as much as I and probably most other people want to move on from the BAM/SB affair, i feel like I as an individual, and many of us as a community, haven't fully reckoned with what happened, or more significantly why it happened, and what our roles in it were

so as not to bury the lead - I fucked up - and owe both an apology, and more importantly an accounting of what happened and a promise to not do so again, to the many people BAM has bullied, gaslit and undermined the past several years

the fuckup is not by falling for SB's grift - it was well crafted and targeted instincts of mine that i don't think are bad - but rather having played a part in conferring a sense of continued legitimacy on BAM - a legitimacy she abused in myriad destructive ways

had i done what i should have and shut BAM off completely the second it became clear from the accounts of people resigning from MTS that she was toxic, and convinced others to do the same, SB, and a lot of other bad shit, would not have happened

if my interactions with BAM had been limited to those induced by SB, i would feel differently, as in those instances i made a conscious choice to help someone even though she was also being helped by BAM - it may not have been the right call, but i think it's defensible

but what's not defensible in any way were the periodic interactions that I and many others had with BAM on public twitter in which we acted like she was a normal member of science twitter circles

it's not that i was unaware of her actions at MTS, nor did i have any reason to suspect they weren't true - indeed she was often an abusive jerk in her interactions with me, although i was in a much better place to sustain her attacks than most of her other targets

the truth is it was the course of least resistance - i wasn’t thinking of the damage it would do, and i too casually excused her actions at MTS as a manifestation of desperation about having to make it in the world without her academic career

this was cowardly, intellectually lazy and inexcusable on my part

when i look back now at my and others' interactions with BAM i no longer see the insignificant banter i thought it was, but a series of events where people of status and reputation conferred that on her

there is no way to be charitable here - this was in effect a giant fuck you to the almost entirely young and vulnerable people BAM had bullied and abused at MTS and elsewhere, and who she continues to target to this day

this is an example of what marginalized people are always complaining about - when push come to shove people in positions of power make excuses not to punish and cast out people in their circles, even if it comes at the expense of those in far more vulnerable positions

i should have come to this realization on my own - but i didn't - it took being called out for agreeing to do a public talk with BAM in the wake of wormgate - i knew better than to accept, but, again i took the path of least resistance in a chaotic moment

that i immediately cancelled when called out is no credit to me, but rather to the students and early career scientists who had the courage to publicly call me out for what was a bullshit move on my part

thus the lesson of the SB affair is not that BAM is a toxic person who undermines the causes she claims to believe and leaves a trail of personal destruction in her wake - WE ALREADY KNEW THAT - the lesson is that i and many other people enabled her in doing so

obviously the gig is up for BAM - and we can't eliminate toxic people from the world or even from the spaces of science twitter - but if those of us with power and visibility don't stop enabling such people we deserve neither power nor visibility

ai want to apologize directly to the people BAM drove out of MTS - Deana Arsala, Vidhya Sivakumaran, @nuDocES @geoedresearch @tishabohr @angie_rasmussen @sciswany @shrewshrew - you showed courage and principles where i did not - i hope to live up to your example in the future

adding twitter handles @evodevonda and @drvidsiva i missed first time through

i also want to apologize to @jaedyn214 - who has been steadfast in blowing the whistle on BAM's deeds despite her ongoing abuse - and to thank them for taking the time to help me better understand the consequences of my interactions w/BAM