I think I just had the grodiest experience of my life?? Idk the bar is high. Definitely top three.

Yeah one of my hens has had a turd the size of a big strawberry stuck below her cloaca for a day or two. I hoped it would fall off on its own but instead it has snowballed. So I decided to intervene.

Turns out it was too hard to wipe off, even with warm water and coconut oil. How hard was it? It was like plaster of paris, I really couldn’t believe it. And it wasn’t just baked around each of the feather quills, it was fully adhered to the ass skin, like acrylic nails.

When I tried scrubbing around the edges with a washcloth, the rock-poop peeled away skin with it. So I had to stop and just firmly press the wet cloth into her ass, dipping in a bucket of warm water periodically and massaging it with coconut oil to try to break it up.

Thais had the unexpected effect of making the hen wildly horny. Her cloaca turned puffy and pink and shiny like a winking glazed mini donut, and she started pushing it into my fingers, as I tried to alternately chisel off shit bits with scissors and keep the area warm and greased

On the plus side she did stay compliant. It took a full half hour to complete the job. My face was 2 inches from her cloaca the whole time because I was TERRIFIED of cutting her with the scissors, but the stuff was glued so tightly to the skin. I got a good look.

Sex with a chicken must be really something. She kept kisssing my knuckles with it, which made an audible popping “mwah.” When I finished and let her go she was visibly irritated. My daughter dropped my phone into the bucket, meanwhile, so that’s now in a bag of rice.

Except for chicken blue balls she seems ok. She’s in the coop, her butt is three-quarters scissor-shaved, but is virtually uncut and shit-free. I am on my porch drinking rose from a can and picking hen gunk from under my nails feeling like a boundary was crossed.

Yea the poop didn’t bother me a bit, it was that I kept kind of turning over the idea of finishing her off? Like she seemed to be having a miserable horny meltdown, would the humane thing be to jerk her off, especially after she’d gone through the butt cut ordeal? Did I owe her?

Like maybe that would be just an animal care procedure. But then, what if I was I manufacturing a values-syntonic reason to get up in it? What if I started to “take care of her” and it was... hot? It kind of freaked me out.