterns many smart people in infosec do not see, but as someone who has been through a lot of shit, it sticks out like a sore thumb.

Also, grow a spine and hold your friends and heros accountable or get out of the way.
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