i got mad abt the lack of creativity in 'what does your favourite ship say abt you' videos on youtube so i made a response paper, in this essay i will explain,

What Your Favourite Ship Says About You: Phantom Blood Edition

jonadio: whether you're a villainfucker or a villain rehabilitator depends on which one you hc as the top. people are astonished at your doctrine but only hate you because you tell them the truth 1/2

you like to think you'd have been friends with oscar wilde, but he would've dragged you within an inch of your life 2/2

jonaeri: you just– you want to have something good for once, you want good things to happen to good people, is that SO MUCH TO ASK FOR– except lbr, this is jojos, of course it is. you're either 14, heterosexual, or want erina to give you the strap

jonawagon: you would actually, physically cry if you ever met jonathan joestar, and you wish people would appreciate speedy like he deserves. you think the epitome of romance is being gently told you're a good egg

eridio: you're either a bottom for erina or a bottom for dio. there is literally no way there is a single top atom in your body. your favourite gummibears are the green ones and you're probably into tentacles

eriwagon: you not only are used to never asking for what you want, but actively prefer it, either to better fit the indie drama you're starring in in your head or because you avoid conflict to the point of making stoners look belligerent. your horny levels are off the charts

jonaeriwagon: you're a sucker for soft, wholesome things, and believe the epitome of romance is 'cinnamon rolls would kill for each other'. you always end up falling for background characters and have unironically thought of yourself as Being Baby™ at least once

erijonadio: you would die for dio brando, but also lowkey want him to get fucked til he cries. if you were a kink you'd be 'brat taming'. you get emotional over animal videos you watched weeks ago

speediojona: you don't believe people only pull others' pigtails because they like them, but you do believe it is a legitimate way to flirt. you're the mum friend of your group despite being a hot mess 1/2

with too many emotions and the idea of someone telling /you/ to go the fuck to sleep lowkey gets you going 2/2

jonappeli: you're a teacherfucker with a taste for hypercompetent weirdos. the second that froggy survived the hamon-thwack you were a goner; your feelings bloomed like flowers under jonathan's hands. you would've thrived as a cis dude in ancient greece

zepwagon: your lifelong dream is to be found helpful and cherished for it. you're either a pisces, a jonaeri shipper, a bottom, or any combination of the above. i'm not gonna call you out on main but i'm looking very pointedly at your social experiences in high school

jonablu: you're a monsterfucker, but only for the ones that look humanoid. people find you intimidating but you're actually soft af. you click on 100k word fics tagged 'bittersweet ending' while maintaining eye contact with god

zeppetty: you're the fannish version of the people who survived the donner party, except you went into this willingly. allow me to gently point you towards the gen\\yatta tag on ao3

direppeli: i have good news and bad news for you and they're both the entirety of battle tendency

direzo: there's a small part of the human population that is born without pain receptors in their bodies. you're not one of them, which comes in handy as you're a giant masochist

geodio: you dream of being a sugar baby but are appalled by the very concept of dicks. you agree we should eat the rich, but you also lowkey wanna /be/ the rich so you can buy a farmhouse to live in with all your friends. there is absolutely no way you're a cishet man

blutank: you're highkey feral or lowkey burnt out. you think getting it on with your ex is a surefire way to combat depression, though either you don't have the spoons to try or all your exes have blocked you

diowang: there is no way you're not white. that or you no longer give a single fuck about anything. whatever. life is hell. let the racist caricature fuck

anything with dario: i'm not gonna kinkshame you but i am gonna ask you to develop some standards. like, not even higher ones. just any standards at all. love yourself. choose life