a lot of "abuse" is rlly just a toxic relationship! ive been in friendships and romantic relationships where both ppl end up feeling "used", and "abused". but we were both also getting something out of the relationship, we were both consensually harming each other!

what can feel like abuse is really just being hurt, and it can feel like abuse to the other person too. the way to solve that is not to create a victim and perpetrator dynamic when none exists, but just to acknowledge that you are bad for each other and move on....

and when theres no clear power dynamic at play, then usually, even if the relationship is toxic, both parties benefit. e.g. you're working out your own issues, or attempting to make past relationships right thru this one. both parties are responsible even if one feels more hurt.

where i disagree with "conflict is not abuse" style thinking is that i dont think that these kinds of relationships are usually resolvable. if you are in this kind of relationship, usually the only way it stops being toxic, and you stop feeling hurt, is to stop the relationship.

and to be clear: i have also been in relationships where one person is more the perpetrator of harm than i am -- emotionally abusive behavior. this isn't excusable, but it's also not cancellable. it's a dynamic that needs to be explored and worked on by that person.

but i also know that in these emotionally toxic, borderline abusive relationships, i have played a role — that i wanted to be controlled. you can say that excuses abuse, but i'd say to that you're denying my agency if you don't let me say that!!

it's easy to use words like "abuse" and "victim blaming" and all that when it's just generally a lot more complicated, and usually in toxic relationships both people are causing harm! that doesnt mean abuse doesnt exist, but that there is no precise definition of it.

abuse is real, abuse is pervasive in this shithole society we live in! but relationships are complex and we often adapt a carceral mindset when talking about all this. sometimes people are more perpetrators than victims, but often we are all both perpetrators and victims.

and last thing: this doesnt mean you should excuse people's shitty behavior! to move on from toxic relationships i've had to go through so much anger! i will never forgive them!!! but that doesnt mean i didnt perpetrate harm too. it doesnt mean i didnt play into a dynamic too.

ok sorry one more thing is that in gay and queer relationships, the power dynamic is a lot more tricky. patriarchy exists within us all, but it's usually more easily identifiable in cishet relationships. so definitions of abuse are not one-size-fits-all