alright, i want to say a few words about a topic i am extremely not an expert in: celebrity gossip. namely, Ellen.

ALL the caveats apply. abuse and harassment are never ok, people in a position of power don't get to wiggle out of responsibility, etc. (is my ass covered yet? ok.)

a few weeks ago I read some of the complaints in passing -- nikkie the makeup artist was complaining about not being greeted, a bodyguard from a decade ago was mad that ellen didn't talk to him or ask after his family.

it gnawed at me for a while, because it felt oddly familiar.

some (not all!) of the stories made me wince with recognition: that's what i'm like when my introvert batteries are depleted but i have obligations and i am whiteknuckling my way thru. and: that's what people are like when they're stepping on eggshells around me in that state.

sure, maybe ellen has a kind face she shows in public and an evil one she shows in private.

or maybe ellen is a reasonably good person and a fine performer, but has nothing left for the swarms who _want something_ from her every day. maybe she never learned boundaries/self care.

when you need to give something of yourself to an endless stream of people, none of whom you will remember, but every one of them will remember every detail of your interactions and judge you for them, it ... drains you fast.

every interaction drains your life force. people who want things drain it harder. i'm no ellen, but i know that anger when you're bone dry and folks won't leave you alone and don't even seem to give a fuck if you've got anything in your tank. celebrity is deeeeply dehumanizing.

the times in my life when i have been most ashamed of my behavior have been the times when i was so depleted of social energy that i was all but curled up in a fetal ball. even a polite request lands as an invasion, like vampires battering the door wanting more blood but i'm dry

anyway, i don't know much on the actual ellen thing and i am not justifying any of the harm done. the point is not that it's all okay, the point is actually it is NOT okay.

the point is we need self-knowledge and introspection to avoid the situations where we become assholes.

i was thinking about this in the context of engineering management, since that's obviously been on my mind lately.

job one of the manager is to be an adult. to not make your problems other people's problems, to be judicious about making their problems yours. to *know yourself*.

the number one way this manifests in my experience is when people can't let go of their status anxiety or their received ideas about which jobs are prestigious or about wanting to have power over people.

whatever your job is, that thing you're done, does it make you *happy*?

yeah sure promotions make people happy, but the job is not about the promotion or the title any more than marriage is about the wedding or getting to call each other cutesy names.

do you really love spending time with them, investing yourself into that relationship, every day?

when you wake up in the morning, do you think about your work in the shower? does it energize you? does it inspire you? does it enrich your life and make it feel more purposeful and whole?

if not, then why the *fuck* are you doing it?

i don't like seeing miserable individual contributors. but it's managers, directors, and VPs who have the potential to rain fire and make hordes of people miserable.

if *they* don't love what they do, if it doesn't feed them, by god i wish they would go find something that does.

there's a healthy tension between the ego "this is what i like to be seen doing" and the inner view "this is what actually makes me feel fulfilled and content", and the more power you have over people, the more you god damn well better find that inner peace inside.

it's an ironic fact that the people who are *doing the work* are almost always happier than the people managing the people doing the work, who are happier than the people managing the people managing the people doing the work, and vice versa.

starts to look like hazard pay, lol

as someone who never met a hierarchy she didn't want to overthrow, there's another ironic lesson in here, which is: only people towards the bottom of the hierarchy are allowed to say, "fuck the hierarchy".

if it exists, and you have power, you do not get the luxury of contempt.

power structures exist. it's fine for someone towards the bottom to ignore them and stride along flipping carts. towards the top, you just cause chaos and agony and disruption and pain. so much more pain than you will ever even realize.

that's what i saw when i glanced at the ellen gossip. it reminded me of some of the hardest lessons i have learned (and subjected those around me to) over these past 4.5 years.

you don't get to be miserable
you must practice self care
you have to ask for & welcome hard feedback

you are responsible for your own introvert battery
do what you must to conserve it, but you cannot react at people

people are going to contort themselves to keep you happy
they will never tell you they're doing this
even throwaway comments will land like an anvil
and hurt people

this sums up my one and only rumination on the hot celebrity gossip of the day, lol